A Beautiful Mind in Christ

About 1.2 per cent of the local adult population suffer from bipolar disorder in their lifetime, according to a 2010 Singapore Mental Health Study (SMHS).  From 2012 to 2014, the Institute of Mental Health (IMH) saw an annual average of 1,200 patients with the condition.

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks.

There are four basic types of bipolar disorder; all of them involve clear changes in mood, energy, and activity levels. These moods range from periods of extremely “up,” elated, and energized behavior (known as manic episodes) to very sad, “down,” or hopeless periods (known as depressive episodes).

Coming out now as one who was diagnosed with this condition eighteen years ago, is not easy. Two weeks ago, I lamented with a few friends that I would rather not have this past. A friend reminded me that God can redeem everything. Indeed, as Ray C.Stedman said, "On the cross, Jesus paid the debt we could not pay, and He redeemed us from slavery to sin, death, and Satan." If God can use my past to help another person to write a better present and future, every tear that I had shed, every relationship that I had lost, is worth it. 

I would like to reiterate the following points:

1. Though I still take the minimal dosage of one tablet every night, I believe that I have been healed by God. I have no relapses since I received Christ in the year 2006. God can use medication/doctors to help us and in His time, God will also reveal His ultimate plan on this. While medication can stabilize a medical condition, only God can give us the meaning of life. I remembered declaring thrice in front of would-be pharmacists, that it is my faith that helped me in my recovery. There is no denying of this fact.       

2. I had the most patient psychiatrist who believed in me. Because he would not be angry with my tantrums and self-righteousness during the onset of my condition, I had no choice but to cooperate with him. His therapy was his humor and his wisdom in differentiating what my personality traits are and what is abnormal. I remembered telling him enthusiastically, "Doctor, doctor, I have received Christ!" and to my surprise, he said calmly, "I'm also a Christian." Imagine my shock at how God had put him strategically in my life, unknowingly to me. 

3. The diagnosis of mental weakness is merely for treatment. It was never and it is not my identity, just like having a disability is not who I am as a person. Now I know, that I am a precious child of God, wanted and useful to Him. Now I have a moral compass, a living Manual, a final destination, a Cheerleader in me, cheering me all the way on this journey called Life. I am not alone. I will not be lonely anymore, come what may.

4. Brilliant and famous people were thought to have Bipolar disorder. World renowned Dutch post-impressionist painter Vincent Van Gogh ultimately committed suicide with a self-inflicted gunshot wound at age 37. Until recently, I did not know that people chase after the highs in the manic episode, by indulging in drugs and alcohol and not taking the required medication. God created us to have talents and spiritual gifts. I do not need the fake highs because I have the genuine love and joy of God to be constantly victorious in Him. I do not need to be sick in order to excel.

5. Mental weakness is a manifestation of our deepest longings and fears. In the deepest recesses of our hearts lie these issues:

-The yearnings to love and be loved, to know and be known

-Who am I? What am I here for? What can I do? (our identity)

-Dysfunctional ways in relating to self and others

-Eustress and distress, ways of overcoming the challenges in life

-Lust of the eyes, lust of the flesh and pride of life

-etc

Like suicide, mental weakness is caused by a variety of factors. Don't shortchange ourselves and others by magnifying our agenda. While the society can and should do its part in accepting people who are facing difficulties in life, each one of us is responsible for our mental health. There is restoration, if only we seek it earnestly.

6. Know that this too is a spiritual warfare. The mind is the battlefield. Who wins? God or Satan? Jesus has won two thousand years ago and victory is already His. The word of God is my antidote. Any moment that I do not have Christ in my mind, it would be I, me and myself. As long as I cling to Him, I have assurance that I have His victory. Self-care is extremely important, for EVERYONE, not just for some people, perceived to be weak. I thank God that I can sleep very well now. I am now serene in Him.

I love this, "We can choose to reject our bitter experiences and flaws, to wish and will them away, to regret, to pine, and to live in the land of “If only…” We can disguise with false-self personas, cover up with defences, distract with busyness.

Or we can choose to see these experiences for what they are: our golden seams.

The times when we get scratched, chipped, cracked and broken can feel totally shitty, but there can also be a strange beauty in the way we process them and the lessons we take from them afterwards… if we want.

Our experiences don’t define us, but they do influence us. We can decide to hide, or we can decide to embrace these experiences that have shaped us in some small way, the experiences to which we’ve applied our own special coating of gold-laced resin. We can decide to cover up, or we can decide to walk out into the world as ourselves, mended breaks and all."

http://www.becomingwhoyouare.net/japanese-pottery-can-teach-us-feeling-flawed/

I hope my story encourages you. It is normal to be weak, for we are made strong in Christ. Please feel free to email me at loveastranger2016@gmail.com if I can be of any help.

Shalom and Jesus bless you! :D

To you who are troubled today

When you feel lost,

you are not alone. 

I was once like you, feeling so alone in this whole universe.

It's not that I have no family members, just that the one I loved most passed away and I thought no one will ever love me again with that unconditional love.

It's not that you lost your purpose for living. 

It's more of you never know what you live for.

You think you are useless, hopeless, good-for-nothing and everyone will be better off without you.

You feel like you have lost everything and there is nothing more that you want or need.

You think you have tasted enough of life's bitterness.

You think that's what life is all about: agony, tragedy and nothingness

Yet inwardly you are screaming for help.

Just like me.

No one wants to die when life is smooth-sailing.

Remember your own laughter and those beautiful memories?

Now everything seems dark and gloomy like the weather recently.

But have you seen the sun shining?

Like you, I couldn't see.

Tears became my best companion.

As you read this, you may be crying.

Today you cry tears for yourself but one day, you will cry for others.

You will cry tears of joy when you come to know the One who stir your heart for others.

Come out of the house.

Do the things that make you happy, that make you remember that you need to take care of yourself too.

Come out of your world.

See the people out there who are battling issues like you.

You may think you are weak, you cannot care for others.

But that's how I recover.

That's how I remember I'm not in the worst situation.

Your situation will change.

You cannot see it now, just like I could not see it then.

I keep thinking about that Primary 5 schoolboy.

If he could visualize and trust that he could overcome that period of darkness with support, he would not have killed himself.

I grieve with his parents. 

Most parents want the best for their children, doing the best they can, even if it is not the best method.

I think about the two JC students and the NUS-Yale guy who killed themselves.

What would life be like, few years later from now, if they had say no to the voice that pushes them to the brink?

But isn't life a series of gains and losses?

Isn't life supposed to be full of ups and downs?

Are we meant to be happy and successful all the time?

I remember the tears of a father mourning the death of his son who killed himself.

I will never forget the tears of my own elderly father and my siblings at the Intensive Care Unit (ICU).

I didn't die and so I witnessed the pain, the trauma caused to our loved ones when we hurt ourselves.   
At the door of death yesterday, could I foresee the abundant life today?

You can overcome this.

Seek help today.

Helplines

If you have thoughts of ending your life or are in emotional distress, you can get help from:

Samaritans of Singapore 
(24-hour hotline)

1800-221-4444

Tinkle Friend

1800-2744-788


Singapore Association for Mental Health

1800-283-7019


Care Corner Counselling Centre (in Mandarin)

1800-3535-800

Mental Health Helpline

6389-2222

相信有爱 就有奇迹

The song that I cannot stop playing to lift up my spirit...

黑夜将过去 未来不再迟疑
牵起我的手 祢给我勇气
曙光渐显明 点亮前方路
我展翅高飞 祢给我信心
只要相信 相信就有奇迹
挥动信心的翅膀 随着梦想起飞
相信有爱 就有奇迹
不轻言放弃 只要打开眼睛
手牵手一起 就不孤寂
相信有爱 就有奇迹
虽然逆着风 祢给我勇气
飞往那佳美之地

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji9_W-8E4pA

Struggles are real, so are solutions.

Past midnight, a life was nearly lost right in front of me. 

A traumatic experience for me, an outsider.

We prayed n I have no doubt You answered! 

Even if it had been otherwise, I know You know better.

I thank God for the rescue team. 

They risked their lives to save someone who doesn't appreciate his life at this moment.

One and a half hour of venting. 

No one wants to die until it seems unbearable and desperate.

May you receive the healing and help you need, knowing that you are saved for a purpose greater than you can ever imagined.

Shalom.

https://sos.org.sg/helping-someone

How wretched we are!

The phone has been too noisy and will get noisier as I seek to glorify You even more.
Too many whatsapp groups, too many people to text or reply to, but mostly because I overestimate myself.
I have not been vigilant in guarding my heart.
I didn't make a distinction between making myself available for You or for just Your work or just for Your people.
I have forgotten to prioritize.
Even till now, I know I'm still not fully resting in You.
As of today, my phone has been in silent mode when I'm outside, in my wardrobe when I'm at home.
Suddenly I have peace. At least no more worry or tension about who is texting...
I have been controlled by a mere phone.
I'm regaining control over my life, this life that should be dedicated to You.
I thank You Lord, that despite all that has happened since 2014, I have never disbelieved You. My devotion time has been shortened as I learn so many other things but You have and will never be replaced by anyone.
I know how needy I am in You.
Yesterday, You showed me my wretched state.
You showed me how much I have overcome yet that success can be wiped away by my emotions.
You are great in mercy and You love me, despite all my iniquities, my failures.
How can I ever not be contented in Your love?
You know my desires. You know my needs. You know what is best for me at Your timing.
I couldn't sing during worship. I just looked at the words, sucking them all into my heart.
You know me. I needed Your words to envelop me, to comfort me such that I can be healed by You and soar again.
I'm on the road to recovery, just that the heart is as brittle as my bones when I was born.
Only for now.
I don't know how to communicate with people whom I don't know well and likewise with people who don't know me well. Seems like what I say can easily be misunderstood or unappreciated, also because I'm hypersensitive now.
I don't have the energy nor the heart to clarify anything.
Therefore, I didn't and don't want to talk in a group for now.
It is hard to pour out and not be appreciated. Perhaps it's not like this. I know I'm too sensitive. I can't clarify also because I don't know them well. I don't have a safe area to begin with. The safest Person to be with is You.
Day 1 of shutting self up.
A release. Guessing if anyone will miss my presence, that's the vain me.
Left the prayer meeting while they were praying.
Don't agree with some viewpoints.
Realize that some people speak as if they speak for You.
Presumptions, assumptions sound the alert in me.
Must pray very loud then it will come true?
I know it also has to do with my condition that I have all these thoughts.
I'm just sad that we expect empathy from others when we ourselves are not doing the same.
I'm speaking about myself too.
How wretched we are.
Thank You Lord for being with me.
Thank You Lord that I can write out my feelings easily.
Thank You Lord that I don't bother about what others think about what I have shared in my blog.
I have nothing to hide.
The less I hide, the freer I am in You.

I want to live again!

I broke my own record of telling my family story to people that I'm not that close to.
Means the shame that I felt about my family background has been torn down.
So what if I, at 40 years old, has 3 step-siblings at ages 16, 15 and 5?
So what if they are the age of my nieces and nephews?
Why should I feel the shame when it's not done by me?
What else can I do?
How do I talk sense to my 80 years old father?
So what if I still feel the hurt and cried since the first day of 2016, not taking into account all the tears and hardships that I went through since my early 20s?
So what if I object to any plan he has, with a woman appearing at our family dinner?
Lord, what else can I do?
I don't even know how to pray for him.
I struggled to come to terms with turning 40 last year and well, on 29 January this year, I will be 1 year older than 40.
Everyone, or at least even younger people, even men, struggle with age issues.
And so I'm normal.
It's funny how the feelings we have, we think they are so unique to us but in actual fact, it's universal.
While every case is different, every human is the same with a tinge of difference.
I don't know if I have swung from being very emotional to being hardened.
Flooding emotions drowned me so many times until perhaps, now that I learn to look at facts, perhaps I may not be able to detect the emotions of others as sharply as I want.
Or perhaps I'm just not sharp.
I'm tired, Lord.
Encouraging others do help me to know that I'm not the most pitiable woman.
But I guess I have to rest.
I'm just recovering with lots of uncertainties.
I think too far.
I'm supposed to think of today only.
Lord, I will not react like last time.
My father can do whatever he wants cos he has freewill.
As a sister to my step-siblings, there's a limit to what I can do but I can do something.
The sky looks so bleak, raining every day, as if the warmth of the sun has disappeared.
But every day and night come and go without fail.
I want to see the gems of life.
I want to treasure the treasures You have put in my mind, heart, soul and body.
I want to stop mourning over my own losses or blame anyone.
I want to be like You.
Even when no one's watching, encouraging, appreciating...
As long as my heart beats, it will beat for You.
Come and heal the pain in my heart.
I want to live again!

When Merry becomes Mary again

Scene 1:
Merry was a shopaholic. Christmas is the best time to shop. Then she reached a bottomless pit. She owed credit card companies more than $79,000.

Her dad left her when she was a kid on Christmas eve. Her mum left her too, leaving her with her grandfather. Merry changed her named from 'Mary' to 'Merry' cos she truly wants to be happy. She encountered God through an angel and finally realized that all these presents that she bought for herself, she pretended that they were all from her dad. Finally she decided to reconcile with her mum.

Scene 2:
Wife had an abortion because of her ambitions. Husband Gary could not forgive her and they drifted apart and had a breakdown in their communication. Both had a teenage daughter. Husband had an affair and mistress Juliet was pregnant. Both believed that they were in love. When the man's daughter had an accident and was in a coma, Gary was devastated and started to see the folly of his actions. Juliet was heartbroken that her man would leave her so she wanted to commit suicide.

The situations seemed so desperate. To kill oneself seems to be the easy way. Why not end the suffering of oneself?

But our life is not our own. Even if God is not in the picture, what about our family members? Our debts, our sorrows, our mess, we selfishly leave them to those we love.

Because there is Jesus, Merry's eyes were opened to her hurt and could move on.  

Gary realised his mistakes and decided to start all over again with his wife. Juliet was given extraordinary strength and hope to give birth to her child, even as a single mother. 

The world says, "Come on, that baby is a burden. You are still so young and single. You can find another man again."

Conscience says, "This baby is a precious life. Don't make the worst mistake of your life!"

It may be a musical that seems to have a perfect ending. 
But who says life cannot be touched by a perfect God to follow a perfect way?

For all have sinned and fallen short of His glory.
We can fall but we can stand up again.
Just like a toddler learning to walk.
So brave, so real, so beautiful.
That's human beings.
That's you and me.   

Layers and layers I will tear apart, to heal your wounding heart

When I was in school, we liked to wrap our little present with layers of newspapers to trick the receiver that the gift looks bigger than it really was. 

It was also to increase the excitement of opening a gift. 

Then today I thought, ah, that's like our heart.

But our heart is more like a dumpling, wrapped tightly n in knots that can't be untangled easily. 

Hung up there, waiting for someone, that someone to bring the dumpling down, untangle the string with great patience, unwrap the leaves gently and there you are, soft, vulnerable but so real. 

It's you, that child in you, so like me, in need of authentic love, care and concern. 

All you need is for me to love you with truth. 

Truth that's not comfortable to you but you know me. 

We have a relationship.

He said, "Layers and layers I will tear apart, to heal your wounding heart."

Not just for you. 

Also for me.

Tree of life: Healing of nations

The LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden, and there He put the man whom He had formed. And out of the ground the LORD God made every tree grow that is pleasant to the sight and good for food.  The tree of life was also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. (Genesis 2:8-9) Then the LORD God said, “Behold, the man has become like one of Us, to know good and evil.  And now, lest he put out his hand and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live forever”— therefore the LORD God sent him out of the garden of Eden to till the ground from which he was taken. So He drove out the man; and He placed cherubim at the east of the garden of Eden, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to guard the way to the tree of life. (Genesis 3:22-24) Wisdom is a tree of life to those who take hold of her, And happy are all who retain her.(Proverbs 3:18) The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, And he who wins souls is wise. (Proverbs 11:30) Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life. (Proverbs 13:12) A wholesome tongue is a tree of life, But perverseness in it breaks the spirit. (Proverbs 15:4) “He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.  To him who overcomes I will give to eat from the tree of life, which is in the midst of the Paradise of God.” (Revelation 2:7) And he showed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding from the throne of God and of the Lamb. In the middle of its street, and on either side of the river, was the tree of life, which bore twelve fruits, each tree yielding its fruit every month.  The leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations. Blessed are those who do His commandments, that they may have the right to the tree of life, and may enter through the gates into the city. (Revelation 22:1-2, 14)

When words become hollow

From personal experience:
When someone lost a loved one,
Don't
-say what you don't know, don't blame anyone, don't say, "Everything is going to be alright" cos everything is not right at that time...

-use God's word as just a statement.
For someone who trusts in God, sometimes even what we know can still grieve us. Depending on individuals, some people may react strongly to God's word at this time.
Do
-let the person talk as much as he wants about the deceased, even if he cries non-stop...
The sudden loss of a loved one makes the bereaved want to grab hold of every memory of the deceased. It is part of the grieving process and to curtail it is to delay the healing process...
-allow tonnes of questions and many 'what if' to be asked. We don't need to answer. Anyway, no one has the answer.
-check if that person is suicidal, has adequate family support, has medical history to take note of...
-ensure that the person is eating n sleeping a little...Physical strength is much needed at this time...
-be with the person. No need to talk. Your company is sufficient.
-pray with the person if he allows...
Just be there. Words are truly hollow at this time.