I want to live again!

I broke my own record of telling my family story to people that I'm not that close to.
Means the shame that I felt about my family background has been torn down.
So what if I, at 40 years old, has 3 step-siblings at ages 16, 15 and 5?
So what if they are the age of my nieces and nephews?
Why should I feel the shame when it's not done by me?
What else can I do?
How do I talk sense to my 80 years old father?
So what if I still feel the hurt and cried since the first day of 2016, not taking into account all the tears and hardships that I went through since my early 20s?
So what if I object to any plan he has, with a woman appearing at our family dinner?
Lord, what else can I do?
I don't even know how to pray for him.
I struggled to come to terms with turning 40 last year and well, on 29 January this year, I will be 1 year older than 40.
Everyone, or at least even younger people, even men, struggle with age issues.
And so I'm normal.
It's funny how the feelings we have, we think they are so unique to us but in actual fact, it's universal.
While every case is different, every human is the same with a tinge of difference.
I don't know if I have swung from being very emotional to being hardened.
Flooding emotions drowned me so many times until perhaps, now that I learn to look at facts, perhaps I may not be able to detect the emotions of others as sharply as I want.
Or perhaps I'm just not sharp.
I'm tired, Lord.
Encouraging others do help me to know that I'm not the most pitiable woman.
But I guess I have to rest.
I'm just recovering with lots of uncertainties.
I think too far.
I'm supposed to think of today only.
Lord, I will not react like last time.
My father can do whatever he wants cos he has freewill.
As a sister to my step-siblings, there's a limit to what I can do but I can do something.
The sky looks so bleak, raining every day, as if the warmth of the sun has disappeared.
But every day and night come and go without fail.
I want to see the gems of life.
I want to treasure the treasures You have put in my mind, heart, soul and body.
I want to stop mourning over my own losses or blame anyone.
I want to be like You.
Even when no one's watching, encouraging, appreciating...
As long as my heart beats, it will beat for You.
Come and heal the pain in my heart.
I want to live again!