信是爱，爱之信

Dear Heavenly Father,

Today as I went to retrieve my wheelchair in church, Mary, a lady who always sit in front of me told me that while we were worshipping, she saw a vision of me being lifted up and in Your embrace!:D 

Wow, actually last year when I was in the pits, I had a vision of myself in Your embrace.

The little girl in me, in my Father's arms, crying so hard.

And the impression I received last July is supposed to come true next year, if I truly receive it correctly.

I guess I am still trying to differentiate between fantasy and faith.

Times when I thought I got it so right but things went wrong.

Until I'm like, God, how can I hear You correctly?

Then You would give me encouragement through people, through opportunities, through songs, through sermons, through videos, through dreams!

Even this morning when I woke up, I was thinking of how to go for service in such a weather.

I just pray for a drizzle, instead of the rain stopping? 

Because it rained the whole night.

As if it is impossible to stop?

Wow, You stopped the rain before and after service lor.

You are like chiding me that I have little faith!:(

I also want to scold myself :(

I pray that I will have greater faith in You.

I pray that I will have reverent fear of You such that I will not do anything that displeases You.

I pray that I will love and desire You above man and things of the world.

I pray that I will know You more and more.

I pray that I will know people who point me to You.

I pray that I will be wise as serpent, harmless as dove.

I pray for more students to teach and mold.

I pray that I have more opportunities to share You!

I pray that I can write better, in the writing style You have given me.

I don't need to follow the writing style of anyone because I am SHLP.

I thank You that through it all, I get to know You even better.

I thank You that You stripped me of all that I love so that I can love You and others more freely.

I thank You for baby Emmanuelle's life. I love her though she has yet to know me. But I will remind her that I saw her mustard/matcha colour output when she can understand me...

I thank You that You teach me to love my mini-society family in all my heartbreaks...

I thank You for putting all my tears in Your bottle...

I thank You for the body of Christ. Even in our imperfections,help us to imitate You and be of one mind.

Help me to be aware of the idols of my heart.

Help me to be more like You and less like myself.

Help me to endure afflictions and let Your strength be in my weakness.

You increase, I decrease.

Help me not to center on self but on You.

Help me not to be proud but look to You as how You see me.

Help me not to despise small beginnings.

Help me not to look down on all that You have given me.

Help me not to compare myself with any other person, only with myself in the past.

Help me to cast all my anxiety onto You because You care for me.

Help me to eat Your word. Who knows when we cannot have Your word with us anymore?

Help me to draw closer to You, to be even more intentional in my quiet time.

Help me to know that I am made more beautiful in You.

Help me to be worthy of Your calling, to do justly, love mercy and walk humbly with You.

Help me to comfort others with the comfort You have given me.

Help me to turn my eyes on You, today and forever.

Come back, quickly, Jesus!

The whole earth groans for You!

Help me to be longsuffering in waiting for You.

The fight, the race and the faith up till 12 years in Christ

1. And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap IF we do not lose heart. (Galatians 6)

"It is so beautiful to have no regret in my life, Lord!"

Of course there is sadness in how things have evolved, how all of us have changed since 2015 but I praise God that I have no regret in my life.

Last two days of my 12 years in Christ.

I'm glad to be free to reflect on the major lessons learnt from 2015 to 2019.

Last night, my university friend, PX and I sat in McDonald's, reminiscing about the past, about the one and a half years of my family internship.

A life saved, all to the glory of God.

I am merely a facilitator who finally have a chance to change the diapers of Emmanuelle, know the colour of her output as a baby, know her exact weight, height and time of birth, to welcome her out of the womb, to know her even though she doesn't know me.

I'm reminded of Jesus who died for even those who rejected Him, refused to know Him, truly yet to know Him, pierced Him, ridiculed Him etc.

All those who see You ridicule You;

They shoot out the lip, they shake the head, saying,

"He trusted in the LORD, let Him rescue Him;

Let Him deliver Him, since He delights in Him!"

(Psalm 22)

If Jesus can die for those who hated Him, all that I went through cannot be compared to His life sacrifice.

If God our Father can sacrifice His only begotten Son to bring us to His throne, I am in His safe arms.

For all things come from God and of His own I have given to Him and to those around me. 

(1 Chronicles 29)

Even if one day an unsupported pregnancy happens again or again or again in my family, I will do it again as long as I have breath.

If the Lord wills, no abortion will happen in my family!

Reflecting on how when it first started and how I panicked, became angry all the time, became very controlling because I felt everything was out of control.

There were valid concerns of HIV infection for the baby, that baby may be aborted, that baby has no father to be there for her...so unlike all my other 6 nieces and nephews who are in families with a dad and a mum.

I hate political correctness that is merely lies.

A single-parent family is like one arm amputated, leaving the other arm to carry a very vulnerable child.

I love Emmanuelle.

Yet each time when I see her, I'm reminded of her great disadvantage at the starting point of her race in life.

But now I'm reminded that as long as she and her mummy know Jesus, they will have victory in Christ.

Emmanuelle and her mummy have their own journey with Christ, just like me.

So finally, my heart rests in my Lord.

My duty is done, the seed is sown and one day, if the Lord wills, the harvest will come.

Praise God for renewing my mind and cleansing my heart of the idol that is Emmanuelle.

I have not loved a baby so much after Vinnie, my first niece was born.

Before and after Christ, God uses a baby to teach me His many lessons.

Maybe that's why Christmas seems so familiar.

Jesus was born and our lives can never be the same anymore.

All the ends of the world 

Shall remember and turn to the LORD,

And all the families of the nations

Shall worship before You.

For the kingdom is the LORD's,

And He rules over the nations.

(Psalm 22)  

2. To my own Master I stand or fall. (Romans 14)

I am 13 years in Christ on 16 December 2019!

Many times I think I am strange because I don't know anyone who is as crazy as me when it comes to counting down to our years in Christ.

I received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour after a Christmas service in 2006.

I actually wanted to go for baptism soon after, together with some cell members.

I felt uneasy, as if it was peer pressure that made me want to do so.

I was afraid of water baptism because I could not swim then.

I nearly drowned when I was a kid doing hydrotherapy in a community hospital.

I thought baptism is like getting married so how could I say and do my wedding vows so fast leh?

So I was powerfully baptised on 16 December 2007. 

I was buried with Jesus in baptism, in which I also was raised with Him through faith in the working of God, who raised Him from the dead.

And I, being dead in my trespasses and the uncircumcision of my flesh, He has made alive together with Him, having forgiven me all trespasses, having wiped out the handwriting of requirements that was against me, which was contrary to me. And He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.

Having disarmed principalities and powers, He made a public spectacle of them, truimphing over them in it. (Colossians 2)  

From 2006 to late 2014, all I know about Christianity is the walk between God and me. 
I lived in a bubble whereby only God and I existed.

It was in late 2014 that I first knew some friends and more friends in 2015.

I started to be exposed to how culture influences us and how ill-equipped the Church is in having a voice of conscience in our society.

After all that had happened, my heart is still for building a culture of life.

If there is no physical life, there can be no eternal life.

And this is eternal life, that we may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent. (John 17)

I tend to be simplistic/naïve in my view of things and people.

I lead a sheltered life with very little exposure to the world.

The best experience of a little bit of hardship was when I went twice to Orissa, India.

In fact, I want to go again, God willing.

While I am still mobile and full of energy.

I looked up to people who seem more mature in Christ and I guess the idols of my heart are knowledge and the fear of man.

I wanted so much to belong to a group.

As if we who do something are worth something.

I didn't realise how easily we can fall into a trap that says that if you don't do ABC, you are not a "good" Christian.

There is this unspoken criteria of a worthy Christian dictated by man.

John Piper said in his article "Walk worthy of God?",

"NOT: I must have faith and love so as to be worth God's favor; BUT RATHER: God's favor is free and it is infinitely worth trusting. Walking worthy of that favor means walking by faith, because faith is the one thing that agrees with our bankruptcy and God's infinite "worth." Looking to God's infinite worth for our help and satisfaction is "walking worthy of God." "

We must question ourselves if what we do is to please God or man.

Last year, I realised to my horror how we/I have made God so small.

When my mentor shared with me how powerful God is, I was stunned.

What happened to my great God?

He remains the same yesterday, today and forever but I have used a microscope to see God.

My God was made so small because I thought myself too big to take on the world.

There is a great difference between speaking up versus taking over.

How we speak is very important too.

Just recently, I wrote this:

Many times we make the mistake of expecting the world to conform to God's standards when "the natural man does not receive the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; nor can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned."
(1 Corinthians 2)
But when it comes to the household of God, we are lax such that church discipline is unheard of, especially in charismatic churches. It seems easier to blame the world rather than judge ourselves.
"I wrote to you in my epistle not to keep company with sexually immoral people.
Yet I certainly did not mean with the sexually immoral people of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world...
For what have I to do with judging those also who are outside? Do you not judge those who are inside? But those who are outside God judges."
(1 Corinthians 5)
To the household of God,
"In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, when you are gathered together, along with my spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus Christ, deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus."
(1 Corinthians 5)

I still count X as my very good friend who shared with me so many precious insights such that I observed for myself what he shared.

We are to be like the Bereans, receiving the word with all readiness and search the Scriptures daily to find out whether these things were so. (Acts 17) 

I agree or like some of what he shared, not because of any other reason but purely for the content and how it aligns with my journey in Christ, according to God's word.

I may not know a lot about my God but I know a tiny bit of His character.

Even if anyone were to "throw" bible verses at me, trying to say God said this or that, I learn to question it with due respect.  

In the past, I just followed the crowd.

I felt condemned in this recent ordeal.

But I remember that there is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. (Romans 8)

The fear of man nearly "killed" me but the fear of God rescued and healed me.

From X, I learnt to evaluate things on a case-by-case basis.

It is ok to stand alone and not follow the crowd.

After all, we are to enter into the kingdom by the narrow gate.

Wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it.

Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it. (Matthew 7) 

I will test all things; hold fast what is good.

I will abstain from every form of evil.

Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify us completely; and may our whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

He who calls us is faithful, who also will do it.

(2 Thessalonians 5) 

To be in Christ can be no different from being of the world if we are not careful.

We are to be in but not of the world! (John 17)

3. Preach the word! Be ready in season and out of season. Convince, rebuke, exhort, with ALL longsuffering and teaching...be watchful in ALL things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry. (2 Timothy 4)

The urgency to share Christ with others is greater than ever today.

Many times I'm stuck at how people don't want my Lord.

Yet Jesus said that He must work the works of Him who sent Him while it is day; the night is coming when no one can work.

Like Jesus, I will say, "As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world." (John 9)

I desire to be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.

I want to be faithful to teach others too.

I must endure hardship as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.

I who am engaged in warfare will NOT entangle myself with the affairs of this life, that I may please Him who enlisted me as a soldier.

I will compete according to the rules to be crowned.

I will be the hardworking farmer to be the first to partake of the crops.

May the Lord give me understanding in all things. (2 Timothy 2)

I yearn for a fellow labourer-in-Christ, if the Lord wills, to reap the harvest together.

Over the years, as I dig deeper in Christ, my flaws scare me but my God draws me closer into His embrace. His banner over me was and is love. (Song of Solomon 2)

God help me in my next season of life! 

I will fight the good fight, I will finish the race, I will keep the faith!

Giving all my heartfelt thanks to God, my family, the household of God and my friends who individually play a unique role in my journey with God the Father, Jesus Christ the Son and the Holy Spirit who dwells in me.:D

10th letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

Dearest Emmanuelle, 

how many letters do I have to write before I can see you?

So many people, including I myself have been telling me to let go...

I think I am doing well in terms of coming to terms with maybe not even seeing you for a month or two... 

I haven't seen you on Instagram stories too.

Your mummy said that she has been busy...then when I asked her when is good, again she didn't reply.

It's all about priorities and I get it that I'm not on the list.
I just bumped into a common friend who went out with her and the rest.
God would reveal whatever I need to know.
I just miss you so much.

I know you are just my niece, not my daughter.

As long as you are growing well, I am fine.

Then I see you on 7 Dec.

Just now I met my gf who is like a big sister to me.

I told her of the incident of that 17 years old and she said I tend to take things seriously and personally.

I thought about it and ya, to a certain extent she is right.

I thought we are to be sincere with one another.

Of course I take every relationship seriously.

But I have to accept that not everyone thinks the same.

It is so easy to "con" me because I tend to be too trusting.

I want to be wise as a serpent, harmless as a dove.

I didn't lose anything.

I gained an experience.

I learnt that not all teens are as innocent as the ones I know.

I'm too sheltered.

Yesterday I bumped into the doctor who delivered you at the Fundraising Lunch of Safe Place!

She knows my friend!

Wow, I didn't know that she's a Christian.

Praise God that she was very nice to calmly explain to me when there was a disagreement between her and the anaesthesiologist when your mummy was having induced labour.

Initially it was decided that the doctors could help to sign the papers for epidural for your mummy so your grandpa didn't have to go to the hospital.

But when your mum asked for epidural, the anaesthesiologist refused to administer it without parental consent.
Your mum was below 21.
But hey baby, you know ah, no parental consent is needed for abortion.
There is no age limit.
The youngest to have an abortion in Singapore is 13 years old.
An abortion is a surgery to kill a cutie like you. :(
Mummy was in such great pain and she begged me to call grandpa.

I cried because it must have been so painful that mummy had to beg me. 

Of course I quickly called him.

The doctors were shocked by our emotional outburst.

When I was waiting for your grandpa, then the doctor called to say that they would sign the papers but grandpa was already on his way.

I was really upset.

Because your grandpa came and said his usual mantra that really irritated me. 

I didn't sleep the whole night!

That's why it's so hard to communicate with your grandpa.

I'm the kind who finds it hard to "one ear in, one ear out".

I just kept quiet.

As long as your mum got her epidural.

The doctor's patience calmed me.

I also didn't want to pursue the matter.

I just said that the disagreement between you guys made things difficult for the patient and the family.

So baby, see?

It's not easy to have you for 9 months and to give birth to you.

I told my friend that I'm like a surrogate dad.

I was there for your birth.

I know your vital statistics.

How can I not be sad that I'm left out of your life?

But this is temporary.

I believe God will make all things beautiful in His time.

I long for the days when I can see you freely.

You are in good hands and that's all that matters.

Sorry that I cannot let you and mummy stay with me.

I cannot handle such a responsibility at this point in life.

I hardly know your mum.

I have my own load to carry.

When you are older, it would be easier for me to help to take care of you.

If the Lord wills, I can teach you... 

We wait ok?

Wait for me.

I love you, Emmanuelle.

9th letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

My dearest Emmanuelle,

last Sunday I texted your mummy if she wanted to come out with you. 

I can even travel all the way to meet you gals.

She didn't reply. I also didn't bother to ask her anymore.

What's the point?

How can I keep chasing for a response?

How can I force anyone to be close to me?

No one can do that to me too.

It is nearly 1 and a half years since you were conceived and I reached out to her.

Now I understand a little bit of how it must be heartbreaking for God to send Jesus to die on the cross for even those who may never receive Him.

Your mummy and I were like strangers before your conception.

I am closer to my 3 elder sisters (your three older aunts) because we have the same Mummy.

They have loved me since I was a baby.

I just honored your aunts publicly on Sunday and thought I want to continue to build the relationship with your mummy and you, of course.

You and mummy are our family's lost babes.

I can understand a bit of how your mummy must feel, as if being abandoned by the family.

I have done my best in trying to bridge the gap.

I have come to realize that it's alright that each one of us needs time to come back to the family.

Didn't I take more than a decade?

I need to be patient with others just as others have been patient with me.

So unless your mummy wants to come forward, I guess I can only see you on your 1st birthday celebration on 7 December.

I think I will cry when I see you.

It's like you are so near and yet so far.

I told God I want to stop mourning over the losses.

I cannot keep on like this.

I want to lead my own life with God.

The best thing I have done was to dedicate you and mummy to God.

Wherever you gals are, God is with you.

During the time-out period, I thought as long as you are alive, even if you are not close to us, I am contented.

That's love.

Love does not mean possessing that person but wishing that person well.

Is that how God loves us?

I love you, baby.

One day you will know your roots and know Jesus.

All of us are accountable to Him so I refuse to be afraid of what people will say about me, about our family.

Now I only have gratitude to God for putting me in this family.

I am the peacemaker of our family.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. (Matthew 5:9) 

The harvest is in our family.

I pray for more labourers.

Love you, my darling.

You are in His safe arms.

He loves you and mummy much more than I can ever do so.

8th letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

Hey happy baby,

Sometimes I wonder if I should continue writing to you.
When will you understand what I'm writing?
Last Friday I went to a new cell group and it was so unbearable that I wanted to leave as soon as I came.
I guess I cannot gel with people who talk about God as if He is a fairy tale and not real to our lives.
They did not have the normal cell discussion.
A member was sharing about what she studied in a bible school and the topic for her assignment was "Is God racist or hospitable?"
I nearly fainted.
Is this even worth a debate?
The answers that she gave actually answered the question that I said should be reframed as "Are we racist or hospitable?
Apologetics has its place.
Maybe I wasn't in a mood for such stuff now or maybe I had too much of this in the past.
Now I just want to apply what I have learnt to my life and the lives of others.
I really don't care if you are a bible scholar or whatever.
There's a great difference between knowing about God vs knowing God.
I don't want to waste a second of my life speculating about the God I love while busy covering myself with fig leaves.
Let's start being serious about life, ya?
So yesterday I went back to my old cell group where there is plenty of kids and lots of love.
I have been there for 8 years.
Does going to another church means I shouldn't stay in the old cell group?
They are always welcoming me.
It is I who don't know if I should continue to stay in my comfort zone.
I met baby Hannah, 2 months old.
Her mummy just let me carry her baby without me asking.
So I was rewarded with the fresh memory of you in my arms at 2 months old.
Aiyo so cute. She is also fat fat and she was delivered naturally within 2 hours.
She was 3kg then. Now she is 5kg.
Wa, fatfat, you took us a whole day and more ok.
I scold you when you can understand me haha.
Though it's not your fault la.
Then I met a 2+ years old gal.
Wow, she is quite playful. She "spat" at me, thinking she was playing with me.
I was amused and helpless ;O
But if it's you, ahhhhh, you don't know that I'm fierce.
I don't know why people think I'm fierce.
Haha, maybe I am...
So I saw "you" in the past, I saw "you" in the near future.
I just watched a video about Lina Ng who had her premature son at nearly 1kg, the size of her palm at 8 months of gestation.
Wow, thank God you were fatfat and are still fat. Haha.
2 days of special care is nothing compared to 2 months in NICU.
Mothers are really amazing ah.
Of course no fathers, then no cuties like you.
I like to tell people, if only the husband can give birth too.
Then can be fruitful and multiply by taking turns to give birth, good right?
Ok, people laughed at me :(
It's a good idea, my child.
But God has His purpose for why only women have this privilege.
Though I'm not a biological mum, I have maternal instinct too.
See, I'm blessed with the 7 of you, especially you, our youngest and most vulnerable babe.
Oh, you are actually a toddler now, no longer a baby lor.
May you be wise as a serpent, harmless as a dove.
May you always have a childlike faith.
Don't lose that purity in you.
Behold the God you will grow to love.
December is coming.
I love December.
The month of your birth, the month of my rebirth.
Grow well, toddler Emmanuelle...

7th letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

Hello baby Emmanuelle,

Two days ago, I saw on Mummy's Instagram video that you can now walk with a baby walker!

10 months old and already walking!

Big baby's development is faster?!

Mummy sounded so excited and my heart is full, watching you so happy that you can stand on your  feet now!

What a relief it will be on Mummy because my dear fatfat, you are heavy!

I can't really carry you now.

Sometimes I miss the days when you were a newborn or a few months old and I could easily carry you in my bosom.

But let's learn how to hug ok?

When I meet you again, I will demonstrate to you.

Yesterday I finally went for the Wed prayer meeting after not going for a month.

It's actually once a fortnight.

Sometimes I find it hard to pray as a group but the two times I missed, I guess I felt I needed to get right with God first before I can intercede/pray for our nation.

Yesterday, we were blessed with apple pie made by a friend who came back from Israel.

A dessert after a prayer meeting made the heart sweeter.

Though there are many things that are not set right now, but I believe God has His timing.

When I left home at 24 years old, it was to escape a scene that recurred every day.

Your maternal grandmother, heavily pregnant with your mama, sat on the sofa with your grandfather in the living room.

My mother's tablet was there and I came home after work to face this scenario daily.

I started to go home late every night.

I contemplated packing my bag and never go back home again.

One day, something triggered and I left home for work and never went back again.

I used to scream at the mention of the word "father" when I was in the hospital.

I used to hate your grandfather.

Not so much of the things he did but more of the things he did not do.

I always felt like I came from a single-parent family.

I have an absent father.

So I can understand how your mama feels or even how you would feel as you grow.

Which is worse?

To have an emotionally absent father or a physically absent father?

I think both are just as bad.

But baby Emmanuelle, I want to tell you that we have an Abba Father who knows exactly how we feel, how we struggle and how we need His love.

Your grandfather, who is my father, does not have a father who loves him.

Though I have never asked him, but I only know he has a strong-willed mother?

I can't remember.

I was very young then.

So now I only have pity for my father.

He doesn't even want to know God.

So he does not get to experience the love of our Abba Father.

How do I introduce a godly father to him?

How to find someone who can talk to an 80+ man?

Will it be too late for him?

I pray that God will tell me or show me what to do.

So 19 years later after I left home because of your mama in your grandma's womb, I sort of come back to the family again.

Because of you in your mama's womb.

I left home because I couldn't imagine having to take care of young children from my old dad.

He was 60+ years old then.

Who would have babies at this age?

Well, Abraham had Sarah with him when he had Isaac.

But my dad, as I could already foreseen then, I just know their marriage wouldn't last.

Now I became involved again because you came into our family.

Now I can no longer run away because I am a child of God.

I left because of a child.

I came back because of a child too.

How humorous is our Abba Father.

How He gave me this heart for children when I used to "hate" children.

Children are so blunt in their words and they laugh in my face because I have the height of a child but the face, mind, heart and body of an adult.

I struggled so much with all these worldly views.

Until I learn to deal with it better in His ways.

So you my baby, like all your cousins, you would be nicer to people who look a little different.

After all, aren't we all different?

Your cousin, V used to say that if I grow taller, she won't be able to recognise me.

God used you, baby Emmanuelle, to bring us together as a family.

Not there yet but slowly, we are building again.

Love you, our happy baby.

Can't wait to see you again...

6th letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

My beloved fatfat,

Haha, can I call you this before you start understanding its meaning and may feel sad upon hearing me call you by this endearment? ;p
Wow, yesterday a Pastor from Emmanuel Assembly of God came to preach in church.
Emmanuel. God with us.
He preached about a wedding.
He spoke about miracles.
And guess what?
On Saturday night, I wrote to God, "Where's the miracle? Where's the impossible become possible?"
I felt like God was rebuking me in the Pastor's sharing the very next day!
I went for the altar call.
Ah Yi always thought that I'm a silly woman.
I'm a determined woman.
I'm a woman who is trying to understand my own faith.
But we walk by faith and not by sight.
Can I see and understand faith?
By faith, you were born.
I know all your vital statistics.
You were born on 9 December 2018, at 7:11am, weighed 3.668kg and was 53cm tall, delivered via C-section.
Mummy was admitted on Fri, 7 Dec.
You became too big so the doctor wanted to induce labour.
Mummy had been really well-fed such that you become our fatfat.
Many things happened during your birth.
But God is so good.
Perhaps I won't have the chance to be a biological mum so God let me go into the labour ward with your mama.
It was a tiring night as I tried to sleep in the chair.
I heard your heartbeat, loud and clear.
Your heart beat faster than that of an adult.
I couldn't wait to meet you face-to-face.
Your mummy and I have been imagining how you would look like.
Your mummy was in great pain even after the epidural.
The doctor wanted to try natural birth since mummy is so young.
I never knew that the doctor measures the dilation of the cervix by inserting her fingers inside.
I thought they use a ruler haha.
But it makes sense.
Compared to an equipment used during an abortion, our fingers are not damaging to our bodies.
I had to ask mummy to "Jia you, Jia you" when she was trying to push you out.
I think I was really traumatised by the whole ordeal.
Now I understand why there should be a husband in the labour ward.
A woman cannot bear to see another woman going through the labour.
We have the same reproductive organs!
When mummy was in pain, I felt the pain too.
Not physically but psychologically.
I wouldn't want to be in a labour ward with anyone anymore, unless I'm called to.
It is too much for my heart.
I saw the crown of your head.
The doctor used suction but you couldn't come out.
And so mummy went for C-section.
I waited outside the operating theatre.
There was code red sign.
I didn't know how many babies were in the theatre.
I just cried and prayed that you would be safely delivered.
The doctor looked like he had much to say.
You were in special care for two days.
They said you didn't breathe/cry when you were born.
Perhaps you were traumatised during the long labour process.
But Jesus heard my prayer.
You, our darling fatfat, is destined to be born into our family.
The evil one has no hold over you because I am my Father's child.
So Emmanuelle, see how God has been with us?
See how powerful one person's prayer is for the whole family?
There is much to say about your birth.
"If you then being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven, give good things to those who ask Him!"
(Matthew 7:11)
I asked for you to be born into our family and God graciously gave you to us.
A wanted child, a beloved child. A child with a destiny in Christ.
You will grow up to be a woman after God's heart.
You are our second generation of Christians, bringing many of our family members to Christ.
You can, You will, because God can, God will, God loves.
Love you, fatfat.

5th letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

Hey sweetheart,

God is so good.

This month I got to see you on 5 Oct at LifeFest, unexpectedly on 16 Oct for family dinner and today at C's thanksgiving celebration. 

This is 3 times our usual monthly meeting.

God answered my prayer that at the family dinner, you warmed up easily to me. 

You were so sweet to nuzzle at my chest again.

I think you feel more secure when mummy is around, like today.

So now you can Hi5, do peekaboo. 

I thought you were sleepy but actually you were doing peekaboo with me.

You are growing so fast!

Today, I was surprised to discover that you did this a few times: you lowered your head, closed your eyes and pouted. Faking a cry.

Hahaha, I was so amused. 

Now I know you are up to your tricks.

You can play with us now!

I wanted to snap a picture of you doing that but I don't want to encourage that expression, no matter how cute it is.

Maybe next time? Can't resist your tricks.

I feel much relaxed now.

These letters have a therapeutic effect on me.

It's so hard to find someone who can understand my awkward position, all the struggles that I have been through...

All the misunderstandings and accusations have accumulated such that I have no strength or desire to defend myself anymore.

I guess I no longer care who thinks what about me.

For a worthy cause I choose to let go of all the distractions.

I trust that one day God will make all of us face what we don't want to face.

May there be witnesses to bring about reconciliation.

Most importantly is, we must choose to forgive.

God will bring about that closure.

I can't do that based on my own strength.

I tried before and it didn't work.  

But hey darling, I remember this awesome ending that God brought about.

It didn't sink in when I heard that the Medical Social Worker at KKH left her job.

Really praise God for removing her from that authority at KKH.

See how God works?

I didn't need to avenge myself.

God is our Avenger!

"I will always remember this phone conversation which I believe one day I will testify about it in front of medical professionals.

KKH Medical Social Worker : Why are you against abortion? Is it because of religion?

Important to note that prior to this phonecall, I have not seen the social worker and she did not even know if I have a religion. Nevermind that my faith has nothing to do with my answer.

Me: Because this is a child. (Common sense, no? Do I even need to bring God into the picture?)

I have friends who were traumatised after an abortion.

KKH Medical Social Worker : But there are patients who are not traumatised...

In my mind,

1. Did you do follow-up after their abortion? Did you do a survey of how they have been a few years after the abortion?

How do you even know post-abortive women are not traumatised?

You close the case, you close your eyes. Because you are not the one aborting your child.

I know because I have read and heard real cases. I know because if my loved one had an abortion, I can totally imagine the greater hurt to her and the family.

2. The Social Worker is very unprofessional.
You are not supposed to bring your biased opinions into the case.

Always ask open questions.

But it's true. None of us is neutral, especially on life and death issues. I don't blame her on the account that she is as human as me.

But her professionalism is questionable. I heard that she has left her workplace. I have nothing to do with it.

Praise the Lord!"

We praise our Lord!

I love you, baby.

No amount of words can express that love for you.

Don't you dare to question if you are loved.

Thanks for listening to me.