An unsupported pregnancy, a family crisis

Edited copy: 

https://thir.st/blog/an-unplanned-pregnancy-a-family-crisis-abortion/

In cases of unsupported pregnancies, we are rightly more concerned about the mother and the child in her womb.

But how does an unsupported pregnancy of an unmarried daughter affect the family dynamics? What if we see an unsupported pregnancy as a family crisis rather than an isolated case of a single mum needing help?

What if there is at least ONE family member who wants to help (be a life supporter) but feels powerless?

When family members see abortion as a legal, easily accessible and fast option, how can we empathize with them and encourage them towards supporting the pregnancy of their loved one?

I was once that helpless family member…

In May 2018, I fell in love with my unborn niece at 9 weeks of gestation the moment I saw her sonogram. My step-sister related to me how her ex-boyfriend brought her, then 19 years old, to the abortion clinic. The ultrasound scan before the abortion saved my niece’s life. My sister courageously chose life and my niece turned one year old last December.

An unsupported pregnancy cannot be viewed as merely the personal crisis of a woman and her child. An unsupported pregnancy is a family crisis because every new life created has a tremendous impact on the whole family, especially when it involves an unmarried daughter.

I promised my sister who was like a stranger to me before her pregnancy that we want the child, even if the father of this baby walks away.  

My elderly father has 8 of us, including 3 step-siblings. I am the youngest in my original family so I do not have much say in family matters. Nonetheless, I was determined to use any influence I have within the family to preserve this life that God has given us (Job 33:4). Only God can take away a life (Deuteronomy 32:39), not man.  

Like many people, my father deemed my sister as too young to be a mother, that the pregnancy would sabotage her future and that the child would grow up without a father. It is interesting that no one would think a teenager too immature to have premarital sex which opens up the possibility to life, besides the grave consequences of being afflicted with sexually transmitted diseases or the psychological, social and spiritual impact of casual sex. 

Erika Bachiochi, Visiting Fellow at the Ethics and Public Policy Center, said: “Sex does not always make babies, but neither does it always make babies exactly according to our plans … sex is a serious enterprise, to be engaged in only by those prepared to become mothers and fathers.”

My sister is a mother the moment my niece is conceived. No one automatically knows how to be a parent, no matter his or her age. Abortion makes my sister the mother of a dead child. It cannot undo the mistake of sexual immorality but will only leave her traumatized that she has killed her own flesh and blood. I have heard too many real-life stories of how abortion harms a woman physically, emotionally and spiritually so I was determined that abortion should not happen in my family.

There was lots of tension and I was angry with all my family members as I see them being so indecisive when it is a matter of life and death for the most vulnerable member of our family. I was at the brink of losing control. I was using my own strength trying to prevent a tragedy but I felt so drained and demoralized. My family members were fully aware that I stand for life because I always post articles on building a culture of life on my social media.

I declared a time-out from everyone, including my sister for 40 days and 40 nights. When I left my sister alone, she was in the early stages of pregnancy during which most people around her offered abortion as the quick “solution”. One of her friends even said that she was cruel to bring the child to term because the child has no father. How can murder ever be a solution to difficult circumstances?

I prayed and dedicated my sister and my niece to God during that period of rest. Through it all, it was like God telling me, “Shhhh, you go away, I take over.” I cried and asked God to preserve the life of this baby, even having a baptized name ready for her when she grows up. I promised God that if after this time-out period and my niece is still in her mummy’s womb, I would continue with my sister in this fight for the basic human right to live, starting from the womb.

In His mercy, God preserved my niece’s life. In Singapore, babies can be aborted up till 6 months of their lives in the womb. The womb is supposed to be the safest place for an unborn child but our liberal abortion law made me fear for my niece’s life until she came out of the womb.

If every family has at least one person who fears God and loves life, abortion would be unthinkable and undesirable. The miracle happened in my family! I thank God for Safe Place and the Christian community who care and provide for my sister and my baby niece.

There was shock, confusion, anger, tension and all sorts of negative emotions in the initial stage when our family first heard the seemingly bad news of an unsupported pregnancy. There was a split among the family members, as if I was left all alone with my sister, even up till the time of delivery. But when our little bundle of joy was unraveled, my whole family loves her. Family reconciliation may not be complete yet but God has not finished His work in my family. 

Shame assailed me when my family issues were first exposed to many mutual friends in the Christian circle. I was busy trying to explain my awkward position in all of this but God has my back. I bear the pain of the cross when I stand for life. I despise the shame of my broken family because Jesus has nailed it to the cross. Now I rejoice with Jesus that a child was born and would one day have a chance to enjoy eternal life with Him.

The first martyrs were male children two years and under, massacred by Herod the king in Bethlehem when he could not kill Jesus, the King of the Jews (Matthew 2:16). Now that Jesus has died and rose again to give us an abundant life, do our children need to be our martyrs? 50 years after the Abortion Bill was passed in Singapore, more than 660,000 babies have been sacrificed at the altars of convenience, ignorance and apathy. Can we afford to close our eyes to such grave injustice?

John the Baptist leaped in Elizabeth’s womb for joy when he met Jesus, the unborn in Mary’s womb (Luke 1:41, 44). The meeting of both unborn babies manifested the divine humanity of every child, from the womb to the grave. Sexual immorality is a sin to be repented of but the fruit of the womb is a blessing in all circumstances (Luke 1:42).

The Church is most qualified to sing the song of hope to every broken family because of Jesus. 

Amy Ford in her article “Unplanned Pregnancies: How should the Church respond?”wrote, “Adopting a proactive, pro-love approach within your church will give you a front-row seat to witness transformed lives and revived hearts. Families restored. Church members more engaged. God can use a baby to help His children better understand His love.”

God used my baby niece to propel my spiritual growth and draw me closer to my family. God can use a baby to transform His Church.

GET HELP

Expectant mothers have the following avenues to seek help:
24-hour Mum-To-Be Helpline: 1800-686-8623
Pregnancy Crisis Service: 6339- 9770
For teenagers facing a pregnancy crisis, they can seek help from the BABES 
24-hour call or SMS helpline: 8111-3535
Safe Place: 6817-4202

Baby is the size of a cherry at 9 weeks pregnant. Your 9-week fetus measures around 2.286cm and weighs about 1.984g

信是爱，爱之信

Dear Heavenly Father,

Today as I went to retrieve my wheelchair in church, Mary, a lady who always sit in front of me told me that while we were worshipping, she saw a vision of me being lifted up and in Your embrace!:D 

Wow, actually last year when I was in the pits, I had a vision of myself in Your embrace.

The little girl in me, in my Father's arms, crying so hard.

And the impression I received last July is supposed to come true next year, if I truly receive it correctly.

I guess I am still trying to differentiate between fantasy and faith.

Times when I thought I got it so right but things went wrong.

Until I'm like, God, how can I hear You correctly?

Then You would give me encouragement through people, through opportunities, through songs, through sermons, through videos, through dreams!

Even this morning when I woke up, I was thinking of how to go for service in such a weather.

I just pray for a drizzle, instead of the rain stopping? 

Because it rained the whole night.

As if it is impossible to stop?

Wow, You stopped the rain before and after service lor.

You are like chiding me that I have little faith!:(

I also want to scold myself :(

I pray that I will have greater faith in You.

I pray that I will have reverent fear of You such that I will not do anything that displeases You.

I pray that I will love and desire You above man and things of the world.

I pray that I will know You more and more.

I pray that I will know people who point me to You.

I pray that I will be wise as serpent, harmless as dove.

I pray for more students to teach and mold.

I pray that I have more opportunities to share You!

I pray that I can write better, in the writing style You have given me.

I don't need to follow the writing style of anyone because I am SHLP.

I thank You that through it all, I get to know You even better.

I thank You that You stripped me of all that I love so that I can love You and others more freely.

I thank You for baby Emmanuelle's life. I love her though she has yet to know me. But I will remind her that I saw her mustard/matcha colour output when she can understand me...

I thank You that You teach me to love my mini-society family in all my heartbreaks...

I thank You for putting all my tears in Your bottle...

I thank You for the body of Christ. Even in our imperfections,help us to imitate You and be of one mind.

Help me to be aware of the idols of my heart.

Help me to be more like You and less like myself.

Help me to endure afflictions and let Your strength be in my weakness.

You increase, I decrease.

Help me not to center on self but on You.

Help me not to be proud but look to You as how You see me.

Help me not to despise small beginnings.

Help me not to look down on all that You have given me.

Help me not to compare myself with any other person, only with myself in the past.

Help me to cast all my anxiety onto You because You care for me.

Help me to eat Your word. Who knows when we cannot have Your word with us anymore?

Help me to draw closer to You, to be even more intentional in my quiet time.

Help me to know that I am made more beautiful in You.

Help me to be worthy of Your calling, to do justly, love mercy and walk humbly with You.

Help me to comfort others with the comfort You have given me.

Help me to turn my eyes on You, today and forever.

Come back, quickly, Jesus!

The whole earth groans for You!

Help me to be longsuffering in waiting for You.

The fight, the race and the faith up till 12 years in Christ

1. And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap IF we do not lose heart. (Galatians 6)

"It is so beautiful to have no regret in my life, Lord!"

Of course there is sadness in how things have evolved, how all of us have changed since 2015 but I praise God that I have no regret in my life.

Last two days of my 12 years in Christ.

I'm glad to be free to reflect on the major lessons learnt from 2015 to 2019.

Last night, my university friend, PX and I sat in McDonald's, reminiscing about the past, about the one and a half years of my family internship.

A life saved, all to the glory of God.

I am merely a facilitator who finally have a chance to change the diapers of Emmanuelle, know the colour of her output as a baby, know her exact weight, height and time of birth, to welcome her out of the womb, to know her even though she doesn't know me.

I'm reminded of Jesus who died for even those who rejected Him, refused to know Him, truly yet to know Him, pierced Him, ridiculed Him etc.

All those who see You ridicule You;

They shoot out the lip, they shake the head, saying,

"He trusted in the LORD, let Him rescue Him;

Let Him deliver Him, since He delights in Him!"

(Psalm 22)

If Jesus can die for those who hated Him, all that I went through cannot be compared to His life sacrifice.

If God our Father can sacrifice His only begotten Son to bring us to His throne, I am in His safe arms.

For all things come from God and of His own I have given to Him and to those around me. 

(1 Chronicles 29)

Even if one day an unsupported pregnancy happens again or again or again in my family, I will do it again as long as I have breath.

If the Lord wills, no abortion will happen in my family!

Reflecting on how when it first started and how I panicked, became angry all the time, became very controlling because I felt everything was out of control.

There were valid concerns of HIV infection for the baby, that baby may be aborted, that baby has no father to be there for her...so unlike all my other 6 nieces and nephews who are in families with a dad and a mum.

I hate political correctness that is merely lies.

A single-parent family is like one arm amputated, leaving the other arm to carry a very vulnerable child.

I love Emmanuelle.

Yet each time when I see her, I'm reminded of her great disadvantage at the starting point of her race in life.

But now I'm reminded that as long as she and her mummy know Jesus, they will have victory in Christ.

Emmanuelle and her mummy have their own journey with Christ, just like me.

So finally, my heart rests in my Lord.

My duty is done, the seed is sown and one day, if the Lord wills, the harvest will come.

Praise God for renewing my mind and cleansing my heart of the idol that is Emmanuelle.

I have not loved a baby so much after Vinnie, my first niece was born.

Before and after Christ, God uses a baby to teach me His many lessons.

Maybe that's why Christmas seems so familiar.

Jesus was born and our lives can never be the same anymore.

All the ends of the world 

Shall remember and turn to the LORD,

And all the families of the nations

Shall worship before You.

For the kingdom is the LORD's,

And He rules over the nations.

(Psalm 22)  

2. To my own Master I stand or fall. (Romans 14)

I am 13 years in Christ on 16 December 2019!

Many times I think I am strange because I don't know anyone who is as crazy as me when it comes to counting down to our years in Christ.

I received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour after a Christmas service in 2006.

I actually wanted to go for baptism soon after, together with some cell members.

I felt uneasy, as if it was peer pressure that made me want to do so.

I was afraid of water baptism because I could not swim then.

I nearly drowned when I was a kid doing hydrotherapy in a community hospital.

I thought baptism is like getting married so how could I say and do my wedding vows so fast leh?

So I was powerfully baptised on 16 December 2007. 

I was buried with Jesus in baptism, in which I also was raised with Him through faith in the working of God, who raised Him from the dead.

And I, being dead in my trespasses and the uncircumcision of my flesh, He has made alive together with Him, having forgiven me all trespasses, having wiped out the handwriting of requirements that was against me, which was contrary to me. And He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.

Having disarmed principalities and powers, He made a public spectacle of them, truimphing over them in it. (Colossians 2)  

From 2006 to late 2014, all I know about Christianity is the walk between God and me. 
I lived in a bubble whereby only God and I existed.

It was in late 2014 that I first knew some friends and more friends in 2015.

I started to be exposed to how culture influences us and how ill-equipped the Church is in having a voice of conscience in our society.

After all that had happened, my heart is still for building a culture of life.

If there is no physical life, there can be no eternal life.

And this is eternal life, that we may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent. (John 17)

I tend to be simplistic/naïve in my view of things and people.

I lead a sheltered life with very little exposure to the world.

The best experience of a little bit of hardship was when I went twice to Orissa, India.

In fact, I want to go again, God willing.

While I am still mobile and full of energy.

I looked up to people who seem more mature in Christ and I guess the idols of my heart are knowledge and the fear of man.

I wanted so much to belong to a group.

As if we who do something are worth something.

I didn't realise how easily we can fall into a trap that says that if you don't do ABC, you are not a "good" Christian.

There is this unspoken criteria of a worthy Christian dictated by man.

John Piper said in his article "Walk worthy of God?",

"NOT: I must have faith and love so as to be worth God's favor; BUT RATHER: God's favor is free and it is infinitely worth trusting. Walking worthy of that favor means walking by faith, because faith is the one thing that agrees with our bankruptcy and God's infinite "worth." Looking to God's infinite worth for our help and satisfaction is "walking worthy of God." "

We must question ourselves if what we do is to please God or man.

Last year, I realised to my horror how we/I have made God so small.

When my mentor shared with me how powerful God is, I was stunned.

What happened to my great God?

He remains the same yesterday, today and forever but I have used a microscope to see God.

My God was made so small because I thought myself too big to take on the world.

There is a great difference between speaking up versus taking over.

How we speak is very important too.

Just recently, I wrote this:

Many times we make the mistake of expecting the world to conform to God's standards when "the natural man does not receive the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; nor can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned."
(1 Corinthians 2)
But when it comes to the household of God, we are lax such that church discipline is unheard of, especially in charismatic churches. It seems easier to blame the world rather than judge ourselves.
"I wrote to you in my epistle not to keep company with sexually immoral people.
Yet I certainly did not mean with the sexually immoral people of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world...
For what have I to do with judging those also who are outside? Do you not judge those who are inside? But those who are outside God judges."
(1 Corinthians 5)
To the household of God,
"In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, when you are gathered together, along with my spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus Christ, deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus."
(1 Corinthians 5)

I still count X as my very good friend who shared with me so many precious insights such that I observed for myself what he shared.

We are to be like the Bereans, receiving the word with all readiness and search the Scriptures daily to find out whether these things were so. (Acts 17) 

I agree or like some of what he shared, not because of any other reason but purely for the content and how it aligns with my journey in Christ, according to God's word.

I may not know a lot about my God but I know a tiny bit of His character.

Even if anyone were to "throw" bible verses at me, trying to say God said this or that, I learn to question it with due respect.  

In the past, I just followed the crowd.

I felt condemned in this recent ordeal.

But I remember that there is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. (Romans 8)

The fear of man nearly "killed" me but the fear of God rescued and healed me.

From X, I learnt to evaluate things on a case-by-case basis.

It is ok to stand alone and not follow the crowd.

After all, we are to enter into the kingdom by the narrow gate.

Wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it.

Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it. (Matthew 7) 

I will test all things; hold fast what is good.

I will abstain from every form of evil.

Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify us completely; and may our whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

He who calls us is faithful, who also will do it.

(2 Thessalonians 5) 

To be in Christ can be no different from being of the world if we are not careful.

We are to be in but not of the world! (John 17)

3. Preach the word! Be ready in season and out of season. Convince, rebuke, exhort, with ALL longsuffering and teaching...be watchful in ALL things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry. (2 Timothy 4)

The urgency to share Christ with others is greater than ever today.

Many times I'm stuck at how people don't want my Lord.

Yet Jesus said that He must work the works of Him who sent Him while it is day; the night is coming when no one can work.

Like Jesus, I will say, "As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world." (John 9)

I desire to be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.

I want to be faithful to teach others too.

I must endure hardship as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.

I who am engaged in warfare will NOT entangle myself with the affairs of this life, that I may please Him who enlisted me as a soldier.

I will compete according to the rules to be crowned.

I will be the hardworking farmer to be the first to partake of the crops.

May the Lord give me understanding in all things. (2 Timothy 2)

I yearn for a fellow labourer-in-Christ, if the Lord wills, to reap the harvest together.

Over the years, as I dig deeper in Christ, my flaws scare me but my God draws me closer into His embrace. His banner over me was and is love. (Song of Solomon 2)

God help me in my next season of life! 

I will fight the good fight, I will finish the race, I will keep the faith!

Giving all my heartfelt thanks to God, my family, the household of God and my friends who individually play a unique role in my journey with God the Father, Jesus Christ the Son and the Holy Spirit who dwells in me.:D

10th letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

Dearest Emmanuelle, 

how many letters do I have to write before I can see you?

So many people, including I myself have been telling me to let go...

I think I am doing well in terms of coming to terms with maybe not even seeing you for a month or two... 

I haven't seen you on Instagram stories too.

Your mummy said that she has been busy...then when I asked her when is good, again she didn't reply.

It's all about priorities and I get it that I'm not on the list.
I just bumped into a common friend who went out with her and the rest.
God would reveal whatever I need to know.
I just miss you so much.

I know you are just my niece, not my daughter.

As long as you are growing well, I am fine.

Then I see you on 7 Dec.

Just now I met my gf who is like a big sister to me.

I told her of the incident of that 17 years old and she said I tend to take things seriously and personally.

I thought about it and ya, to a certain extent she is right.

I thought we are to be sincere with one another.

Of course I take every relationship seriously.

But I have to accept that not everyone thinks the same.

It is so easy to "con" me because I tend to be too trusting.

I want to be wise as a serpent, harmless as a dove.

I didn't lose anything.

I gained an experience.

I learnt that not all teens are as innocent as the ones I know.

I'm too sheltered.

Yesterday I bumped into the doctor who delivered you at the Fundraising Lunch of Safe Place!

She knows my friend!

Wow, I didn't know that she's a Christian.

Praise God that she was very nice to calmly explain to me when there was a disagreement between her and the anaesthesiologist when your mummy was having induced labour.

Initially it was decided that the doctors could help to sign the papers for epidural for your mummy so your grandpa didn't have to go to the hospital.

But when your mum asked for epidural, the anaesthesiologist refused to administer it without parental consent.
Your mum was below 21.
But hey baby, you know ah, no parental consent is needed for abortion.
There is no age limit.
The youngest to have an abortion in Singapore is 13 years old.
An abortion is a surgery to kill a cutie like you. :(
Mummy was in such great pain and she begged me to call grandpa.

I cried because it must have been so painful that mummy had to beg me. 

Of course I quickly called him.

The doctors were shocked by our emotional outburst.

When I was waiting for your grandpa, then the doctor called to say that they would sign the papers but grandpa was already on his way.

I was really upset.

Because your grandpa came and said his usual mantra that really irritated me. 

I didn't sleep the whole night!

That's why it's so hard to communicate with your grandpa.

I'm the kind who finds it hard to "one ear in, one ear out".

I just kept quiet.

As long as your mum got her epidural.

The doctor's patience calmed me.

I also didn't want to pursue the matter.

I just said that the disagreement between you guys made things difficult for the patient and the family.

So baby, see?

It's not easy to have you for 9 months and to give birth to you.

I told my friend that I'm like a surrogate dad.

I was there for your birth.

I know your vital statistics.

How can I not be sad that I'm left out of your life?

But this is temporary.

I believe God will make all things beautiful in His time.

I long for the days when I can see you freely.

You are in good hands and that's all that matters.

Sorry that I cannot let you and mummy stay with me.

I cannot handle such a responsibility at this point in life.

I hardly know your mum.

I have my own load to carry.

When you are older, it would be easier for me to help to take care of you.

If the Lord wills, I can teach you... 

We wait ok?

Wait for me.

I love you, Emmanuelle.

9th letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

My dearest Emmanuelle,

last Sunday I texted your mummy if she wanted to come out with you. 

I can even travel all the way to meet you gals.

She didn't reply. I also didn't bother to ask her anymore.

What's the point?

How can I keep chasing for a response?

How can I force anyone to be close to me?

No one can do that to me too.

It is nearly 1 and a half years since you were conceived and I reached out to her.

Now I understand a little bit of how it must be heartbreaking for God to send Jesus to die on the cross for even those who may never receive Him.

Your mummy and I were like strangers before your conception.

I am closer to my 3 elder sisters (your three older aunts) because we have the same Mummy.

They have loved me since I was a baby.

I just honored your aunts publicly on Sunday and thought I want to continue to build the relationship with your mummy and you, of course.

You and mummy are our family's lost babes.

I can understand a bit of how your mummy must feel, as if being abandoned by the family.

I have done my best in trying to bridge the gap.

I have come to realize that it's alright that each one of us needs time to come back to the family.

Didn't I take more than a decade?

I need to be patient with others just as others have been patient with me.

So unless your mummy wants to come forward, I guess I can only see you on your 1st birthday celebration on 7 December.

I think I will cry when I see you.

It's like you are so near and yet so far.

I told God I want to stop mourning over the losses.

I cannot keep on like this.

I want to lead my own life with God.

The best thing I have done was to dedicate you and mummy to God.

Wherever you gals are, God is with you.

During the time-out period, I thought as long as you are alive, even if you are not close to us, I am contented.

That's love.

Love does not mean possessing that person but wishing that person well.

Is that how God loves us?

I love you, baby.

One day you will know your roots and know Jesus.

All of us are accountable to Him so I refuse to be afraid of what people will say about me, about our family.

Now I only have gratitude to God for putting me in this family.

I am the peacemaker of our family.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. (Matthew 5:9) 

The harvest is in our family.

I pray for more labourers.

Love you, my darling.

You are in His safe arms.

He loves you and mummy much more than I can ever do so.