Love A Stranger

Was having dinner with a friend yesterday and this couple came with their 1+ year old big-eyed handsome boy. Every stranger looks more adorable when they come with a cute little bundle of joy. And so I commented that he's so cute, he is a blessing etc. I can see that they were very happy that we bothered to talk to them about their joy!

I must say it's God who made me bolder in talking to complete strangers, though of course it is still a great struggle when it comes to certain strangers who will ask me 1001 personal questions just to satisfy their curiosity. I'm sure God will prepare and teach me on how to turn all those questions into meaningful discussion for His purpose.

Suddenly the idea called 'Stranger Ministry' came into my mind. Each of us is in it every day. If each of us reaches out to 1 stranger a day, guess what? A caring society is formed! Who knows, a life can be saved! It is not uncommon to see people crying in public and I did too. Someone passed me a pack of tissue paper. But now it's different for me. I have Jesus who put my tears in His bottle, who will wipe my tears away. Every face on the street cries out to be known, to be cared for, to be valued as His precious one. We should even think of our family members as strangers cos truly, we can easily take them for granted. We can put unrealistic expectations on them such that we despair cos we are too deep into subjectivity.

Just as I challenge you, I challenge myself. Eye one stranger a day takes the 'I' in me away!
https://www.facebook.com/lovexenos/?ref=aymt_homepage_panel


Strong's Number G3581-xenos occurs 14 times in 14 verses in the Greek concordance of the KJV

Matthew 25:35,38,43,44,27:7
Acts 17:18,21
Romans 16:23
Ephesians 2:12,19
Hebrews 11:13, 13:9
1 Peter 4:12
3 John 1:5

What good is hidden love?

My good fren in university used to say I'm very stingy with praises. Having studied social work, I asked myself, "How can it be?" Though we lost contact, I remembered her words and learnt to be more verbal in appreciating others.

There was no goodbye when my mum passed on. There were many years of unresolved grief but today when I remember her, she and I have shared so much for 19 years that she had no doubt that I love her. An unfortunate death but a life of no regret with the woman I admire most in my life and whom I learn from.

As we grow older, the words hidden in our heart get buried deeper. I look at the Bible. So many words. If our God doesn't reveal, we won't know His heart. Same for people. If we take too long to show our care and concern, if we are afraid to warn for fear of man, if love is hidden and cannot be shown, what good is love?

The unpredictability of life is such that we have no time to waste in showing our love to anyone who crosses our path. We never know when is the last time.

Pride is the longest distance between two people. And God does warn us about our pride. It is our enemy and only God who is Love in us can fight it!

Don't take too long to say what needs to be said. We don't always have the chance to wait.

You hold my future!

Thanks everyone for your birthday blessings! As I grow older, the excitement of celebrating my own birthday dwindles. I can now even be at ease staying at home and be assured that I am with the Person I love most and who definitely love me more than I can ever imagined.

But God is good. He sent a family of Christ to be with me the whole day, greatest bonus is the 3 years old who can melt any person's heart with her cuteness n thoughtfulness! To witness a child growing healthily in all aspects is my great joy. Thanks for being there!😊

I claimed God's favour and I thank Him for His provision all these years. I don't know what my future holds but I know who holds my future.

No matter what had happened, is happening and will happen, He was in my past, now in my present and by His strength, forever into my future!

Thanks for being there, each in your own way, each with your own expression of love.

The 'T's in my life

Suddenly I find so many 'T's in my life!

The power of the + in my life, my ongoing testimony of His everlasting love n faithfulness and everyday's thanksgiving help me to overcome temptations and go through tests!

10Then I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, “Now salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren, who accused them before our God day and night, has been cast down.

11“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death.

(Revelation 12)

Love is not = compromise

1. Define discrimination and provide the statistics.
2. If discrimination is just an idea and is so loosely used, it is great discrimination to call people who disagree with a certain lifestyle as bigots.

It is healthy that there is stigma to behaviour that does not help that person nor contribute to the common good of the society. As we all know, the HIV rates among the homosexual and bisexual is way above the heterosexual. Do check it out at MOH website, bearing in mind that the LGBTs constitute less than 2% of our population.

The writer is right in saying that everyone is free to live their life in Singapore. It's normalisation and celebration of their lifestyles that LGBTs want. Just as I cannot force you to change your lifestyle, no law, no amount of time can change the fact that we only discriminate against behaviours, NOT PEOPLE.

I love my friends who struggle with brokenness but that does not mean I have to agree with their lifestyles.

我的福杯满溢

We create a better culture

1. Premarital sex is considered the norm by people who practise it and to them it's personal and has no stigma to it.

2. Having sex leads to pregnancy.

3. When a child is conceived before marriage, why is being an unwed mother suddenly a stigma, an inconvenience when it is a known fact that actions lead to consequences?

Let's not attribute any woman's decision to kill a child or not on the society. We should provide the support but it's already at a remedial stage of intervention, with great losses to mum and child, father too, even if he is not present. Who says men are not affected in such cases? And why are they not involved when it takes two to make a life?

We should first inculcate in our young the sanctity of life, responsibility and valuing of self and others. We start them young, for the kids learn at astronomical rate! There is no shame in teaching what is right. Our focus should be developmental and preventive, such that we build a culture whereby chastity is the norm.

We are live fish. We swim upstreams.
We create a better culture.

Choose chastity

A child is born.
His father is not with him.
Every child needs a dad and a mum.
Choose chastity.

When love is more than a word

Everyone wants to hear the 3 words, "I love you".
No one wants to know or hear the other 3 words, "Love requires sacrifice".

Jesus wrote these 6 words with His blood on our hearts.

I love you.
Love requires sacrifice.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcjkJp9VxY8&list=PL582660AA7D03059C

Who rules in your life?

The prince of this world (super temporary position) uses our past to enslave us to defeat n shame.

The Almighty God, our Creator, enables us to overcome our past with His strength for His glory.

Now tell me, who is your best Friend? 
Who is your enemy?
Who rules in your life?

Encounter encouragement

Every decision we make in our lives has different encounters. Sisters n niece went to a crowded area to buy some stuff. I really don't like being in a crowded area for very obvious reasons. Was feeling rather 'lonely' that I don't want to join them for that short while n so was walking around the mall. Then I met this lady who had prayed with me before, sometime, somewhere last year but I forgot the details. She actually remembered what I shared and told me to perservere in praying about that issue. I was actually very discouraged about that area of my life so yes, it was an uplifting encounter! I guess God is using her to encourage me cos He knows I don't have the confidence to interpret His messages in His dreams to me...

God speaks, God speaks but sometimes, the heart is too afraid to listen, too timid to believe...
If I had gone into the crowded area, I would have missed that encouragement!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

Discrimination is against behaviour, not the person

This letter was sent to Voices but was not published.

It is misleading of Ms Jolene Tan to assume that the accused in the extortion of an older male teacher was 'enabled by the atmosphere of secrecy that our society has imposed on LGBT people'. (Legal, societal discrimination leaves LGBT people vulnerable to abuse; Jan 19). Is the society to blame for any abuse or criminal act done by people in homosexual relationship?

Any married person fears exposure of adultery as it rightly threatens the person's reputation and job security. (Man pleads guilty to extorting $197k, gifts from male teacher he had tryst with"; 12 Jan) All MOE educators are to conduct themselves in a manner that upholds the integrity of the profession and the trust placed in them by students, parents and the community. This is a case of adultery that casts doubts on the teacher's character. Can a teacher who cheats on his wife be entrusted to teach and model the values of honesty and responsibility to the next generation? This is one of the critical issues that needs to be resolved by MOE.

The words 'stigmatization', 'discrimination' are malleable terms used by gay activists to incite strong emotions that are not based on truths. It is now very common to see same-sex couples behaving affectionately in public. Just as it is for heterosexual couples, indecent public acts are prohibited by law. As Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong said in 2007 (Why we should leave Section 377A alone: PM; The Straits Times, October 24, 2007): "Homosexuals work in all sectors...they are free to lead their lives, free to pursue their social activities. But there are restraints and we do not approve of them actively promoting their lifestyle to others, or setting the tone for mainstream society." The Tripartite Alliance for Fair and Progressive Employment Practices (TAFEP) also ensures that employment is fair and based on merit. 

The accused and the victim met through an online web portal TREVVY, which was set up in March 1999 to connect the gay community in Singapore. There are gay clubs and bars here, not to mention Pink Dot's annual gathering at Hong Lim Park. There are student groups openly supporting LGBT youth in our tertiary institutions. Where is the 'atmosphere of secrecy that our society has imposed on LGBT people'? 

Same-sex relationships are routinely censored in media representation for good reasons. The government ministries recognize that the family must remain the basic building block of Singapore society and more support will be given "to create a conducive environment for Singaporeans to start families and raise children, enjoy family life and experience meaningful family ties." (Expect more marriage, parenting support in 'pro-family' Singapore, Channel News Asia, Jan 20) As President Tony Tan Keng Yam rightly said, "Children are our hope and future". The government is interested in the continuity of life, in the common good of the society, not in our romantic lives.   

Every person has intrinsic value. A sexual orientation that goes against nature is a presenting problem. It is caused by many underlying factors that deserved to be look into, to help the individual understand that his sexual orientation is not his identity. I am one of the many who will never be ready to accept any relationship that is against nature. It is the behaviour or lifestyle of the person that we discriminate, not the person. The progressiveness of a society relies on clinging on to timeless moral values like fidelity in marriage, true compassion, responsibility and telling the truth in love to those who are broken.    

We are dust with His breath of life!

I dread Lunar New Year for many years n even now, resisting the compulsory rituals etc but suddenly yesterday's encounter with Uncle William is like God speaking into my heart the things I resist, those I cannot understand, those that I just want to run away from...

Like taking time to talk to strangers. Not an easy thing cos sometimes U just feel so tired that all U want is to keep quiet. U want that space, the bigger the better. Then thinking of why some elderly are easier to talk to...n that sadness just overwhelms. But it's because strangers are not related to us, we have no or not much expectations of them, that's why it's so much easier to look at them in a different light. Strangers are angels, whether they are nice or not, cos they are the mirrors that reflect ourselves.

Actually every year is not as bad as I imagined cos it's really nice to meet up with closer relatives during CNY. It's fabulous to watch the kids all grown up, listening to them screaming away:O

To be in Christ is not easy. It's stretching n more stretching. It's doing what your flesh abhors but your spirit treasures. It's inconvenience but is of eternal value. It seems nothing but is everything to another person. Most importantly, everything done in God's way bring God's strength and joy upon thy way.

And look who's smiling when we stretch ourselves? Isn't it our Maker who knows what we are made of? Dust with His breath of life! Hallelujah!

耶稣祝福你!

Met two interesting men yesterday.

Sat down at the coffee shop opposite this 77 years old healthy-looking uncle n decided to talk to him. He said people call him William since now everyone has English name. He was smiling away, telling me the history of Singapore, kept asking me, "你明白吗?" then always end off with, "你不明白啦." Then I just laughed n laughed. Our smiles reflect each other's, like that of a mirror. He laughed because I laughed. I laughed because he's comical, kind,reasonable n just that kind of elderly who makes U feel comfortable...encouraged him to speak to more young people. I always believe in my last sentence, "耶稣祝福你", because that's the sincere blessing we can deposit into anyone's heart, whether it's acknowledged or not.

Met a student working part-time at NTUC. Super courteous, friendly, helpful, considerate that he is one of the few that I would initiate to write a compliment on the feedback form. Guess it's so rare n unbelievable to find such a great worker that I asked if he's a Singaporean n yes, he is! Let's compliment as often as we can, rather than be 'complain kings', like what Uncle William said.
耶稣祝福你! 愿你也像我一样，明白耶稣有多爱你！

More balanced help needed for transgenders

This letter was sent to ST Forum but was not published.

It is heart-wrenching that some transgenders are kicked out of their families and as a result, make the wrong choices to go into drugs or sex work. This aggravates the loneliness and low self-esteem in them that can be prevented with the right help. (Beauty pageant for transgender women gets more support from the public; Jan 17) 

There is no such thing as "sex-reassignment" surgery. A mutilated male pumped full of estrogen can never be a woman. Nor are women who have undergone total hysterectomies transformed into males. They remain women whose ovaries and wombs have been removed. They are not men. 

The conviction of oneself as 'transgender' is a delusion. As the larger community, by supporting this beauty pageant, we are encouraging this delusion to grow, not helping the deluded person to face the reality of his condition. This is to shortchange the treatment of anyone who comes with a genuine struggle. Transgenderism is a presenting problem that needs to be dealt with at its root causes, not cover-up with more lies and false glory. Support and counselling is needed from the larger community like the family service centres to help clients and their families have a balanced view of the help available. 

Every human has intrinsic value, born beautiful and precious. As a person born with a physical disability, I can somewhat identify with the transgenders, feeling like an outcast, enduring the insensitive comments of people who do not understand my condition. I do face differential treatments at times which make me angry and lament the unfairness of life. 

I could have continued being bitter and make more wrong choices that put me in greater danger and isolation. I am not immune to issues like family circumstances, rejection, relationships, work etc just because I have a disability. Likewise a person struggling with identity issues. Problems do not vanish just because they have a new 'identity'. It is we who make the decisions on how to live our lives, no matter the circumstances. 

When struggles are viewed as challenges, when we rise up as overcomers rather than see ourselves as victims, when we experience the beauty and worth in ourselves, we are then ready to view our problems objectively.

My legacy after 9 years in Christ

相信有爱 就有奇迹

The song that I cannot stop playing to lift up my spirit...

黑夜将过去 未来不再迟疑
牵起我的手 祢给我勇气
曙光渐显明 点亮前方路
我展翅高飞 祢给我信心
只要相信 相信就有奇迹
挥动信心的翅膀 随着梦想起飞
相信有爱 就有奇迹
不轻言放弃 只要打开眼睛
手牵手一起 就不孤寂
相信有爱 就有奇迹
虽然逆着风 祢给我勇气
飞往那佳美之地

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji9_W-8E4pA

Teens are not weirdos

If we are not involved in the lives of our children when they are very young, we can be sure that our children won't let us be involved in their lives when they are older. 

We have lost that golden age of molding them according to the right moral values.

I look at my primary school kids. 

By God's strength, grace n favour, I try my best to steer every child to virtues, being caught by the kids when I say something wrong without malice but nonetheless not edifying to them. 

They are my best critics:)

Start young. 

The younger the better. 

No one knows how each will turn out despite all our prayers n efforts but it's all worth it cos I have seen the fruit.

I think of my niece when she was much younger and now that she's 16. 

For a while, we became a little distant despite me trying to be the most devoted aunt to her before she was born. 

Because we had a strong foundation, because she has parents who love her, because all she wants is just a listening ear before she permits me to speak, therefore we can become closer. 

Now I'm not just her aunt. She calls me her friend.

As an aunt, I do cry over her. What more for parents?

Kids are not weirdos. 

They are just like you n me. 

We just got to rewind the years n remember that we were once so rash, so rude, so naive, so...
It is then that we can seek to understand the mind n heart of a young person...

God is God, man is man

I used to say I thank God that I received Him in my life. But I have come to experience that it is Him who first formed me, understood me and loved me. I have nothing to offer Him that deserves His unfailing protection and hedge around me. All I can offer is my love and obedience to His will, the fear of the Lord saving my life every moment. It's not a feeling. It's an experience. It's an experience backed up by His Word!

I have seen much to see how much I have been saved from. I have tasted much to know how much I have been bestowed. Much is given, much is required. There are reasons why I have so much, so little to the world but so much to Him and me.

Throughout all these, I have not wavered. 
I could not sing and praise at times. 
All I could was stare at the words, devouring them deep into my soul. 
Man's words, ya, they do comfort but they come with very limited understanding, no matter how empathetic that person is or tries hard to be. 
That's why God is God and man is man.

I pray all my life even till the day I meet Him, I will treasure Him. 
No matter what happens, Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever!

Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.
Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners shall be converted to You. (Psalm 51)

Struggles are real, so are solutions.

Past midnight, a life was nearly lost right in front of me. 

A traumatic experience for me, an outsider.

We prayed n I have no doubt You answered! 

Even if it had been otherwise, I know You know better.

I thank God for the rescue team. 

They risked their lives to save someone who doesn't appreciate his life at this moment.

One and a half hour of venting. 

No one wants to die until it seems unbearable and desperate.

May you receive the healing and help you need, knowing that you are saved for a purpose greater than you can ever imagined.

Shalom.

https://sos.org.sg/helping-someone

How wretched we are!

The phone has been too noisy and will get noisier as I seek to glorify You even more.
Too many whatsapp groups, too many people to text or reply to, but mostly because I overestimate myself.
I have not been vigilant in guarding my heart.
I didn't make a distinction between making myself available for You or for just Your work or just for Your people.
I have forgotten to prioritize.
Even till now, I know I'm still not fully resting in You.
As of today, my phone has been in silent mode when I'm outside, in my wardrobe when I'm at home.
Suddenly I have peace. At least no more worry or tension about who is texting...
I have been controlled by a mere phone.
I'm regaining control over my life, this life that should be dedicated to You.
I thank You Lord, that despite all that has happened since 2014, I have never disbelieved You. My devotion time has been shortened as I learn so many other things but You have and will never be replaced by anyone.
I know how needy I am in You.
Yesterday, You showed me my wretched state.
You showed me how much I have overcome yet that success can be wiped away by my emotions.
You are great in mercy and You love me, despite all my iniquities, my failures.
How can I ever not be contented in Your love?
You know my desires. You know my needs. You know what is best for me at Your timing.
I couldn't sing during worship. I just looked at the words, sucking them all into my heart.
You know me. I needed Your words to envelop me, to comfort me such that I can be healed by You and soar again.
I'm on the road to recovery, just that the heart is as brittle as my bones when I was born.
Only for now.
I don't know how to communicate with people whom I don't know well and likewise with people who don't know me well. Seems like what I say can easily be misunderstood or unappreciated, also because I'm hypersensitive now.
I don't have the energy nor the heart to clarify anything.
Therefore, I didn't and don't want to talk in a group for now.
It is hard to pour out and not be appreciated. Perhaps it's not like this. I know I'm too sensitive. I can't clarify also because I don't know them well. I don't have a safe area to begin with. The safest Person to be with is You.
Day 1 of shutting self up.
A release. Guessing if anyone will miss my presence, that's the vain me.
Left the prayer meeting while they were praying.
Don't agree with some viewpoints.
Realize that some people speak as if they speak for You.
Presumptions, assumptions sound the alert in me.
Must pray very loud then it will come true?
I know it also has to do with my condition that I have all these thoughts.
I'm just sad that we expect empathy from others when we ourselves are not doing the same.
I'm speaking about myself too.
How wretched we are.
Thank You Lord for being with me.
Thank You Lord that I can write out my feelings easily.
Thank You Lord that I don't bother about what others think about what I have shared in my blog.
I have nothing to hide.
The less I hide, the freer I am in You.

I want to live again!

I broke my own record of telling my family story to people that I'm not that close to.
Means the shame that I felt about my family background has been torn down.
So what if I, at 40 years old, has 3 step-siblings at ages 16, 15 and 5?
So what if they are the age of my nieces and nephews?
Why should I feel the shame when it's not done by me?
What else can I do?
How do I talk sense to my 80 years old father?
So what if I still feel the hurt and cried since the first day of 2016, not taking into account all the tears and hardships that I went through since my early 20s?
So what if I object to any plan he has, with a woman appearing at our family dinner?
Lord, what else can I do?
I don't even know how to pray for him.
I struggled to come to terms with turning 40 last year and well, on 29 January this year, I will be 1 year older than 40.
Everyone, or at least even younger people, even men, struggle with age issues.
And so I'm normal.
It's funny how the feelings we have, we think they are so unique to us but in actual fact, it's universal.
While every case is different, every human is the same with a tinge of difference.
I don't know if I have swung from being very emotional to being hardened.
Flooding emotions drowned me so many times until perhaps, now that I learn to look at facts, perhaps I may not be able to detect the emotions of others as sharply as I want.
Or perhaps I'm just not sharp.
I'm tired, Lord.
Encouraging others do help me to know that I'm not the most pitiable woman.
But I guess I have to rest.
I'm just recovering with lots of uncertainties.
I think too far.
I'm supposed to think of today only.
Lord, I will not react like last time.
My father can do whatever he wants cos he has freewill.
As a sister to my step-siblings, there's a limit to what I can do but I can do something.
The sky looks so bleak, raining every day, as if the warmth of the sun has disappeared.
But every day and night come and go without fail.
I want to see the gems of life.
I want to treasure the treasures You have put in my mind, heart, soul and body.
I want to stop mourning over my own losses or blame anyone.
I want to be like You.
Even when no one's watching, encouraging, appreciating...
As long as my heart beats, it will beat for You.
Come and heal the pain in my heart.
I want to live again!

Ip Man 3

I don't usually watch Chinese movies but I would recommend this movie to adults, not children. Can be rather violent.

I recommend it because
-personally I like kungfu/action movies, serious ones, not those with lousy storyline...and well Ip Man is portrayed as a gentle man with 'gentle' strokes, unlike his opponent who practises the same strokes but is vicious and violent in his battles...

I parallel it with both showing the truth in life, one with love, another with aggression. 

-When the gangsters disrupt law and order at that time, Ip Man in his conversation with the policeman talked about morality and how children are watching how adults handled the situation. That was an Aha moment, so apt to what's happening in our society now. Justice needs to be upheld, everyone has a responsibility.

-The love in a marriage that stands against the trials of life. Ip Man's wife was dying of cancer. Before Ip Man knew about it, he was very busy being a hero. After he knew that his wife was dying, he spent all his time and effort on his wife, learning dancing because his wife loved it. His reputation and career were threatened but wife was number one. Wife was very supportive, died after watching him do what a man's got to do. The mutual love and sacrifices portrayed in a marriage is what makes this kungfu movie touching!
If I'm not wrong, the past two series portrayed a bit of their marriage too but this time round, it left a deep impression on me.

I know it's a movie. But movies can and do portray reality to a certain extent. 

The simplest things in life can teach us the most profound lessons.

I am very beautiful

Slept at 11+pm on the last day of 2015, woke up at 4+am on 1 Jan 2016.
Blessed 2016 everyone, to me too!
Was like asking God, "Can You let me sleep more?"
Sometimes it works.
But like the morning after caroling at Geylang, certain things just need to be written out before I lose that moment to be able to say it the best.
Just came back from Arise Issachar! Crossover Worldview Camp in JB on New Year's eve.
God can surface a lot of stuff within that 4 days 3 nights.
God can do anything at any time and anywhere but many times, we are not there.
It's a lot of busyness with others this whole December holiday.
I was like, hey, I better catch up with so-and-so before they start school...
I do enjoy every process of interacting with people, though when it comes to expressing myself, I think I come across clearer when I write rather than speak.
I do feel frustrated when I can't express that deepest feelings in face-to-face interactions.
Twice you said that sentence, "You are very beautiful."
First time in whatsapp, second time face-to-face and finally I could understand a little more of what you meant.
Because of what you said, because you are the first one to ever say that to me, your words left a great impact on me.
Yes, I do receive lots of good comments like I'm courageous, inspiring...but I don't think anyone ever told me that I'm beautiful, not to say 'very beautiful'.
I doubted the first time, or rather I cannot understand how I'm beautiful in the physical sense.
You meant it in the physical sense too.
I remembered when I was in my teens, a male nurse actually commented to his colleague in front of me that if I do not have this condition, there would be many people chasing after me.
Words spoken can haunt us for life if we do not realise the potency of it.
Again in teenage years, when friends bypass me while asking everyone what kind of boyfriends they want, I thought I'm not qualified to desire a boyfriend.
As years passed, no one dared to ask me about my relationship status, save for strangers whom I do not want to share with.
Why would I want to share my private stuff with people who just want to satisfy their curiosity but have no intention of staying in my life?
You are the second person to ask me about my love life.
As little as I had, yet the past 5 years was like a counterfeit of what a relationship is like.
We spoke from 1+ to 4+ am in the dark, at that cold dining area, on 30 December 2015.
That was Part 1.
I thought I have finished crying.
I gave myself one month to cry after a 5 years 'relationship'.
I thought, wow, that's impressive. Thank God! I recovered at such an amazing speed.
I won! I could get over him in one month. Well, at least, I did not waste my time moping over a man who doesn't deserve my tears.
I didn't want to get into depression, I didn't want to be weak. I have better things to do. God's Kingdom is at stake. What is my emotions compared to the larger issues in life?
See? I'm an expert in masking myself.
On the surface, I'm this super brave woman inspiring others.
I thought I have stopped being a superwoman after I came to Christ.
Apparently, I still have that side of me.
Since my mum died when I was 19 years old, I was forced to grow up overnight.
If I don't fend for myself, no one will be there for me.
Sounds familiar?
And so I told you how I really felt after that confrontation which he imposed on me.
I was unprepared yet I knew I had to hear him out.
"I have never pursued you."
You are honest, that I know. You are insensitive, that I also know. All I could say was, "You are embarrassing me."
Then you asked, "Even if I have a girlfriend, can't you be my 知己?" Oh, that day then I knew I was a 知己.
Your question woke me up. I thank God that no matter how I felt, I cut that soul tie at that very moment.
You had experiences before. I didn't.
You initiated most of the time, I didn't.
My part in this was, I was the willing party.
I enjoyed the attention given by you. Why wouldn't anyone, man or woman?
My fault was, I did not set the boundary. Neither did you, though I wonder if you ever realize that.
So yes, we were both at fault.
And so friend, I told you about him.
I felt like I could be someone that he shared his emotions with but he never considered me or never dared to.
That was in 2014 but it was only in 2015 that God revealed why he would not be the one.
I'm grateful that it is not him. It wouldn't work out anyway.
So that early morning talk with you helped me to have a better idea of why I felt the things I feel now.
16 years old niece said, "Ah yi, you are so nice but I don't understand why no guys like you. Then what about me?"
I was flattered, amused but ya, I know.
Seems like only women can see the goodness in me. Men, even if they are inspired, unless he's the one that my Lord calls, he won't be able to love me.
In a way, I can see God's shield over me. If it's like what the male nurse said, as if many men would chase me, wouldn't it be worse?
I'm learning to surrender more as I grow older.
And the beauty of surrendering is knowing that no matter who the person I like loves or who loves him, it doesn't matter cos ultimately we know, it's God who decides.
Same for me. God already has a book written about me. Why am I fretting?
On the morning of 31st December, I spoke to you again.
"You are very beautiful..."
I thank you for your kind and honest words.
In the midst of what you are facing, yet you are listening and assuring me.
I believe you cos I believe what God says.
I will praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works and my soul knows that very well.  
That very first time you told me that I'm very beautiful, I laid it in my heart and I wrote this to God without thinking.

God, You make me more and more beautiful than I ever know myself!
I told you that was not how I saw myself. In fact, I can only tell God this. I can't even tell anyone that I see myself the way I think others see me, stuck in the physical sense.
I'm just as shallow as anyone. I always see beauty as tall, slim, brains...
I fall short of the world's beauty standards, especially my own standards.
For the very first time, I can actually use the word 'beautiful' to describe myself.
I thought all I can do is to beautify my heart cos I'm not beautiful on the outside.
And I felt so sad and guilty towards my Creator.
Lord, forgive me for despising Your creation!
It is in You that I can finally come to terms with myself.
And I begin to realise all the issues that I face are not unique to people with disabilities.
Everyone faces issues like low self-esteem, rejection, unfulfilled relationships......
I am not immune to universal issues but neither am I having these issues just because I have a disability.
I'm just like you.
You are just like me.
There's no line that divides between the normal you and the 'abnormal' me.
All I need is only physical help that is slightly more than you, just like an elderly who needs mobility aids.
I am beautiful because of You, O Lord!
Jesus has no beauty that we should desire Him.
Yet He is the most desirable Man in this world cos He died for you and me.
If the most desirable Man so desires me that He saved me from the miry clay, set my feet upon a rock and established my steps, am I not beautiful? Am I not desirable to have a Husband like Him?
Year 2016 will be a year of more yielding and surrendering from me to my Abba Father.
For it is in quietness and rest, in confidence and trust that I know how real You are.
So many things unsettled for this year yet I will trust You O Lord!
I will lift my hands to You, not to man but You and You alone.
Your Word will be ingrained in my mind and heart, not the careless words of man.
What are man's words compared to Yours?
Thank You Lord for saving me.
For saving me for greater things in You.
For molding me for greater things.
For letting me know that no matter what lies ahead, You are before me.
You have already prepared in advance what You have in store for me.
All You want is my 100% willingness to cooperate with You.

With Love,
Your very beautiful and precious daughter