I have a destiny!

Yesterday this happened:

Uncle Stranger was sitting up there. He was with the worker who helps him with his car. Worker called me as I rushed by. I saw Uncle passed $10 note to worker. And so I flew away. Torn between being a little upset n amused. If I was not rushing, if uncle was not up there, perhaps I would have talked to him...after I'm prepared by God...

In the train, tears welled up and I prayed in the spirit, trying to grab a hold on my emotions. I was on the way to a friend's book event and I certainly do not want to go there in this state. Was thinking if I should just go home, cry and seek God's comfort. Running away always seems to be the more attractive option, not just for myself but for practically anyone. Then covering up is the next step, which we are all good at.

When Adam and Eve disobeyed God, they made coverings for themselves to cover their shame. Then they hid themselves from their Creator. (Genesis 3) 

This is not the first time money has been offered to me simply because I'm on a wheelchair. There was one case of the person 'throwing' $4 on my lap for lunch and he ran off...but each time it happens, guess I felt humiliated. 

I understand the well intentions of people but I bemoan the lack of knowledge or even the eagerness to know about another person before we do anything. True that there are people with disabilities who do ask for money but that doesn't mean it's the same for everyone. Come and talk to me and I will tell you if I need your money. 

I asked myself if it's about my pride but seriously, something is wrong when assumptions are made and a behaviour is manifested. I cannot control the behaviour of others but I definitely can choose how I respond in spite of how I feel.

And the idea of talking to the next person who offers me money never crossed my mind until yesterday and it's an idea that needs God's courage to execute. I'm not going to tell that person off. I simply want to share my perspective, my story and my God, if he is prepared to listen. I have never thought of this before. Remember, I excel in running away? So who gave me that idea of staying put and learning to overcome my struggles with God, myself and a stranger? 

I remember telling my niece that like her, I struggle with self-image. I don't like to see myself in a video because I actually can see myself as compared to being myself. Being myself, I don't see any difference between others and me. In the video, I can see how I look rather different from others though I am still myself. It's totally self-deceiving not to accept myself as portrayed in the video because what others see has always been me.

God does not allow us to sweep things under the carpet. The more things hidden within, the more He would take out the whole carpet and let us see the dust and dirt that is hidden deep in the heart, to be recognized for what it is, to be cleaned up. It's a shocking and painful process, this unraveling. 

And so when I went to the book event, verses about we being made in God's image, about truth, identity and love, everything that is spoken about God just pierce me through and through once again. It's as if God was reminding me, "You are very special to me. You don't need to bother about how people or even you yourself think about you."

We want to be accepted, loved and treasured for what we are. But what are we?
Before I received Christ, I used to think that I am what people see or say about me.
After I allowed God into my life, I learn to cling on to what God has said. I am made in His image. How can I despise how He has made me? If I can't even look at myself, how can I look at God, call Him my Creator and my King?

Firstly, I have to get right with Him. I have to see myself in His light. Something is wrong when I allow myself to be affected by anyone's look, comment or behaviour about me over something that I have no control of. In fact, isn't it awesome that it's God who controls the very thing that we have no control of? Now I would have freedom being myself without the need of plastic surgery etc to change the original me because I accept that He created me for His special purpose. 

I look back and see my own timeline. I saw me struggling very hard with identity, truth and love without God and I fell into the deep valley that unless I bounce up, I would remain in the valley, 'dead'.

I see myself now, struggling again with the same issues, thankfully with God in me, through me and with me, a little lost now and then, sometimes longing to hide myself in the cave to lick my wounds but the Healer in me draws me away from my man-made coverings and cave. And it gets easier to obey Him once I start to obey. The beautiful thing is He sends like-minded people who hold us all together, in this family of Christ. Honesty begets honesty and truly in Christ, there's nothing to hide for what I don't say is not what you haven't experienced so why not share and edify one another?

Where do I see myself going? Yesterday I asked Him and I can literally sense that I am walking into what He has planned for me. I'm walking into my destiny. And that means always looking outwards, not inwards. It's too easy for each one of us to wallow in self-pity, always seeing our own struggles and saying things like, "I'm struggling with my life. How can I help others when I can't even help myself? I'm not equipped...what can I as one person do?"

Our struggles do not stop the moment we help others. We cannot predict what will come but we have the present to give. The moment I look out for others is the moment I actually am set free from the bondage to my own problems. My problems don't cease. They just become smaller and smaller compared to how big I make my God to be. And my God is unimaginably BIG!

Equipped? As long as we are willing to learn and come with the right attitude, will God not equip us Himself and by using His people?

I see people wasting their lives away because they refuse to let go of self and embrace the greatest gift of God Himself. And by this, I include those who claim to follow Christ but still follow self.

Only ONE King sitting on the throne of our heart. God or self.