Dr God-sent

Doctors are so part of my life, from birth till adulthood.
Always thought they would just mend my legs, never thought that my mind would need mending too.
Depression is nothing new and I am always prepared that either one day someone would just spill this out or I would not hesitate to admit that I had depression before as I believe that God has healed me, even though I still need to take 2 tablets for stabilisation.
If I were to admit this in public, it would be for God's glory and purpose.
I want people who feel trapped or feel stigmatized by any mental illness to know that they can be healed.
It is a choice.
More than a decade ago, after I left the house, I cried in the office every day.
I had the best colleagues in National Council of Social Service (NCSS) who treated me with such tender love and care.
P, R, like big sister and big brother to me, a graduate, a newbie in the workplace.
P brought me to Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH) where I met Dr K, a psychiatrist.
I felt very sad that I had to see a psychiatrist.
Told Dr K that I used to be a bubbly girl and he being Mr Joker, joked that he would blow bubbles with me.
I was like, am I seeing Dr quack?
He was very patient and gentle, willing to listen to my life story.
I babbled on and on, was warded in TTSH, had panic attacks so real that each time I felt like I was dying.
I literally couldn't breathe until Dr taught me how to blow into the paper bag or slow down my breathing.
When I was down, I couldn't eat or sleep for two weeks and tears was my food.
When I was high, I need not sleep and was full of energy though my body was breaking down.
I had hallucinations, was put on different medication, got into trouble and was sent to Institute of Mental Health (IMH) where I met people who were really off and I knew that I still have some sanity.
To get out of IMH, I said what the doctors wanted me to say; that they were all hallucinations though to me, they were so real.
I lost some memory of what exactly transpired at that time, lost a dear friend, and another that I thought was a friend.
I lost all those precious years of my life, checking myself in and out of TTSH because when I was in hospital, everyone was concerned about me and treated me like a princess.
Once I was discharged, I was left to fend for myself.
If IMH is hell, TTSH is heaven cos I always went down to Starbucks to chat with my friends.
I had freedom to roam around but in IMH, I was locked up with the others, had to do common activities with the others.
And so I resolved to behave myself especially in public cos I have a record and anyone could send me there if I create a din.
For years, the humiliation of having this condition called Bipolar disorder stuck with me until I came to Christ.
Having Dr K as my doctor was God's gift to me.
He never looked down on me nor show anger to my insolence.
He always joked or maybe he meant it, haha, that I was his smartest patient, like how he introduced me to his family members yesterday.
Years later when I excitedly told him that I became a Christian did he admit that he is also a Christian!
Finally I understood the hand of God in bringing me to Him all this while.
In my memory, I thought He saw me at age seven.
Psalm 139 said that He already has a book for my life even before I was born.
When I was down in the valley, He sent Dr K, His gentle hand to bring me back to sanity, to His loving arms, such that the rebellious and self-righteous me cannot help but be tamed by the Holy Spirit.
Mental illness, Bipolar disorder?
I told Dr that I'm so intelligent (as in I am a graduate with a certain intelligence right?), why do I have such a condition?
As if having a physical disability is not enough, as if losing my mum, my career, my friends, my home etc are not enough, I have to have this condition.
Did I bring this upon myself or did circumstances make me become like this?
I bought books, searched articles to know about this condition, I wanted to know the prognosis BUT...
You know what?
God knows my future.
After I received Christ, I never had a relapse.
I learnt to take care of myself, make sure I sleep well, not overstressed...
I turn to God.
Sometimes I don't know if I'm hearing God or if I can sense His physical presence but His word always comforts me, always let me know that He is near.
He says, "Draw close to me and I will draw close to you."
His word is my plumb line.
He helps me to literally take captive of all my thoughts to the obedience of Christ.
Some people are afraid of being found out that they have a mental condition.
They live in fear.
No, God's people do not have the spirit of fear but the spirit of power, love and a sound mind.
Just like friends who told me their past before they received Christ, honestly I may feel overwhelmed, shocked and sometimes at a loss as to what to do.
But should I look at them differently and judge them to be unworthy to be someone that I associate with, God will judge me.
They have settled their issues with God.
Who am I to look at them as if I am god?
What counts is the life they are leading now and the fruit they bring to Christ.
I am in Christ now, never wanting to go back.
I want to fight the good fight of faith.
My story is His story.
I have no story without Him.
To finally look back and realize how God used and is still using every experience of my life to mold me into the vessel He wants me to be, even to lose a little face here and there, I have not come to shedding blood.
5 months and 6 days to 9 years in Christ, I want to treasure every day with You, Lord.