Dr God-sent

Doctors are so part of my life, from birth till adulthood.
Always thought they would just mend my legs, never thought that my mind would need mending too.
Depression is nothing new and I am always prepared that either one day someone would just spill this out or I would not hesitate to admit that I had depression before as I believe that God has healed me, even though I still need to take 2 tablets for stabilisation.
If I were to admit this in public, it would be for God's glory and purpose.
I want people who feel trapped or feel stigmatized by any mental illness to know that they can be healed.
It is a choice.
More than a decade ago, after I left the house, I cried in the office every day.
I had the best colleagues in National Council of Social Service (NCSS) who treated me with such tender love and care.
P, R, like big sister and big brother to me, a graduate, a newbie in the workplace.
P brought me to Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH) where I met Dr K, a psychiatrist.
I felt very sad that I had to see a psychiatrist.
Told Dr K that I used to be a bubbly girl and he being Mr Joker, joked that he would blow bubbles with me.
I was like, am I seeing Dr quack?
He was very patient and gentle, willing to listen to my life story.
I babbled on and on, was warded in TTSH, had panic attacks so real that each time I felt like I was dying.
I literally couldn't breathe until Dr taught me how to blow into the paper bag or slow down my breathing.
When I was down, I couldn't eat or sleep for two weeks and tears was my food.
When I was high, I need not sleep and was full of energy though my body was breaking down.
I had hallucinations, was put on different medication, got into trouble and was sent to Institute of Mental Health (IMH) where I met people who were really off and I knew that I still have some sanity.
To get out of IMH, I said what the doctors wanted me to say; that they were all hallucinations though to me, they were so real.
I lost some memory of what exactly transpired at that time, lost a dear friend, and another that I thought was a friend.
I lost all those precious years of my life, checking myself in and out of TTSH because when I was in hospital, everyone was concerned about me and treated me like a princess.
Once I was discharged, I was left to fend for myself.
If IMH is hell, TTSH is heaven cos I always went down to Starbucks to chat with my friends.
I had freedom to roam around but in IMH, I was locked up with the others, had to do common activities with the others.
And so I resolved to behave myself especially in public cos I have a record and anyone could send me there if I create a din.
For years, the humiliation of having this condition called Bipolar disorder stuck with me until I came to Christ.
Having Dr K as my doctor was God's gift to me.
He never looked down on me nor show anger to my insolence.
He always joked or maybe he meant it, haha, that I was his smartest patient, like how he introduced me to his family members yesterday.
Years later when I excitedly told him that I became a Christian did he admit that he is also a Christian!
Finally I understood the hand of God in bringing me to Him all this while.
In my memory, I thought He saw me at age seven.
Psalm 139 said that He already has a book for my life even before I was born.
When I was down in the valley, He sent Dr K, His gentle hand to bring me back to sanity, to His loving arms, such that the rebellious and self-righteous me cannot help but be tamed by the Holy Spirit.
Mental illness, Bipolar disorder?
I told Dr that I'm so intelligent (as in I am a graduate with a certain intelligence right?), why do I have such a condition?
As if having a physical disability is not enough, as if losing my mum, my career, my friends, my home etc are not enough, I have to have this condition.
Did I bring this upon myself or did circumstances make me become like this?
I bought books, searched articles to know about this condition, I wanted to know the prognosis BUT...
You know what?
God knows my future.
After I received Christ, I never had a relapse.
I learnt to take care of myself, make sure I sleep well, not overstressed...
I turn to God.
Sometimes I don't know if I'm hearing God or if I can sense His physical presence but His word always comforts me, always let me know that He is near.
He says, "Draw close to me and I will draw close to you."
His word is my plumb line.
He helps me to literally take captive of all my thoughts to the obedience of Christ.
Some people are afraid of being found out that they have a mental condition.
They live in fear.
No, God's people do not have the spirit of fear but the spirit of power, love and a sound mind.
Just like friends who told me their past before they received Christ, honestly I may feel overwhelmed, shocked and sometimes at a loss as to what to do.
But should I look at them differently and judge them to be unworthy to be someone that I associate with, God will judge me.
They have settled their issues with God.
Who am I to look at them as if I am god?
What counts is the life they are leading now and the fruit they bring to Christ.
I am in Christ now, never wanting to go back.
I want to fight the good fight of faith.
My story is His story.
I have no story without Him.
To finally look back and realize how God used and is still using every experience of my life to mold me into the vessel He wants me to be, even to lose a little face here and there, I have not come to shedding blood.
5 months and 6 days to 9 years in Christ, I want to treasure every day with You, Lord.

God's heart be my heart

It is in times like this that I am beginning to realize some of the things that we take for granted.
-One man one woman marriage that is sacred, not easy to sustain yet beautiful in its flaws. 
There is no perfect family so who gives the unnatural 'family' the audacity to claim that it will attempt perfection for children and for our society?
No copy of the original will be able to replace it. 
Who wants a fake diamond when the real one is always there? 
You treasure that fake diamond as the real one.

-Each life is precious. 
A life is not precious because it is big, strong, healthy and can contribute to our society. 
All lives start from being unborn (a fertilized egg) and could end at being frail and weak after contributing years of his life to the community. 
Even someone who cannot talk or take care of himself, he is someone's beloved son, brother, uncle, father or grandfather. 
Who are we to decide the life and death of a life given? 
You want that to happen to you?
-Everyone deserves more than a second chance. 
We are ever quick to point the fingers at others' mistakes, magnifying people's mistakes at their expense UNTIL it happens to us. 
Do to others what we want others to do to us. 
Ex-convicts? 
So what? 
You never made a mistake before? 
I tell you, they are more humble and willing to learn than any of us!
-The poor and the lame. 
Handicap defines a person, disability defines an action. 
You wear spectacles? 
Your eyes are unable to see far so you need the help of spectacles. 
You can't walk far or can't walk, you use a wheelchair. 
You have difficulty in making ends meet. 
You just need to either get a skill or find another way to make a living.
The truly poor and lame are those who are able-bodied but CHOOSE to lament, complain, talk non-stop but don't want to lift a finger to help self or others.
Poverty and health are more than skin deep.

Maximize our potential

Stepped into the house.
K2 sibling: Eldest sis (P3) prayed to God for rain so that you cannot come.
Amused but heart sank a little.
Her mum spoke to her while I taught the P1 gal who is very different. She wants to learn.

P3 gal said sorry the moment she came in for lesson. She prayed for God's forgiveness after we processed everything.
Told her that we are to always pray for the good of others.
As a student, she brings glory to God by doing her best in what God has assigned for her.
Fished out my water bottle. Do we fill it to the brim or the minimum?
Why do people not fill it to the brim, as in maximize our potential?
Gal: I'm not thirsty enough.
Bingo!
We are not thirsty enough for His living water.
We are not desperate enough in our circumstances to rise up for Christ.
We don't love Him enough to say no to self.
Fill it to the brim.

We stand in the gap

Yesterday during worship, I prayed that every member in the cell would experience what it's like to have our hearts broken for what break our Lord's heart.
It's grieving for the sufferings of others, nothing to do with our own circumstances at that point of time.
It's totally not pleasant but necessary.

I remember when I first felt grieved because of others, I'm like,
"God, I think I have enough grief in my life...Why do I need to take this?"
Then I realize that it's a privilege to share His burden for this lost world.
I truly believe we are blessed not for ourselves but for others.
One of my favourite song.
Worship unto God is believe, proclaim and obey.
We want to run to the altar
and catch the fire
To stand in the gap
between the living and the dead
Give us a heart of compassion
for a world without vision
We will make a difference
bringing hope to our land

Don't promote death as the solution

I was aggrieved to read the letter by Dr George Wong Seow Choon (“Time to talk about new laws on dying”; last Friday).
I lost my mother to cancer when I was 19 years old.
She and I were very close. 
I was the youngest child and was born with brittle bones. 
My mother was not equipped to care for a child with special needs but she gave me the gift of life and her love.
Her ambition was for me to finish my university studies, get a job and support myself. 
She kept her illness from me, as I was taking my A levels then.  
The day before she died, she held my hands and looked at me as if she could not bear for me to go home.  
Would my mother have wanted her life to be shortened by doctors? 
No; she wanted to live, and wanted to see her ambition for me come true.  
I went through unresolved grief for over a decade because I was not aware of her illness and could not be with her when she most needed me.
The fact that she died naturally helped me in the grieving process. 
I would have been further devastated had any doctor intervened in this natural process of dying.
Any procedure to shorten anyone’s life, no matter the intention, is murder.  
A doctor’s job is to heal, not kill.  
Doctors who want to help patients end their lives are overstepping the boundary, especially when patients and family members may not be in a good physical, mental or financial state to make a decision.  
While it is painful to see our loved ones in pain, we should not promote the culture of death as the solution.
How do we prevent the abuse of euthanasia? 
How do we assess the intentions of family members who request assisted suicide for the dying? 
Who speaks for the right to live of those who are unconscious?
What the dying need is the love and comfort of their family members, and the best medical care to enable them to live with hope and dignity until they pass on.
http://www.straitstimes.com/forum/letters-in-print/dont-promote-death-as-the-solution