I have a destiny!

Yesterday this happened:

Uncle Stranger was sitting up there. He was with the worker who helps him with his car. Worker called me as I rushed by. I saw Uncle passed $10 note to worker. And so I flew away. Torn between being a little upset n amused. If I was not rushing, if uncle was not up there, perhaps I would have talked to him...after I'm prepared by God...

In the train, tears welled up and I prayed in the spirit, trying to grab a hold on my emotions. I was on the way to a friend's book event and I certainly do not want to go there in this state. Was thinking if I should just go home, cry and seek God's comfort. Running away always seems to be the more attractive option, not just for myself but for practically anyone. Then covering up is the next step, which we are all good at.

When Adam and Eve disobeyed God, they made coverings for themselves to cover their shame. Then they hid themselves from their Creator. (Genesis 3) 

This is not the first time money has been offered to me simply because I'm on a wheelchair. There was one case of the person 'throwing' $4 on my lap for lunch and he ran off...but each time it happens, guess I felt humiliated. 

I understand the well intentions of people but I bemoan the lack of knowledge or even the eagerness to know about another person before we do anything. True that there are people with disabilities who do ask for money but that doesn't mean it's the same for everyone. Come and talk to me and I will tell you if I need your money. 

I asked myself if it's about my pride but seriously, something is wrong when assumptions are made and a behaviour is manifested. I cannot control the behaviour of others but I definitely can choose how I respond in spite of how I feel.

And the idea of talking to the next person who offers me money never crossed my mind until yesterday and it's an idea that needs God's courage to execute. I'm not going to tell that person off. I simply want to share my perspective, my story and my God, if he is prepared to listen. I have never thought of this before. Remember, I excel in running away? So who gave me that idea of staying put and learning to overcome my struggles with God, myself and a stranger? 

I remember telling my niece that like her, I struggle with self-image. I don't like to see myself in a video because I actually can see myself as compared to being myself. Being myself, I don't see any difference between others and me. In the video, I can see how I look rather different from others though I am still myself. It's totally self-deceiving not to accept myself as portrayed in the video because what others see has always been me.

God does not allow us to sweep things under the carpet. The more things hidden within, the more He would take out the whole carpet and let us see the dust and dirt that is hidden deep in the heart, to be recognized for what it is, to be cleaned up. It's a shocking and painful process, this unraveling. 

And so when I went to the book event, verses about we being made in God's image, about truth, identity and love, everything that is spoken about God just pierce me through and through once again. It's as if God was reminding me, "You are very special to me. You don't need to bother about how people or even you yourself think about you."

We want to be accepted, loved and treasured for what we are. But what are we?
Before I received Christ, I used to think that I am what people see or say about me.
After I allowed God into my life, I learn to cling on to what God has said. I am made in His image. How can I despise how He has made me? If I can't even look at myself, how can I look at God, call Him my Creator and my King?

Firstly, I have to get right with Him. I have to see myself in His light. Something is wrong when I allow myself to be affected by anyone's look, comment or behaviour about me over something that I have no control of. In fact, isn't it awesome that it's God who controls the very thing that we have no control of? Now I would have freedom being myself without the need of plastic surgery etc to change the original me because I accept that He created me for His special purpose. 

I look back and see my own timeline. I saw me struggling very hard with identity, truth and love without God and I fell into the deep valley that unless I bounce up, I would remain in the valley, 'dead'.

I see myself now, struggling again with the same issues, thankfully with God in me, through me and with me, a little lost now and then, sometimes longing to hide myself in the cave to lick my wounds but the Healer in me draws me away from my man-made coverings and cave. And it gets easier to obey Him once I start to obey. The beautiful thing is He sends like-minded people who hold us all together, in this family of Christ. Honesty begets honesty and truly in Christ, there's nothing to hide for what I don't say is not what you haven't experienced so why not share and edify one another?

Where do I see myself going? Yesterday I asked Him and I can literally sense that I am walking into what He has planned for me. I'm walking into my destiny. And that means always looking outwards, not inwards. It's too easy for each one of us to wallow in self-pity, always seeing our own struggles and saying things like, "I'm struggling with my life. How can I help others when I can't even help myself? I'm not equipped...what can I as one person do?"

Our struggles do not stop the moment we help others. We cannot predict what will come but we have the present to give. The moment I look out for others is the moment I actually am set free from the bondage to my own problems. My problems don't cease. They just become smaller and smaller compared to how big I make my God to be. And my God is unimaginably BIG!

Equipped? As long as we are willing to learn and come with the right attitude, will God not equip us Himself and by using His people?

I see people wasting their lives away because they refuse to let go of self and embrace the greatest gift of God Himself. And by this, I include those who claim to follow Christ but still follow self.

Only ONE King sitting on the throne of our heart. God or self.

You are CHOSEN!

You are CHOSEN, not a random figure!

The Lord said, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
And before you were born I consecrated you...(Jeremiah 1:5)

Our Father CHOSE us in Him before the foundation of the world that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love...

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.
(Ephesians 1,2)

Jesus said, "...I chose you...go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain... " (John 15:16)

Don't 'try', just DO!

Set ground rules with new P3 gal.

What's the difference between
'Try to do homework by myself' vs 'Do homework by myself'?

Gal: 'Try' means don't know how to do then don't do...

All my kids are really smart!:D

So stop using the word 'try'.

It's a stumbling block.

Just DO it!

And so I am cool and cute...

Niece: My friends said that you are cool and cute!

Me : (Hmmm....these two adjectives seem to contradict each other...Me cool? My first time being associated with this adjective...)

Niece: They say so good that I'm close to my aunt cos many are not...

Me : Haha, now you know that you are very blessed...
Niece: You are also very blessed to have me...

Yeah, you are that miracle of life that woke me up to the great responsibility of being an aunt, that I cannot be so reckless with my life anymore......

Go sit in silence

To sit in silence and hear one's heartbeat is a little scary.
It's like someone searching my heart and asking what it's been feeling, whether it still beats passionately with concern for the lives of others, even strangers. 
It tells me, "Time is not a luxury. 
It is very necessary to do spot check all the time else it dies a slow death psychologically."

Would you slow down and sit in silence?
Be of courage.
It's going to change the way you live your life, even to the extent of saving it.

The original and the fake

The real and the mimic. 
You want to call it the same name cos it's recognised, reliable and well-established. 
You attempt to fool others into believing that it tastes the same and has the same satisfaction as the original but it's too far from it.
You try so hard to copy such that you lower your price and alter the taste. 
You are altogether another thing no matter how hard you try to mimic the authentic one.
Just like marriage, same-sex 'marriage' does not exist so quit trying to mimic.

God, You can do everything

For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it already. (Psalm 139)
I'm always 'arguing' with God in my thoughts and they trailed off cos I actually wanted to curtail them because subconsciously I know that God would make it come true...

Yesterday I was thinking, "God, I think this cannot work unless...(...appears in my dream). The latter part was trailing off and of cos I happily assumed that I didn't pray anything to that effect.
And so I woke up this morning with a dream that I thought I didn't pray for and it happened the way God wants it to be.
Thinking is like praying!
Oh no, what am I supposed to think now?
Think God's will!
Even if I don't, I can't stop what He is planning.
Like Job, I can only say,
"I know that You can do everything,
And that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You." (Job 42)

Marriage should support kids' well-being

Marriage is a social good (“Concept of marriage has evolved over time” by Ms Angeline Wong Hui Wei; last Thursday). 

It is the foundation of a strong society, promoting wealth and prosperity, while shaping the next generation by inculcating the right values in children. It creates an environment where children are protected, loved and nurtured.  It is in the interest of both government and society to promote it. 

Married couples who cannot have children suffer much anguish and private pain as they constantly experience infertility as an inability to fulfil a basic aspect of marriage. Their relationship is ordered towards having children, even if it is frustrated and kept from this fulfillment.

As emphasised by Mr Darius Lee in his letter last Wednesday (“Marriage should be reinforced, not redefined”), the Government recognises the pre-political institution of marriage not because it is interested in the romantic relationships of adults, but to support the right of every child to be raised by a father and a mother wherever possible. 

Unedited copy

I refer to the article "Concept of marriage has evolved over time", 9 July.

Marriage is a social good. It is the foundation of a strong society, promoting wealth and prosperity, while shaping the next generation by inculcating the right values in children. It creates an environment where children are protected, loved and nurtured.  It is in the interest of both government and society to promote it.

Married couples who cannot have children suffer much anguish and private pain as they constantly experience infertility as an inability to fulfill a basic aspect of marriage. Their relationship is ordered towards having children, even if it is frustrated and kept from this fulfillment.

For those who are voluntarily sterile, it is an intentional avoidance of that fulfillment.

Not every couple has children but every child has a father and a mother. 

In contrast, physical sterility is the natural order for homosexual couples, and is dictated by their sexual proclivities, which are in direct conflict with the possibility of natural procreation.

As emphasized by Mr Lee in his letter (Marriage should be reinforced, not redefined, 8 July), the government recognizes the pre-political institution of marriage not because it is interested in the romantic relationships of adults, but to support the right of every child to be raised by a father and a mother wherever possible.

If the concept of marriage is artificial and changes over time as Ms Wong claimed, why is she questioning about the barrier to same-sex 'marriage'?

If marriage is not a universal concept, what makes the concept of love universal? By Ms Wong's definition, there is no fixed concept, but every word and concept change according to one's mood and liking.

However, facts cannot be evolved.

In the submissions to US Supreme Court by four adult children raised by homosexual parents to oppose the legalization of same-sex 'marriage', one adult recounted how she was exposed to overt sexual activities like sodomy, nudity, pornography, group sex, sadomasochism and the ilk. The adults suffered sexual abuse from their parents and their homosexual partners, were subjected to sexual or gender confusion, being forced to approve certain sexual lifestyles, were exposed to pathogens due to their parents' promiscuity and saw the mental anguish, psychological impact and physical health risks of their multiple parents among the adverse effects of homosexuality.

Same sex 'marriage' treat children like traded commodities, purposely depriving them of their biological mother/ and or biological father and roots of origin. Children lose forever knowing and relating to their natural mom and/or dad. Children's identity and security are robbed forever.

God's specialization

God specializes in assigning us the very tasks that seemed impossible and super painful during the time when it was most painful and yet we stuck our neck out and persevered cos of obedience to Him. The very thing that I wished I didn't have to do, ok, He has already specifically put my name to it.

Today, I thank Him. I chose His way, His grace and His love above man's and I'm ecstatic cos I pulled through, am even better than 1 year ago and I know He is pleased.

1. Don't run away from the person who seemed to have hurt you a lot (It's two-way, admit it or not).

2. The process is extremely painful, so painful that the immediate reaction is really to run away from that person BUT once it becomes a habit, we will be running away from people ALL the time, as soon as we feel hurt.

3. Stay there and let God do the healing, even if it takes much time. You will be totally surprised at how fast God heals, that is, if you allow Him to do that. Be accountable to God's family who will be very quick to point out our residual grudges/attitudes/actions towards that person. 

4. It is so much easier to run away than to face the person and go through everything with great humility, yes even 'humiliation', seemingly unceasing pain and unending effort. Yet the place where we fall is the place where we learn more. The skin has to be thick. Anyway, to follow Christ, we need the skin of an elephant, as someone said to me... 

5. Because of Him, I stayed. Because of Him, I need to obey. I thought it's because of Jesus. Then I realized that He said it's for me that I stayed. It's for me that I must go through this. It's for my good cos if I had run away, I would not have victory over the very place that I fell, over the very weakness that I have. It's not about the other person. It's God dealing with me for my good.

Finally I am tasting the fruit of NOT running away. 

God's way, ALWAYS the best way!

Dr God-sent

Doctors are so part of my life, from birth till adulthood.
Always thought they would just mend my legs, never thought that my mind would need mending too.
Depression is nothing new and I am always prepared that either one day someone would just spill this out or I would not hesitate to admit that I had depression before as I believe that God has healed me, even though I still need to take 2 tablets for stabilisation.
If I were to admit this in public, it would be for God's glory and purpose.
I want people who feel trapped or feel stigmatized by any mental illness to know that they can be healed.
It is a choice.
More than a decade ago, after I left the house, I cried in the office every day.
I had the best colleagues in National Council of Social Service (NCSS) who treated me with such tender love and care.
P, R, like big sister and big brother to me, a graduate, a newbie in the workplace.
P brought me to Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH) where I met Dr K, a psychiatrist.
I felt very sad that I had to see a psychiatrist.
Told Dr K that I used to be a bubbly girl and he being Mr Joker, joked that he would blow bubbles with me.
I was like, am I seeing Dr quack?
He was very patient and gentle, willing to listen to my life story.
I babbled on and on, was warded in TTSH, had panic attacks so real that each time I felt like I was dying.
I literally couldn't breathe until Dr taught me how to blow into the paper bag or slow down my breathing.
When I was down, I couldn't eat or sleep for two weeks and tears was my food.
When I was high, I need not sleep and was full of energy though my body was breaking down.
I had hallucinations, was put on different medication, got into trouble and was sent to Institute of Mental Health (IMH) where I met people who were really off and I knew that I still have some sanity.
To get out of IMH, I said what the doctors wanted me to say; that they were all hallucinations though to me, they were so real.
I lost some memory of what exactly transpired at that time, lost a dear friend, and another that I thought was a friend.
I lost all those precious years of my life, checking myself in and out of TTSH because when I was in hospital, everyone was concerned about me and treated me like a princess.
Once I was discharged, I was left to fend for myself.
If IMH is hell, TTSH is heaven cos I always went down to Starbucks to chat with my friends.
I had freedom to roam around but in IMH, I was locked up with the others, had to do common activities with the others.
And so I resolved to behave myself especially in public cos I have a record and anyone could send me there if I create a din.
For years, the humiliation of having this condition called Bipolar disorder stuck with me until I came to Christ.
Having Dr K as my doctor was God's gift to me.
He never looked down on me nor show anger to my insolence.
He always joked or maybe he meant it, haha, that I was his smartest patient, like how he introduced me to his family members yesterday.
Years later when I excitedly told him that I became a Christian did he admit that he is also a Christian!
Finally I understood the hand of God in bringing me to Him all this while.
In my memory, I thought He saw me at age seven.
Psalm 139 said that He already has a book for my life even before I was born.
When I was down in the valley, He sent Dr K, His gentle hand to bring me back to sanity, to His loving arms, such that the rebellious and self-righteous me cannot help but be tamed by the Holy Spirit.
Mental illness, Bipolar disorder?
I told Dr that I'm so intelligent (as in I am a graduate with a certain intelligence right?), why do I have such a condition?
As if having a physical disability is not enough, as if losing my mum, my career, my friends, my home etc are not enough, I have to have this condition.
Did I bring this upon myself or did circumstances make me become like this?
I bought books, searched articles to know about this condition, I wanted to know the prognosis BUT...
You know what?
God knows my future.
After I received Christ, I never had a relapse.
I learnt to take care of myself, make sure I sleep well, not overstressed...
I turn to God.
Sometimes I don't know if I'm hearing God or if I can sense His physical presence but His word always comforts me, always let me know that He is near.
He says, "Draw close to me and I will draw close to you."
His word is my plumb line.
He helps me to literally take captive of all my thoughts to the obedience of Christ.
Some people are afraid of being found out that they have a mental condition.
They live in fear.
No, God's people do not have the spirit of fear but the spirit of power, love and a sound mind.
Just like friends who told me their past before they received Christ, honestly I may feel overwhelmed, shocked and sometimes at a loss as to what to do.
But should I look at them differently and judge them to be unworthy to be someone that I associate with, God will judge me.
They have settled their issues with God.
Who am I to look at them as if I am god?
What counts is the life they are leading now and the fruit they bring to Christ.
I am in Christ now, never wanting to go back.
I want to fight the good fight of faith.
My story is His story.
I have no story without Him.
To finally look back and realize how God used and is still using every experience of my life to mold me into the vessel He wants me to be, even to lose a little face here and there, I have not come to shedding blood.
5 months and 6 days to 9 years in Christ, I want to treasure every day with You, Lord.

God's heart be my heart

It is in times like this that I am beginning to realize some of the things that we take for granted.
-One man one woman marriage that is sacred, not easy to sustain yet beautiful in its flaws. 
There is no perfect family so who gives the unnatural 'family' the audacity to claim that it will attempt perfection for children and for our society?
No copy of the original will be able to replace it. 
Who wants a fake diamond when the real one is always there? 
You treasure that fake diamond as the real one.

-Each life is precious. 
A life is not precious because it is big, strong, healthy and can contribute to our society. 
All lives start from being unborn (a fertilized egg) and could end at being frail and weak after contributing years of his life to the community. 
Even someone who cannot talk or take care of himself, he is someone's beloved son, brother, uncle, father or grandfather. 
Who are we to decide the life and death of a life given? 
You want that to happen to you?
-Everyone deserves more than a second chance. 
We are ever quick to point the fingers at others' mistakes, magnifying people's mistakes at their expense UNTIL it happens to us. 
Do to others what we want others to do to us. 
Ex-convicts? 
So what? 
You never made a mistake before? 
I tell you, they are more humble and willing to learn than any of us!
-The poor and the lame. 
Handicap defines a person, disability defines an action. 
You wear spectacles? 
Your eyes are unable to see far so you need the help of spectacles. 
You can't walk far or can't walk, you use a wheelchair. 
You have difficulty in making ends meet. 
You just need to either get a skill or find another way to make a living.
The truly poor and lame are those who are able-bodied but CHOOSE to lament, complain, talk non-stop but don't want to lift a finger to help self or others.
Poverty and health are more than skin deep.

Maximize our potential

Stepped into the house.
K2 sibling: Eldest sis (P3) prayed to God for rain so that you cannot come.
Amused but heart sank a little.
Her mum spoke to her while I taught the P1 gal who is very different. She wants to learn.

P3 gal said sorry the moment she came in for lesson. She prayed for God's forgiveness after we processed everything.
Told her that we are to always pray for the good of others.
As a student, she brings glory to God by doing her best in what God has assigned for her.
Fished out my water bottle. Do we fill it to the brim or the minimum?
Why do people not fill it to the brim, as in maximize our potential?
Gal: I'm not thirsty enough.
Bingo!
We are not thirsty enough for His living water.
We are not desperate enough in our circumstances to rise up for Christ.
We don't love Him enough to say no to self.
Fill it to the brim.

We stand in the gap

Yesterday during worship, I prayed that every member in the cell would experience what it's like to have our hearts broken for what break our Lord's heart.
It's grieving for the sufferings of others, nothing to do with our own circumstances at that point of time.
It's totally not pleasant but necessary.

I remember when I first felt grieved because of others, I'm like,
"God, I think I have enough grief in my life...Why do I need to take this?"
Then I realize that it's a privilege to share His burden for this lost world.
I truly believe we are blessed not for ourselves but for others.
One of my favourite song.
Worship unto God is believe, proclaim and obey.
We want to run to the altar
and catch the fire
To stand in the gap
between the living and the dead
Give us a heart of compassion
for a world without vision
We will make a difference
bringing hope to our land

Don't promote death as the solution

I was aggrieved to read the letter by Dr George Wong Seow Choon (“Time to talk about new laws on dying”; last Friday).
I lost my mother to cancer when I was 19 years old.
She and I were very close. 
I was the youngest child and was born with brittle bones. 
My mother was not equipped to care for a child with special needs but she gave me the gift of life and her love.
Her ambition was for me to finish my university studies, get a job and support myself. 
She kept her illness from me, as I was taking my A levels then.  
The day before she died, she held my hands and looked at me as if she could not bear for me to go home.  
Would my mother have wanted her life to be shortened by doctors? 
No; she wanted to live, and wanted to see her ambition for me come true.  
I went through unresolved grief for over a decade because I was not aware of her illness and could not be with her when she most needed me.
The fact that she died naturally helped me in the grieving process. 
I would have been further devastated had any doctor intervened in this natural process of dying.
Any procedure to shorten anyone’s life, no matter the intention, is murder.  
A doctor’s job is to heal, not kill.  
Doctors who want to help patients end their lives are overstepping the boundary, especially when patients and family members may not be in a good physical, mental or financial state to make a decision.  
While it is painful to see our loved ones in pain, we should not promote the culture of death as the solution.
How do we prevent the abuse of euthanasia? 
How do we assess the intentions of family members who request assisted suicide for the dying? 
Who speaks for the right to live of those who are unconscious?
What the dying need is the love and comfort of their family members, and the best medical care to enable them to live with hope and dignity until they pass on.
http://www.straitstimes.com/forum/letters-in-print/dont-promote-death-as-the-solution