10th letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

Dearest Emmanuelle, 

how many letters do I have to write before I can see you?

So many people, including I myself have been telling me to let go...

I think I am doing well in terms of coming to terms with maybe not even seeing you for a month or two... 

I haven't seen you on Instagram stories too.

Your mummy said that she has been busy...then when I asked her when is good, again she didn't reply.

It's all about priorities and I get it that I'm not on the list.
I just bumped into a common friend who went out with her and the rest.
God would reveal whatever I need to know.
I just miss you so much.

I know you are just my niece, not my daughter.

As long as you are growing well, I am fine.

Then I see you on 7 Dec.

Just now I met my gf who is like a big sister to me.

I told her of the incident of that 17 years old and she said I tend to take things seriously and personally.

I thought about it and ya, to a certain extent she is right.

I thought we are to be sincere with one another.

Of course I take every relationship seriously.

But I have to accept that not everyone thinks the same.

It is so easy to "con" me because I tend to be too trusting.

I want to be wise as a serpent, harmless as a dove.

I didn't lose anything.

I gained an experience.

I learnt that not all teens are as innocent as the ones I know.

I'm too sheltered.

Yesterday I bumped into the doctor who delivered you at the Fundraising Lunch of Safe Place!

She knows my friend!

Wow, I didn't know that she's a Christian.

Praise God that she was very nice to calmly explain to me when there was a disagreement between her and the anaesthesiologist when your mummy was having induced labour.

Initially it was decided that the doctors could help to sign the papers for epidural for your mummy so your grandpa didn't have to go to the hospital.

But when your mum asked for epidural, the anaesthesiologist refused to administer it without parental consent.
Your mum was below 21.
But hey baby, you know ah, no parental consent is needed for abortion.
There is no age limit.
The youngest to have an abortion in Singapore is 13 years old.
An abortion is a surgery to kill a cutie like you. :(
Mummy was in such great pain and she begged me to call grandpa.

I cried because it must have been so painful that mummy had to beg me. 

Of course I quickly called him.

The doctors were shocked by our emotional outburst.

When I was waiting for your grandpa, then the doctor called to say that they would sign the papers but grandpa was already on his way.

I was really upset.

Because your grandpa came and said his usual mantra that really irritated me. 

I didn't sleep the whole night!

That's why it's so hard to communicate with your grandpa.

I'm the kind who finds it hard to "one ear in, one ear out".

I just kept quiet.

As long as your mum got her epidural.

The doctor's patience calmed me.

I also didn't want to pursue the matter.

I just said that the disagreement between you guys made things difficult for the patient and the family.

So baby, see?

It's not easy to have you for 9 months and to give birth to you.

I told my friend that I'm like a surrogate dad.

I was there for your birth.

I know your vital statistics.

How can I not be sad that I'm left out of your life?

But this is temporary.

I believe God will make all things beautiful in His time.

I long for the days when I can see you freely.

You are in good hands and that's all that matters.

Sorry that I cannot let you and mummy stay with me.

I cannot handle such a responsibility at this point in life.

I hardly know your mum.

I have my own load to carry.

When you are older, it would be easier for me to help to take care of you.

If the Lord wills, I can teach you... 

We wait ok?

Wait for me.

I love you, Emmanuelle.

9th letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

My dearest Emmanuelle,

last Sunday I texted your mummy if she wanted to come out with you. 

I can even travel all the way to meet you gals.

She didn't reply. I also didn't bother to ask her anymore.

What's the point?

How can I keep chasing for a response?

How can I force anyone to be close to me?

No one can do that to me too.

It is nearly 1 and a half years since you were conceived and I reached out to her.

Now I understand a little bit of how it must be heartbreaking for God to send Jesus to die on the cross for even those who may never receive Him.

Your mummy and I were like strangers before your conception.

I am closer to my 3 elder sisters (your three older aunts) because we have the same Mummy.

They have loved me since I was a baby.

I just honored your aunts publicly on Sunday and thought I want to continue to build the relationship with your mummy and you, of course.

You and mummy are our family's lost babes.

I can understand a bit of how your mummy must feel, as if being abandoned by the family.

I have done my best in trying to bridge the gap.

I have come to realize that it's alright that each one of us needs time to come back to the family.

Didn't I take more than a decade?

I need to be patient with others just as others have been patient with me.

So unless your mummy wants to come forward, I guess I can only see you on your 1st birthday celebration on 7 December.

I think I will cry when I see you.

It's like you are so near and yet so far.

I told God I want to stop mourning over the losses.

I cannot keep on like this.

I want to lead my own life with God.

The best thing I have done was to dedicate you and mummy to God.

Wherever you gals are, God is with you.

During the time-out period, I thought as long as you are alive, even if you are not close to us, I am contented.

That's love.

Love does not mean possessing that person but wishing that person well.

Is that how God loves us?

I love you, baby.

One day you will know your roots and know Jesus.

All of us are accountable to Him so I refuse to be afraid of what people will say about me, about our family.

Now I only have gratitude to God for putting me in this family.

I am the peacemaker of our family.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. (Matthew 5:9) 

The harvest is in our family.

I pray for more labourers.

Love you, my darling.

You are in His safe arms.

He loves you and mummy much more than I can ever do so.

8th letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

Hey happy baby,

Sometimes I wonder if I should continue writing to you.
When will you understand what I'm writing?
Last Friday I went to a new cell group and it was so unbearable that I wanted to leave as soon as I came.
I guess I cannot gel with people who talk about God as if He is a fairy tale and not real to our lives.
They did not have the normal cell discussion.
A member was sharing about what she studied in a bible school and the topic for her assignment was "Is God racist or hospitable?"
I nearly fainted.
Is this even worth a debate?
The answers that she gave actually answered the question that I said should be reframed as "Are we racist or hospitable?
Apologetics has its place.
Maybe I wasn't in a mood for such stuff now or maybe I had too much of this in the past.
Now I just want to apply what I have learnt to my life and the lives of others.
I really don't care if you are a bible scholar or whatever.
There's a great difference between knowing about God vs knowing God.
I don't want to waste a second of my life speculating about the God I love while busy covering myself with fig leaves.
Let's start being serious about life, ya?
So yesterday I went back to my old cell group where there is plenty of kids and lots of love.
I have been there for 8 years.
Does going to another church means I shouldn't stay in the old cell group?
They are always welcoming me.
It is I who don't know if I should continue to stay in my comfort zone.
I met baby Hannah, 2 months old.
Her mummy just let me carry her baby without me asking.
So I was rewarded with the fresh memory of you in my arms at 2 months old.
Aiyo so cute. She is also fat fat and she was delivered naturally within 2 hours.
She was 3kg then. Now she is 5kg.
Wa, fatfat, you took us a whole day and more ok.
I scold you when you can understand me haha.
Though it's not your fault la.
Then I met a 2+ years old gal.
Wow, she is quite playful. She "spat" at me, thinking she was playing with me.
I was amused and helpless ;O
But if it's you, ahhhhh, you don't know that I'm fierce.
I don't know why people think I'm fierce.
Haha, maybe I am...
So I saw "you" in the past, I saw "you" in the near future.
I just watched a video about Lina Ng who had her premature son at nearly 1kg, the size of her palm at 8 months of gestation.
Wow, thank God you were fatfat and are still fat. Haha.
2 days of special care is nothing compared to 2 months in NICU.
Mothers are really amazing ah.
Of course no fathers, then no cuties like you.
I like to tell people, if only the husband can give birth too.
Then can be fruitful and multiply by taking turns to give birth, good right?
Ok, people laughed at me :(
It's a good idea, my child.
But God has His purpose for why only women have this privilege.
Though I'm not a biological mum, I have maternal instinct too.
See, I'm blessed with the 7 of you, especially you, our youngest and most vulnerable babe.
Oh, you are actually a toddler now, no longer a baby lor.
May you be wise as a serpent, harmless as a dove.
May you always have a childlike faith.
Don't lose that purity in you.
Behold the God you will grow to love.
December is coming.
I love December.
The month of your birth, the month of my rebirth.
Grow well, toddler Emmanuelle...

7th letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

Hello baby Emmanuelle,

Two days ago, I saw on Mummy's Instagram video that you can now walk with a baby walker!

10 months old and already walking!

Big baby's development is faster?!

Mummy sounded so excited and my heart is full, watching you so happy that you can stand on your  feet now!

What a relief it will be on Mummy because my dear fatfat, you are heavy!

I can't really carry you now.

Sometimes I miss the days when you were a newborn or a few months old and I could easily carry you in my bosom.

But let's learn how to hug ok?

When I meet you again, I will demonstrate to you.

Yesterday I finally went for the Wed prayer meeting after not going for a month.

It's actually once a fortnight.

Sometimes I find it hard to pray as a group but the two times I missed, I guess I felt I needed to get right with God first before I can intercede/pray for our nation.

Yesterday, we were blessed with apple pie made by a friend who came back from Israel.

A dessert after a prayer meeting made the heart sweeter.

Though there are many things that are not set right now, but I believe God has His timing.

When I left home at 24 years old, it was to escape a scene that recurred every day.

Your maternal grandmother, heavily pregnant with your mama, sat on the sofa with your grandfather in the living room.

My mother's tablet was there and I came home after work to face this scenario daily.

I started to go home late every night.

I contemplated packing my bag and never go back home again.

One day, something triggered and I left home for work and never went back again.

I used to scream at the mention of the word "father" when I was in the hospital.

I used to hate your grandfather.

Not so much of the things he did but more of the things he did not do.

I always felt like I came from a single-parent family.

I have an absent father.

So I can understand how your mama feels or even how you would feel as you grow.

Which is worse?

To have an emotionally absent father or a physically absent father?

I think both are just as bad.

But baby Emmanuelle, I want to tell you that we have an Abba Father who knows exactly how we feel, how we struggle and how we need His love.

Your grandfather, who is my father, does not have a father who loves him.

Though I have never asked him, but I only know he has a strong-willed mother?

I can't remember.

I was very young then.

So now I only have pity for my father.

He doesn't even want to know God.

So he does not get to experience the love of our Abba Father.

How do I introduce a godly father to him?

How to find someone who can talk to an 80+ man?

Will it be too late for him?

I pray that God will tell me or show me what to do.

So 19 years later after I left home because of your mama in your grandma's womb, I sort of come back to the family again.

Because of you in your mama's womb.

I left home because I couldn't imagine having to take care of young children from my old dad.

He was 60+ years old then.

Who would have babies at this age?

Well, Abraham had Sarah with him when he had Isaac.

But my dad, as I could already foreseen then, I just know their marriage wouldn't last.

Now I became involved again because you came into our family.

Now I can no longer run away because I am a child of God.

I left because of a child.

I came back because of a child too.

How humorous is our Abba Father.

How He gave me this heart for children when I used to "hate" children.

Children are so blunt in their words and they laugh in my face because I have the height of a child but the face, mind, heart and body of an adult.

I struggled so much with all these worldly views.

Until I learn to deal with it better in His ways.

So you my baby, like all your cousins, you would be nicer to people who look a little different.

After all, aren't we all different?

Your cousin, V used to say that if I grow taller, she won't be able to recognise me.

God used you, baby Emmanuelle, to bring us together as a family.

Not there yet but slowly, we are building again.

Love you, our happy baby.

Can't wait to see you again...

6th letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

My beloved fatfat,

Haha, can I call you this before you start understanding its meaning and may feel sad upon hearing me call you by this endearment? ;p
Wow, yesterday a Pastor from Emmanuel Assembly of God came to preach in church.
Emmanuel. God with us.
He preached about a wedding.
He spoke about miracles.
And guess what?
On Saturday night, I wrote to God, "Where's the miracle? Where's the impossible become possible?"
I felt like God was rebuking me in the Pastor's sharing the very next day!
I went for the altar call.
Ah Yi always thought that I'm a silly woman.
I'm a determined woman.
I'm a woman who is trying to understand my own faith.
But we walk by faith and not by sight.
Can I see and understand faith?
By faith, you were born.
I know all your vital statistics.
You were born on 9 December 2018, at 7:11am, weighed 3.668kg and was 53cm tall, delivered via C-section.
Mummy was admitted on Fri, 7 Dec.
You became too big so the doctor wanted to induce labour.
Mummy had been really well-fed such that you become our fatfat.
Many things happened during your birth.
But God is so good.
Perhaps I won't have the chance to be a biological mum so God let me go into the labour ward with your mama.
It was a tiring night as I tried to sleep in the chair.
I heard your heartbeat, loud and clear.
Your heart beat faster than that of an adult.
I couldn't wait to meet you face-to-face.
Your mummy and I have been imagining how you would look like.
Your mummy was in great pain even after the epidural.
The doctor wanted to try natural birth since mummy is so young.
I never knew that the doctor measures the dilation of the cervix by inserting her fingers inside.
I thought they use a ruler haha.
But it makes sense.
Compared to an equipment used during an abortion, our fingers are not damaging to our bodies.
I had to ask mummy to "Jia you, Jia you" when she was trying to push you out.
I think I was really traumatised by the whole ordeal.
Now I understand why there should be a husband in the labour ward.
A woman cannot bear to see another woman going through the labour.
We have the same reproductive organs!
When mummy was in pain, I felt the pain too.
Not physically but psychologically.
I wouldn't want to be in a labour ward with anyone anymore, unless I'm called to.
It is too much for my heart.
I saw the crown of your head.
The doctor used suction but you couldn't come out.
And so mummy went for C-section.
I waited outside the operating theatre.
There was code red sign.
I didn't know how many babies were in the theatre.
I just cried and prayed that you would be safely delivered.
The doctor looked like he had much to say.
You were in special care for two days.
They said you didn't breathe/cry when you were born.
Perhaps you were traumatised during the long labour process.
But Jesus heard my prayer.
You, our darling fatfat, is destined to be born into our family.
The evil one has no hold over you because I am my Father's child.
So Emmanuelle, see how God has been with us?
See how powerful one person's prayer is for the whole family?
There is much to say about your birth.
"If you then being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven, give good things to those who ask Him!"
(Matthew 7:11)
I asked for you to be born into our family and God graciously gave you to us.
A wanted child, a beloved child. A child with a destiny in Christ.
You will grow up to be a woman after God's heart.
You are our second generation of Christians, bringing many of our family members to Christ.
You can, You will, because God can, God will, God loves.
Love you, fatfat.