Blessed 2016 everyone, to me too!
Was like asking God, "Can You let me sleep more?"
Sometimes it works.
But like the morning after caroling at Geylang, certain things just need to be written out before I lose that moment to be able to say it the best.
Just came back from Arise Issachar! Crossover Worldview Camp in JB on New Year's eve.
God can surface a lot of stuff within that 4 days 3 nights.
God can do anything at any time and anywhere but many times, we are not there.
It's a lot of busyness with others this whole December holiday.
I was like, hey, I better catch up with so-and-so before they start school...
I do enjoy every process of interacting with people, though when it comes to expressing myself, I think I come across clearer when I write rather than speak.
I do feel frustrated when I can't express that deepest feelings in face-to-face interactions.
Twice you said that sentence, "You are very beautiful."
First time in whatsapp, second time face-to-face and finally I could understand a little more of what you meant.
Because of what you said, because you are the first one to ever say that to me, your words left a great impact on me.
Yes, I do receive lots of good comments like I'm courageous, inspiring...but I don't think anyone ever told me that I'm beautiful, not to say 'very beautiful'.
I doubted the first time, or rather I cannot understand how I'm beautiful in the physical sense.
You meant it in the physical sense too.
I remembered when I was in my teens, a male nurse actually commented to his colleague in front of me that if I do not have this condition, there would be many people chasing after me.
Words spoken can haunt us for life if we do not realise the potency of it.
Again in teenage years, when friends bypass me while asking everyone what kind of boyfriends they want, I thought I'm not qualified to desire a boyfriend.
As years passed, no one dared to ask me about my relationship status, save for strangers whom I do not want to share with.
Why would I want to share my private stuff with people who just want to satisfy their curiosity but have no intention of staying in my life?
You are the second person to ask me about my love life.
As little as I had, yet the past 5 years was like a counterfeit of what a relationship is like.
We spoke from 1+ to 4+ am in the dark, at that cold dining area, on 30 December 2015.
That was Part 1.
I thought I have finished crying.
I gave myself one month to cry after a 5 years 'relationship'.
I thought, wow, that's impressive. Thank God! I recovered at such an amazing speed.
I won! I could get over him in one month. Well, at least, I did not waste my time moping over a man who doesn't deserve my tears.
I didn't want to get into depression, I didn't want to be weak. I have better things to do. God's Kingdom is at stake. What is my emotions compared to the larger issues in life?
See? I'm an expert in masking myself.
On the surface, I'm this super brave woman inspiring others.
I thought I have stopped being a superwoman after I came to Christ.
Apparently, I still have that side of me.
Since my mum died when I was 19 years old, I was forced to grow up overnight.
If I don't fend for myself, no one will be there for me.
Sounds familiar?
And so I told you how I really felt after that confrontation which he imposed on me.
I was unprepared yet I knew I had to hear him out.
"I have never pursued you."
You are honest, that I know. You are insensitive, that I also know. All I could say was, "You are embarrassing me."
Then you asked, "Even if I have a girlfriend, can't you be my 知己?" Oh, that day then I knew I was a 知己.
Your question woke me up. I thank God that no matter how I felt, I cut that soul tie at that very moment.
You had experiences before. I didn't.
You initiated most of the time, I didn't.
My part in this was, I was the willing party.
I enjoyed the attention given by you. Why wouldn't anyone, man or woman?
My fault was, I did not set the boundary. Neither did you, though I wonder if you ever realize that.
So yes, we were both at fault.
And so friend, I told you about him.
I felt like I could be someone that he shared his emotions with but he never considered me or never dared to.
That was in 2014 but it was only in 2015 that God revealed why he would not be the one.
I'm grateful that it is not him. It wouldn't work out anyway.
So that early morning talk with you helped me to have a better idea of why I felt the things I feel now.
16 years old niece said, "Ah yi, you are so nice but I don't understand why no guys like you. Then what about me?"
I was flattered, amused but ya, I know.
Seems like only women can see the goodness in me. Men, even if they are inspired, unless he's the one that my Lord calls, he won't be able to love me.
In a way, I can see God's shield over me. If it's like what the male nurse said, as if many men would chase me, wouldn't it be worse?
I'm learning to surrender more as I grow older.
And the beauty of surrendering is knowing that no matter who the person I like loves or who loves him, it doesn't matter cos ultimately we know, it's God who decides.
Same for me. God already has a book written about me. Why am I fretting?
On the morning of 31st December, I spoke to you again.
"You are very beautiful..."
I thank you for your kind and honest words.
In the midst of what you are facing, yet you are listening and assuring me.
I believe you cos I believe what God says.
I will praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works and my soul knows that very well.
That very first time you told me that I'm very beautiful, I laid it in my heart and I wrote this to God without thinking.
God, You make me more and more beautiful than I ever know myself!
I told you that was not how I saw myself. In fact, I can only tell God this. I can't even tell anyone that I see myself the way I think others see me, stuck in the physical sense.
I'm just as shallow as anyone. I always see beauty as tall, slim, brains...
I fall short of the world's beauty standards, especially my own standards.
For the very first time, I can actually use the word 'beautiful' to describe myself.
I thought all I can do is to beautify my heart cos I'm not beautiful on the outside.
And I felt so sad and guilty towards my Creator.
Lord, forgive me for despising Your creation!
It is in You that I can finally come to terms with myself.
And I begin to realise all the issues that I face are not unique to people with disabilities.
Everyone faces issues like low self-esteem, rejection, unfulfilled relationships......
I am not immune to universal issues but neither am I having these issues just because I have a disability.
I'm just like you.
You are just like me.
There's no line that divides between the normal you and the 'abnormal' me.
All I need is only physical help that is slightly more than you, just like an elderly who needs mobility aids.
I am beautiful because of You, O Lord!
Jesus has no beauty that we should desire Him.
Yet He is the most desirable Man in this world cos He died for you and me.
If the most desirable Man so desires me that He saved me from the miry clay, set my feet upon a rock and established my steps, am I not beautiful? Am I not desirable to have a Husband like Him?
Year 2016 will be a year of more yielding and surrendering from me to my Abba Father.
For it is in quietness and rest, in confidence and trust that I know how real You are.
So many things unsettled for this year yet I will trust You O Lord!
I will lift my hands to You, not to man but You and You alone.
Your Word will be ingrained in my mind and heart, not the careless words of man.
What are man's words compared to Yours?
Thank You Lord for saving me.
For saving me for greater things in You.
For molding me for greater things.
For letting me know that no matter what lies ahead, You are before me.
You have already prepared in advance what You have in store for me.
All You want is my 100% willingness to cooperate with You.
With Love,
Your very beautiful and precious daughter
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