10th letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

Dearest Emmanuelle, 

how many letters do I have to write before I can see you?

So many people, including I myself have been telling me to let go...

I think I am doing well in terms of coming to terms with maybe not even seeing you for a month or two... 

I haven't seen you on Instagram stories too.

Your mummy said that she has been busy...then when I asked her when is good, again she didn't reply.

It's all about priorities and I get it that I'm not on the list.
I just bumped into a common friend who went out with her and the rest.
God would reveal whatever I need to know.
I just miss you so much.

I know you are just my niece, not my daughter.

As long as you are growing well, I am fine.

Then I see you on 7 Dec.

Just now I met my gf who is like a big sister to me.

I told her of the incident of that 17 years old and she said I tend to take things seriously and personally.

I thought about it and ya, to a certain extent she is right.

I thought we are to be sincere with one another.

Of course I take every relationship seriously.

But I have to accept that not everyone thinks the same.

It is so easy to "con" me because I tend to be too trusting.

I want to be wise as a serpent, harmless as a dove.

I didn't lose anything.

I gained an experience.

I learnt that not all teens are as innocent as the ones I know.

I'm too sheltered.

Yesterday I bumped into the doctor who delivered you at the Fundraising Lunch of Safe Place!

She knows my friend!

Wow, I didn't know that she's a Christian.

Praise God that she was very nice to calmly explain to me when there was a disagreement between her and the anaesthesiologist when your mummy was having induced labour.

Initially it was decided that the doctors could help to sign the papers for epidural for your mummy so your grandpa didn't have to go to the hospital.

But when your mum asked for epidural, the anaesthesiologist refused to administer it without parental consent.
Your mum was below 21.
But hey baby, you know ah, no parental consent is needed for abortion.
There is no age limit.
The youngest to have an abortion in Singapore is 13 years old.
An abortion is a surgery to kill a cutie like you. :(
Mummy was in such great pain and she begged me to call grandpa.

I cried because it must have been so painful that mummy had to beg me. 

Of course I quickly called him.

The doctors were shocked by our emotional outburst.

When I was waiting for your grandpa, then the doctor called to say that they would sign the papers but grandpa was already on his way.

I was really upset.

Because your grandpa came and said his usual mantra that really irritated me. 

I didn't sleep the whole night!

That's why it's so hard to communicate with your grandpa.

I'm the kind who finds it hard to "one ear in, one ear out".

I just kept quiet.

As long as your mum got her epidural.

The doctor's patience calmed me.

I also didn't want to pursue the matter.

I just said that the disagreement between you guys made things difficult for the patient and the family.

So baby, see?

It's not easy to have you for 9 months and to give birth to you.

I told my friend that I'm like a surrogate dad.

I was there for your birth.

I know your vital statistics.

How can I not be sad that I'm left out of your life?

But this is temporary.

I believe God will make all things beautiful in His time.

I long for the days when I can see you freely.

You are in good hands and that's all that matters.

Sorry that I cannot let you and mummy stay with me.

I cannot handle such a responsibility at this point in life.

I hardly know your mum.

I have my own load to carry.

When you are older, it would be easier for me to help to take care of you.

If the Lord wills, I can teach you... 

We wait ok?

Wait for me.

I love you, Emmanuelle.

9th letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

My dearest Emmanuelle,

last Sunday I texted your mummy if she wanted to come out with you. 

I can even travel all the way to meet you gals.

She didn't reply. I also didn't bother to ask her anymore.

What's the point?

How can I keep chasing for a response?

How can I force anyone to be close to me?

No one can do that to me too.

It is nearly 1 and a half years since you were conceived and I reached out to her.

Now I understand a little bit of how it must be heartbreaking for God to send Jesus to die on the cross for even those who may never receive Him.

Your mummy and I were like strangers before your conception.

I am closer to my 3 elder sisters (your three older aunts) because we have the same Mummy.

They have loved me since I was a baby.

I just honored your aunts publicly on Sunday and thought I want to continue to build the relationship with your mummy and you, of course.

You and mummy are our family's lost babes.

I can understand a bit of how your mummy must feel, as if being abandoned by the family.

I have done my best in trying to bridge the gap.

I have come to realize that it's alright that each one of us needs time to come back to the family.

Didn't I take more than a decade?

I need to be patient with others just as others have been patient with me.

So unless your mummy wants to come forward, I guess I can only see you on your 1st birthday celebration on 7 December.

I think I will cry when I see you.

It's like you are so near and yet so far.

I told God I want to stop mourning over the losses.

I cannot keep on like this.

I want to lead my own life with God.

The best thing I have done was to dedicate you and mummy to God.

Wherever you gals are, God is with you.

During the time-out period, I thought as long as you are alive, even if you are not close to us, I am contented.

That's love.

Love does not mean possessing that person but wishing that person well.

Is that how God loves us?

I love you, baby.

One day you will know your roots and know Jesus.

All of us are accountable to Him so I refuse to be afraid of what people will say about me, about our family.

Now I only have gratitude to God for putting me in this family.

I am the peacemaker of our family.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. (Matthew 5:9) 

The harvest is in our family.

I pray for more labourers.

Love you, my darling.

You are in His safe arms.

He loves you and mummy much more than I can ever do so.