在愁云惨雾中看到生命的价值

在最近的新闻报道中，我读到验尸官判定去年十一月一对母子的双尸案 时，心里感到悲伤。

Nami Ogata患有严重忧郁症。她在住家勒死五岁的大儿子，然后将尸体载到武吉知马自然保护区一个隐秘处，自己则下车走进森林，用刀自尽。

两个星期后，阅读到另一名妇人与她仅五周大的小女儿，在勿洛坠楼身亡，让我加倍感伤。

因为警方还在调查此案，所以还无法确定死亡原因。

读到这两则新闻报道让我迫切地想分享我在低谷，感到极度绝望时，盼望如何寻到我。

有时，当我们以为自己被愁云惨雾缠绕着时，感觉不能走出来。

但如果我们细想，现实可能没有想象中那么残酷。

当至亲的母亲在我19岁时突然逝世，当我在24岁时被诊断出有精神病时，我感到爱与盼望，犹如从我的生命中被掳掠了。

在我出生时，我被诊断出得了脆骨症，是一种主要影响骨骼的遗传性疾病。 它导致骨骼容易骨折。

因此，我易发骨折，需要常住医院。

我在孩童时，在儿童医院住了五年，没有得到家人的深切关爱。

因为住家与医院的距离遥远，母亲只能每星期探望我一次。

父亲因工作，需要去公干，只在每个月探望我一次。

母亲在1994年，当我在考A 水准时，因肾癌逝世。

她嘱咐家人向我隐瞒她的病情，因为她的梦想是看到我上大学，能找到一份工作来养活自己。

她不想我因她的病情而分心。

在她逝世当天，我才知道实情。

一路来，我以为那只是良性肿瘤。

在病床上，她的眼角有泪水，躺在血泊中。

她当时只有49岁。

我想象她在临终前，可能在想着我。我在12 岁出院后，她是我的主要看顾，细心照顾我七年。

我最让她操心，但也常让她感到窝心。

从来没有人告诉我该怎么面对哀思。

我因不知她得了绝症而感到愧疚与悲愤。我深感被家人背叛。

我以为自己不孝，因为在母亲最需要我的时候，我不在她的身边。

为什么她的生命不比国考还要重要呢？

五年后，在我24岁时，我离家出走。当时，父亲已再娶一名年龄比我还小的女子。

我开始恐慌发作，两个星期都没有睡觉，被诊断出得了躁狂抑郁症。

几年后，我吞下半瓶的lithium药丸，企图自杀。

我愚蠢地以为死亡能解决我所有的困难。每天早晨醒来，我质疑活着有何意义与目的。

虽然母亲死后已将近十年，但我始终无法接受她的突然离世。

她曾经是我的世界。她死后，我的世界垮了。

自杀不遂后，我躺在加护病房里，看到家人的眼泪。他们聚集在我的身边。

我恍然觉醒，这条生命不属于自己。

我一心要家人爱我，如同母亲爱我一样。

当他们无法这么做，因为每个人表达爱的方式不一样，我以为他们不爱我。

这让我思索，那些已自杀身亡的人，如果他们在自杀前看见家人的眼泪，是否还会自尽呢？

我们如何帮助家人向忧患者传达这份关爱，尽管家人经常感到无助，也已精疲力尽呢？

在31岁信从主耶稣基督后，我找到了活着的意义与目的。

我领悟到积攒事物不能带给我欢乐，反倒是与周遭的人分享自己所拥有的才让我喜乐。

我在教会生活中找到爱与支持。

在逆境中，我反而倍增力量与盼望，因为现在我明白困境是暂时的，生活历练是永存的。

我也与过去和好，也变得更加有同理心。

我专注过好每一天，不为将来忧虑。这也帮助驱赶消极的念头。

二十年任教生涯，再加上丰富的人生经验，让我能够赋予青少年生命智语，也在他们的生活上给予督导。

每个人在感到迷失时，都需要听劝教。

现在我可以做个有智慧的劝教者。

这些日子，我也更关注自己的脑袋在想什么。

当我感到孤独时，我选择不再重演母亲去世时的情景。

我也选择原谅我的家人，不再生他们的气。

我领悟到我不能操控生命中的每一个环节。

现在我无需做个完美主义者，在简单生活中自得其乐。

我也开始看重别人的生命。

两年前，同父异母，未成年的妹妹怀孕了。我们的家人和孩子的爸爸施加压力，要妹妹去堕胎。

我和妹妹站在同一线上，竭力保住这条小生命。

在朋友和社区义工们的协助与支持下，妹妹勇敢承担为人母的责任。

无论情况如何，每一条生命都是宝贵的。

如今，我期盼自己可以回馈社会。我参与了政府在二月设立的青年心理健康网络。

网络邀请公众集思广益提出改善年轻人心理健康的点子、启动对话，以及发起行动。我希望自己可以做青少年和孩童的学习榜样。

当爱与盼望犹如被掳掠时，我们要牢记，盼望不至于羞耻；因为当我们紧抓住生命时，我们也紧抓住爱的恩赐。

心理健康，人人有责，因为任何人都不能幸免患有精神病。

关于作者：

何丽萍，45，是个私人家教。

英文原稿：

https://www.todayonline.com/commentary/seeing-value-life-even-when-it-seems-filled-gloom-and-doom

Let us not neglect the vital role of fathers in our society

This letter was sent to The Straits Times Forum on 21 June but was not published. 

Every child is a masterpiece of their parents (“Liondads: Chinese father raising mixed-race adopted son, diaspora dad and stepdaddywith teen sons; 20 June).

Dads can be restored to their roles as family heroes: authoritative yet supportive, protective yet loving, always leading the family with humility.

It starts with every dad believing that his worth does not commensurate with the prestige of his job or the salary he commands.

There is an anonymous saying, “A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty.”

All the riches of this world cannot buy family love.

If family is a life priority, how can we strike a balance between family and career aspirations?

Ultimately a career aspiration has to take a second place. No one would remember a worker. But every child would remember a dad who plays with him, a mum who nurtures him.

Strong families form the backbone of a nation.

We have long neglected the vital role of fathers in our society.

We encourage fathers to be hands-on when children are born but we do not involve fathers when a child is deemed “unwanted” in the womb.

When a mother goes for an abortion, we do not promote the value of the family (“Made For Families brand mark aims to assure familiesof government and community support”; 20 June).

A child automatically carries the brand mark: Made For Families.

Let us make Singapore safe for every child.

A stressful pregnancy due to the liberal abortion laws

This letter was sent to The Straits Times Forum on 8 March but was not published.

If my teenage sister had not seen the sonogram of her 9 weeks old daughter or heard the sound of her beating heart in the abortion clinic, I would not have an adorable 15 months old niece now (“Number of abortions down by about half in nearly a decade"; 8 March).

I could have lost my sister too as she entertained thoughts of suicide when the father of their child kept pressurizing her to go for an abortion.

My family members are not for abortion but our laws that allow abortion up to six months of pregnancy, with no minimum age and no need for parental consent, made abortion seem like an easy option.

During this period up till the abortion deadline, people continued to suggest that abortion was the “quick solution” to my sister’s unsupported pregnancy. One of her friends even said she was cruel to bring the child to term, knowing she would not have a father, as her boyfriend had left her following the decision to keep the baby.

I was also asked by her medical social worker on why I was against abortion and assumed to be so because of my religion. Science and technology informed me that this is a child in a mother’s womb, the supposedly safest place for the preborn.

With help from some non-profit organizations like Safe Place and a Christian community, my sister was empowered to be the best mother to my niece.

My sister may have been, by conventional standards, too young to “be a mother”, but no one automatically knows how to be a parent, regardless of age. She became a mother the moment my niece was conceived – and she would forever be a mother who lost a child if she had chosen abortion.

Giving his round-up of this year’s Budget debate in Parliament, Deputy Prime Minister Heng Swee Keat said that the Government has a duty to future Singaporeans who are not yet born and are unable to make their voices heard today.

How can the voices of future Singaporeans be heard if there are so many obstacles to be born?

No child is unwanted

Bangladeshi cleaners Patwari Shamim and Mostafa Kamal must be thanked for saving the life of the abandoned newborn boy (Baby found in rubbish bin: Cleaners thought crying came from toy doll, Jan 11).
If not for their alertness and diligence in tracing the source of the crying, the baby could have been killed. Instead of trash, they found a great treasure: a defenceless baby who should have been loved and protected by his parents.
The exuberance of the cleaners in seeing a life saved is heart-warming, and should encourage Singaporeans to look out for the welfare of others. Singaporeans are also reminded to treasure the foreign workers who work hard to keep the nation clean.
While it saddens me that the baby was abandoned, I am comforted that he is alive and safe.
A woman facing an unsupported pregnancy should be given support and help as early as possible, to ensure that both mother and child are loved and cared for by society. The father should always be included in the process whenever possible.

Original letter:

I wish to express my heartfelt thanks to the Bangladeshi cleaners, 

Mr Patwari Shamim and Mr Mostafa Kamal for saving the life of the abandoned 

newborn boy (“Baby found in rubbish bin: Cleaners thought abandoned child's 

crying was from a toy doll”; 10 Jan).

If not for their alertness and diligence in tracing the source of the baby’s crying, he could have been dumped into the bin centre to be crushed. Instead of trash, they found a great treasure; a defenseless baby who should have been loved and protected by his parents. 
The exuberance of the cleaners in seeing a life saved is heartwarming and should encourage us to look out for the welfare of others. We are also reminded to treasure our foreign workers who work hard to keep our nation clean.
While I am greatly saddened that the baby is abandoned, I am comforted that he is alive and safe. 
The baby could have been crushed in the womb through abortion; unseen, unknown and not allowed to grow to full-term. It is truly a miracle that he was unhurt by any rubbish that could have been thrown down at that time. 
Abortion is child abandonment to the greatest degree. A woman facing an unsupported pregnancy should be given support and help as early as possible, to ensure that both mother and child are loved and cared for by our society. The father should always be included in the help process, whenever possible.
Truly, every child is a blessing and is precious to our nation. 
There is no unwanted child, only challenging circumstances that can be resolved.
https://www.straitstimes.com/forum/excerpts-from-readers-letters-2

An unsupported pregnancy, a family crisis

Edited copy: 

https://thir.st/blog/an-unplanned-pregnancy-a-family-crisis-abortion/

In cases of unsupported pregnancies, we are rightly more concerned about the mother and the child in her womb.

But how does an unsupported pregnancy of an unmarried daughter affect the family dynamics? What if we see an unsupported pregnancy as a family crisis rather than an isolated case of a single mum needing help?

What if there is at least ONE family member who wants to help (be a life supporter) but feels powerless?

When family members see abortion as a legal, easily accessible and fast option, how can we empathize with them and encourage them towards supporting the pregnancy of their loved one?

I was once that helpless family member…

In May 2018, I fell in love with my unborn niece at 9 weeks of gestation the moment I saw her sonogram. My step-sister related to me how her ex-boyfriend brought her, then 19 years old, to the abortion clinic. The ultrasound scan before the abortion saved my niece’s life. My sister courageously chose life and my niece turned one year old last December.

An unsupported pregnancy cannot be viewed as merely the personal crisis of a woman and her child. An unsupported pregnancy is a family crisis because every new life created has a tremendous impact on the whole family, especially when it involves an unmarried daughter.

I promised my sister who was like a stranger to me before her pregnancy that we want the child, even if the father of this baby walks away.  

My elderly father has 8 of us, including 3 step-siblings. I am the youngest in my original family so I do not have much say in family matters. Nonetheless, I was determined to use any influence I have within the family to preserve this life that God has given us (Job 33:4). Only God can take away a life (Deuteronomy 32:39), not man.  

Like many people, my father deemed my sister as too young to be a mother, that the pregnancy would sabotage her future and that the child would grow up without a father. It is interesting that no one would think a teenager too immature to have premarital sex which opens up the possibility to life, besides the grave consequences of being afflicted with sexually transmitted diseases or the psychological, social and spiritual impact of casual sex. 

Erika Bachiochi, Visiting Fellow at the Ethics and Public Policy Center, said: “Sex does not always make babies, but neither does it always make babies exactly according to our plans … sex is a serious enterprise, to be engaged in only by those prepared to become mothers and fathers.”

My sister is a mother the moment my niece is conceived. No one automatically knows how to be a parent, no matter his or her age. Abortion makes my sister the mother of a dead child. It cannot undo the mistake of sexual immorality but will only leave her traumatized that she has killed her own flesh and blood. I have heard too many real-life stories of how abortion harms a woman physically, emotionally and spiritually so I was determined that abortion should not happen in my family.

There was lots of tension and I was angry with all my family members as I see them being so indecisive when it is a matter of life and death for the most vulnerable member of our family. I was at the brink of losing control. I was using my own strength trying to prevent a tragedy but I felt so drained and demoralized. My family members were fully aware that I stand for life because I always post articles on building a culture of life on my social media.

I declared a time-out from everyone, including my sister for 40 days and 40 nights. When I left my sister alone, she was in the early stages of pregnancy during which most people around her offered abortion as the quick “solution”. One of her friends even said that she was cruel to bring the child to term because the child has no father. How can murder ever be a solution to difficult circumstances?

I prayed and dedicated my sister and my niece to God during that period of rest. Through it all, it was like God telling me, “Shhhh, you go away, I take over.” I cried and asked God to preserve the life of this baby, even having a baptized name ready for her when she grows up. I promised God that if after this time-out period and my niece is still in her mummy’s womb, I would continue with my sister in this fight for the basic human right to live, starting from the womb.

In His mercy, God preserved my niece’s life. In Singapore, babies can be aborted up till 6 months of their lives in the womb. The womb is supposed to be the safest place for an unborn child but our liberal abortion law made me fear for my niece’s life until she came out of the womb.

If every family has at least one person who fears God and loves life, abortion would be unthinkable and undesirable. The miracle happened in my family! I thank God for Safe Place and the Christian community who care and provide for my sister and my baby niece.

There was shock, confusion, anger, tension and all sorts of negative emotions in the initial stage when our family first heard the seemingly bad news of an unsupported pregnancy. There was a split among the family members, as if I was left all alone with my sister, even up till the time of delivery. But when our little bundle of joy was unraveled, my whole family loves her. Family reconciliation may not be complete yet but God has not finished His work in my family. 

Shame assailed me when my family issues were first exposed to many mutual friends in the Christian circle. I was busy trying to explain my awkward position in all of this but God has my back. I bear the pain of the cross when I stand for life. I despise the shame of my broken family because Jesus has nailed it to the cross. Now I rejoice with Jesus that a child was born and would one day have a chance to enjoy eternal life with Him.

The first martyrs were male children two years and under, massacred by Herod the king in Bethlehem when he could not kill Jesus, the King of the Jews (Matthew 2:16). Now that Jesus has died and rose again to give us an abundant life, do our children need to be our martyrs? 50 years after the Abortion Bill was passed in Singapore, more than 660,000 babies have been sacrificed at the altars of convenience, ignorance and apathy. Can we afford to close our eyes to such grave injustice?

John the Baptist leaped in Elizabeth’s womb for joy when he met Jesus, the unborn in Mary’s womb (Luke 1:41, 44). The meeting of both unborn babies manifested the divine humanity of every child, from the womb to the grave. Sexual immorality is a sin to be repented of but the fruit of the womb is a blessing in all circumstances (Luke 1:42).

The Church is most qualified to sing the song of hope to every broken family because of Jesus. 

Amy Ford in her article “Unplanned Pregnancies: How should the Church respond?”wrote, “Adopting a proactive, pro-love approach within your church will give you a front-row seat to witness transformed lives and revived hearts. Families restored. Church members more engaged. God can use a baby to help His children better understand His love.”

God used my baby niece to propel my spiritual growth and draw me closer to my family. God can use a baby to transform His Church.

GET HELP

Expectant mothers have the following avenues to seek help:
24-hour Mum-To-Be Helpline: 1800-686-8623
Pregnancy Crisis Service: 6339- 9770
For teenagers facing a pregnancy crisis, they can seek help from the BABES 
24-hour call or SMS helpline: 8111-3535
Safe Place: 6817-4202

Baby is the size of a cherry at 9 weeks pregnant. Your 9-week fetus measures around 2.286cm and weighs about 1.984g