信是爱，爱之信

Dear Heavenly Father,

Today as I went to retrieve my wheelchair in church, Mary, a lady who always sit in front of me told me that while we were worshipping, she saw a vision of me being lifted up and in Your embrace!:D 

Wow, actually last year when I was in the pits, I had a vision of myself in Your embrace.

The little girl in me, in my Father's arms, crying so hard.

And the impression I received last July is supposed to come true next year, if I truly receive it correctly.

I guess I am still trying to differentiate between fantasy and faith.

Times when I thought I got it so right but things went wrong.

Until I'm like, God, how can I hear You correctly?

Then You would give me encouragement through people, through opportunities, through songs, through sermons, through videos, through dreams!

Even this morning when I woke up, I was thinking of how to go for service in such a weather.

I just pray for a drizzle, instead of the rain stopping? 

Because it rained the whole night.

As if it is impossible to stop?

Wow, You stopped the rain before and after service lor.

You are like chiding me that I have little faith!:(

I also want to scold myself :(

I pray that I will have greater faith in You.

I pray that I will have reverent fear of You such that I will not do anything that displeases You.

I pray that I will love and desire You above man and things of the world.

I pray that I will know You more and more.

I pray that I will know people who point me to You.

I pray that I will be wise as serpent, harmless as dove.

I pray for more students to teach and mold.

I pray that I have more opportunities to share You!

I pray that I can write better, in the writing style You have given me.

I don't need to follow the writing style of anyone because I am SHLP.

I thank You that through it all, I get to know You even better.

I thank You that You stripped me of all that I love so that I can love You and others more freely.

I thank You for baby Emmanuelle's life. I love her though she has yet to know me. But I will remind her that I saw her mustard/matcha colour output when she can understand me...

I thank You that You teach me to love my mini-society family in all my heartbreaks...

I thank You for putting all my tears in Your bottle...

I thank You for the body of Christ. Even in our imperfections,help us to imitate You and be of one mind.

Help me to be aware of the idols of my heart.

Help me to be more like You and less like myself.

Help me to endure afflictions and let Your strength be in my weakness.

You increase, I decrease.

Help me not to center on self but on You.

Help me not to be proud but look to You as how You see me.

Help me not to despise small beginnings.

Help me not to look down on all that You have given me.

Help me not to compare myself with any other person, only with myself in the past.

Help me to cast all my anxiety onto You because You care for me.

Help me to eat Your word. Who knows when we cannot have Your word with us anymore?

Help me to draw closer to You, to be even more intentional in my quiet time.

Help me to know that I am made more beautiful in You.

Help me to be worthy of Your calling, to do justly, love mercy and walk humbly with You.

Help me to comfort others with the comfort You have given me.

Help me to turn my eyes on You, today and forever.

Come back, quickly, Jesus!

The whole earth groans for You!

Help me to be longsuffering in waiting for You.

The fight, the race and the faith up till 12 years in Christ

1. And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap IF we do not lose heart. (Galatians 6)

"It is so beautiful to have no regret in my life, Lord!"

Of course there is sadness in how things have evolved, how all of us have changed since 2015 but I praise God that I have no regret in my life.

Last two days of my 12 years in Christ.

I'm glad to be free to reflect on the major lessons learnt from 2015 to 2019.

Last night, my university friend, PX and I sat in McDonald's, reminiscing about the past, about the one and a half years of my family internship.

A life saved, all to the glory of God.

I am merely a facilitator who finally have a chance to change the diapers of Emmanuelle, know the colour of her output as a baby, know her exact weight, height and time of birth, to welcome her out of the womb, to know her even though she doesn't know me.

I'm reminded of Jesus who died for even those who rejected Him, refused to know Him, truly yet to know Him, pierced Him, ridiculed Him etc.

All those who see You ridicule You;

They shoot out the lip, they shake the head, saying,

"He trusted in the LORD, let Him rescue Him;

Let Him deliver Him, since He delights in Him!"

(Psalm 22)

If Jesus can die for those who hated Him, all that I went through cannot be compared to His life sacrifice.

If God our Father can sacrifice His only begotten Son to bring us to His throne, I am in His safe arms.

For all things come from God and of His own I have given to Him and to those around me. 

(1 Chronicles 29)

Even if one day an unsupported pregnancy happens again or again or again in my family, I will do it again as long as I have breath.

If the Lord wills, no abortion will happen in my family!

Reflecting on how when it first started and how I panicked, became angry all the time, became very controlling because I felt everything was out of control.

There were valid concerns of HIV infection for the baby, that baby may be aborted, that baby has no father to be there for her...so unlike all my other 6 nieces and nephews who are in families with a dad and a mum.

I hate political correctness that is merely lies.

A single-parent family is like one arm amputated, leaving the other arm to carry a very vulnerable child.

I love Emmanuelle.

Yet each time when I see her, I'm reminded of her great disadvantage at the starting point of her race in life.

But now I'm reminded that as long as she and her mummy know Jesus, they will have victory in Christ.

Emmanuelle and her mummy have their own journey with Christ, just like me.

So finally, my heart rests in my Lord.

My duty is done, the seed is sown and one day, if the Lord wills, the harvest will come.

Praise God for renewing my mind and cleansing my heart of the idol that is Emmanuelle.

I have not loved a baby so much after Vinnie, my first niece was born.

Before and after Christ, God uses a baby to teach me His many lessons.

Maybe that's why Christmas seems so familiar.

Jesus was born and our lives can never be the same anymore.

All the ends of the world 

Shall remember and turn to the LORD,

And all the families of the nations

Shall worship before You.

For the kingdom is the LORD's,

And He rules over the nations.

(Psalm 22)  

2. To my own Master I stand or fall. (Romans 14)

I am 13 years in Christ on 16 December 2019!

Many times I think I am strange because I don't know anyone who is as crazy as me when it comes to counting down to our years in Christ.

I received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour after a Christmas service in 2006.

I actually wanted to go for baptism soon after, together with some cell members.

I felt uneasy, as if it was peer pressure that made me want to do so.

I was afraid of water baptism because I could not swim then.

I nearly drowned when I was a kid doing hydrotherapy in a community hospital.

I thought baptism is like getting married so how could I say and do my wedding vows so fast leh?

So I was powerfully baptised on 16 December 2007. 

I was buried with Jesus in baptism, in which I also was raised with Him through faith in the working of God, who raised Him from the dead.

And I, being dead in my trespasses and the uncircumcision of my flesh, He has made alive together with Him, having forgiven me all trespasses, having wiped out the handwriting of requirements that was against me, which was contrary to me. And He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.

Having disarmed principalities and powers, He made a public spectacle of them, truimphing over them in it. (Colossians 2)  

From 2006 to late 2014, all I know about Christianity is the walk between God and me. 
I lived in a bubble whereby only God and I existed.

It was in late 2014 that I first knew some friends and more friends in 2015.

I started to be exposed to how culture influences us and how ill-equipped the Church is in having a voice of conscience in our society.

After all that had happened, my heart is still for building a culture of life.

If there is no physical life, there can be no eternal life.

And this is eternal life, that we may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent. (John 17)

I tend to be simplistic/naïve in my view of things and people.

I lead a sheltered life with very little exposure to the world.

The best experience of a little bit of hardship was when I went twice to Orissa, India.

In fact, I want to go again, God willing.

While I am still mobile and full of energy.

I looked up to people who seem more mature in Christ and I guess the idols of my heart are knowledge and the fear of man.

I wanted so much to belong to a group.

As if we who do something are worth something.

I didn't realise how easily we can fall into a trap that says that if you don't do ABC, you are not a "good" Christian.

There is this unspoken criteria of a worthy Christian dictated by man.

John Piper said in his article "Walk worthy of God?",

"NOT: I must have faith and love so as to be worth God's favor; BUT RATHER: God's favor is free and it is infinitely worth trusting. Walking worthy of that favor means walking by faith, because faith is the one thing that agrees with our bankruptcy and God's infinite "worth." Looking to God's infinite worth for our help and satisfaction is "walking worthy of God." "

We must question ourselves if what we do is to please God or man.

Last year, I realised to my horror how we/I have made God so small.

When my mentor shared with me how powerful God is, I was stunned.

What happened to my great God?

He remains the same yesterday, today and forever but I have used a microscope to see God.

My God was made so small because I thought myself too big to take on the world.

There is a great difference between speaking up versus taking over.

How we speak is very important too.

Just recently, I wrote this:

Many times we make the mistake of expecting the world to conform to God's standards when "the natural man does not receive the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; nor can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned."
(1 Corinthians 2)
But when it comes to the household of God, we are lax such that church discipline is unheard of, especially in charismatic churches. It seems easier to blame the world rather than judge ourselves.
"I wrote to you in my epistle not to keep company with sexually immoral people.
Yet I certainly did not mean with the sexually immoral people of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world...
For what have I to do with judging those also who are outside? Do you not judge those who are inside? But those who are outside God judges."
(1 Corinthians 5)
To the household of God,
"In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, when you are gathered together, along with my spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus Christ, deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus."
(1 Corinthians 5)

I still count X as my very good friend who shared with me so many precious insights such that I observed for myself what he shared.

We are to be like the Bereans, receiving the word with all readiness and search the Scriptures daily to find out whether these things were so. (Acts 17) 

I agree or like some of what he shared, not because of any other reason but purely for the content and how it aligns with my journey in Christ, according to God's word.

I may not know a lot about my God but I know a tiny bit of His character.

Even if anyone were to "throw" bible verses at me, trying to say God said this or that, I learn to question it with due respect.  

In the past, I just followed the crowd.

I felt condemned in this recent ordeal.

But I remember that there is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. (Romans 8)

The fear of man nearly "killed" me but the fear of God rescued and healed me.

From X, I learnt to evaluate things on a case-by-case basis.

It is ok to stand alone and not follow the crowd.

After all, we are to enter into the kingdom by the narrow gate.

Wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it.

Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it. (Matthew 7) 

I will test all things; hold fast what is good.

I will abstain from every form of evil.

Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify us completely; and may our whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

He who calls us is faithful, who also will do it.

(2 Thessalonians 5) 

To be in Christ can be no different from being of the world if we are not careful.

We are to be in but not of the world! (John 17)

3. Preach the word! Be ready in season and out of season. Convince, rebuke, exhort, with ALL longsuffering and teaching...be watchful in ALL things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry. (2 Timothy 4)

The urgency to share Christ with others is greater than ever today.

Many times I'm stuck at how people don't want my Lord.

Yet Jesus said that He must work the works of Him who sent Him while it is day; the night is coming when no one can work.

Like Jesus, I will say, "As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world." (John 9)

I desire to be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.

I want to be faithful to teach others too.

I must endure hardship as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.

I who am engaged in warfare will NOT entangle myself with the affairs of this life, that I may please Him who enlisted me as a soldier.

I will compete according to the rules to be crowned.

I will be the hardworking farmer to be the first to partake of the crops.

May the Lord give me understanding in all things. (2 Timothy 2)

I yearn for a fellow labourer-in-Christ, if the Lord wills, to reap the harvest together.

Over the years, as I dig deeper in Christ, my flaws scare me but my God draws me closer into His embrace. His banner over me was and is love. (Song of Solomon 2)

God help me in my next season of life! 

I will fight the good fight, I will finish the race, I will keep the faith!

Giving all my heartfelt thanks to God, my family, the household of God and my friends who individually play a unique role in my journey with God the Father, Jesus Christ the Son and the Holy Spirit who dwells in me.:D