8th letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

Hey happy baby,

Sometimes I wonder if I should continue writing to you.
When will you understand what I'm writing?
Last Friday I went to a new cell group and it was so unbearable that I wanted to leave as soon as I came.
I guess I cannot gel with people who talk about God as if He is a fairy tale and not real to our lives.
They did not have the normal cell discussion.
A member was sharing about what she studied in a bible school and the topic for her assignment was "Is God racist or hospitable?"
I nearly fainted.
Is this even worth a debate?
The answers that she gave actually answered the question that I said should be reframed as "Are we racist or hospitable?
Apologetics has its place.
Maybe I wasn't in a mood for such stuff now or maybe I had too much of this in the past.
Now I just want to apply what I have learnt to my life and the lives of others.
I really don't care if you are a bible scholar or whatever.
There's a great difference between knowing about God vs knowing God.
I don't want to waste a second of my life speculating about the God I love while busy covering myself with fig leaves.
Let's start being serious about life, ya?
So yesterday I went back to my old cell group where there is plenty of kids and lots of love.
I have been there for 8 years.
Does going to another church means I shouldn't stay in the old cell group?
They are always welcoming me.
It is I who don't know if I should continue to stay in my comfort zone.
I met baby Hannah, 2 months old.
Her mummy just let me carry her baby without me asking.
So I was rewarded with the fresh memory of you in my arms at 2 months old.
Aiyo so cute. She is also fat fat and she was delivered naturally within 2 hours.
She was 3kg then. Now she is 5kg.
Wa, fatfat, you took us a whole day and more ok.
I scold you when you can understand me haha.
Though it's not your fault la.
Then I met a 2+ years old gal.
Wow, she is quite playful. She "spat" at me, thinking she was playing with me.
I was amused and helpless ;O
But if it's you, ahhhhh, you don't know that I'm fierce.
I don't know why people think I'm fierce.
Haha, maybe I am...
So I saw "you" in the past, I saw "you" in the near future.
I just watched a video about Lina Ng who had her premature son at nearly 1kg, the size of her palm at 8 months of gestation.
Wow, thank God you were fatfat and are still fat. Haha.
2 days of special care is nothing compared to 2 months in NICU.
Mothers are really amazing ah.
Of course no fathers, then no cuties like you.
I like to tell people, if only the husband can give birth too.
Then can be fruitful and multiply by taking turns to give birth, good right?
Ok, people laughed at me :(
It's a good idea, my child.
But God has His purpose for why only women have this privilege.
Though I'm not a biological mum, I have maternal instinct too.
See, I'm blessed with the 7 of you, especially you, our youngest and most vulnerable babe.
Oh, you are actually a toddler now, no longer a baby lor.
May you be wise as a serpent, harmless as a dove.
May you always have a childlike faith.
Don't lose that purity in you.
Behold the God you will grow to love.
December is coming.
I love December.
The month of your birth, the month of my rebirth.
Grow well, toddler Emmanuelle...

7th letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

Hello baby Emmanuelle,

Two days ago, I saw on Mummy's Instagram video that you can now walk with a baby walker!

10 months old and already walking!

Big baby's development is faster?!

Mummy sounded so excited and my heart is full, watching you so happy that you can stand on your  feet now!

What a relief it will be on Mummy because my dear fatfat, you are heavy!

I can't really carry you now.

Sometimes I miss the days when you were a newborn or a few months old and I could easily carry you in my bosom.

But let's learn how to hug ok?

When I meet you again, I will demonstrate to you.

Yesterday I finally went for the Wed prayer meeting after not going for a month.

It's actually once a fortnight.

Sometimes I find it hard to pray as a group but the two times I missed, I guess I felt I needed to get right with God first before I can intercede/pray for our nation.

Yesterday, we were blessed with apple pie made by a friend who came back from Israel.

A dessert after a prayer meeting made the heart sweeter.

Though there are many things that are not set right now, but I believe God has His timing.

When I left home at 24 years old, it was to escape a scene that recurred every day.

Your maternal grandmother, heavily pregnant with your mama, sat on the sofa with your grandfather in the living room.

My mother's tablet was there and I came home after work to face this scenario daily.

I started to go home late every night.

I contemplated packing my bag and never go back home again.

One day, something triggered and I left home for work and never went back again.

I used to scream at the mention of the word "father" when I was in the hospital.

I used to hate your grandfather.

Not so much of the things he did but more of the things he did not do.

I always felt like I came from a single-parent family.

I have an absent father.

So I can understand how your mama feels or even how you would feel as you grow.

Which is worse?

To have an emotionally absent father or a physically absent father?

I think both are just as bad.

But baby Emmanuelle, I want to tell you that we have an Abba Father who knows exactly how we feel, how we struggle and how we need His love.

Your grandfather, who is my father, does not have a father who loves him.

Though I have never asked him, but I only know he has a strong-willed mother?

I can't remember.

I was very young then.

So now I only have pity for my father.

He doesn't even want to know God.

So he does not get to experience the love of our Abba Father.

How do I introduce a godly father to him?

How to find someone who can talk to an 80+ man?

Will it be too late for him?

I pray that God will tell me or show me what to do.

So 19 years later after I left home because of your mama in your grandma's womb, I sort of come back to the family again.

Because of you in your mama's womb.

I left home because I couldn't imagine having to take care of young children from my old dad.

He was 60+ years old then.

Who would have babies at this age?

Well, Abraham had Sarah with him when he had Isaac.

But my dad, as I could already foreseen then, I just know their marriage wouldn't last.

Now I became involved again because you came into our family.

Now I can no longer run away because I am a child of God.

I left because of a child.

I came back because of a child too.

How humorous is our Abba Father.

How He gave me this heart for children when I used to "hate" children.

Children are so blunt in their words and they laugh in my face because I have the height of a child but the face, mind, heart and body of an adult.

I struggled so much with all these worldly views.

Until I learn to deal with it better in His ways.

So you my baby, like all your cousins, you would be nicer to people who look a little different.

After all, aren't we all different?

Your cousin, V used to say that if I grow taller, she won't be able to recognise me.

God used you, baby Emmanuelle, to bring us together as a family.

Not there yet but slowly, we are building again.

Love you, our happy baby.

Can't wait to see you again...

6th letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

My beloved fatfat,

Haha, can I call you this before you start understanding its meaning and may feel sad upon hearing me call you by this endearment? ;p
Wow, yesterday a Pastor from Emmanuel Assembly of God came to preach in church.
Emmanuel. God with us.
He preached about a wedding.
He spoke about miracles.
And guess what?
On Saturday night, I wrote to God, "Where's the miracle? Where's the impossible become possible?"
I felt like God was rebuking me in the Pastor's sharing the very next day!
I went for the altar call.
Ah Yi always thought that I'm a silly woman.
I'm a determined woman.
I'm a woman who is trying to understand my own faith.
But we walk by faith and not by sight.
Can I see and understand faith?
By faith, you were born.
I know all your vital statistics.
You were born on 9 December 2018, at 7:11am, weighed 3.668kg and was 53cm tall, delivered via C-section.
Mummy was admitted on Fri, 7 Dec.
You became too big so the doctor wanted to induce labour.
Mummy had been really well-fed such that you become our fatfat.
Many things happened during your birth.
But God is so good.
Perhaps I won't have the chance to be a biological mum so God let me go into the labour ward with your mama.
It was a tiring night as I tried to sleep in the chair.
I heard your heartbeat, loud and clear.
Your heart beat faster than that of an adult.
I couldn't wait to meet you face-to-face.
Your mummy and I have been imagining how you would look like.
Your mummy was in great pain even after the epidural.
The doctor wanted to try natural birth since mummy is so young.
I never knew that the doctor measures the dilation of the cervix by inserting her fingers inside.
I thought they use a ruler haha.
But it makes sense.
Compared to an equipment used during an abortion, our fingers are not damaging to our bodies.
I had to ask mummy to "Jia you, Jia you" when she was trying to push you out.
I think I was really traumatised by the whole ordeal.
Now I understand why there should be a husband in the labour ward.
A woman cannot bear to see another woman going through the labour.
We have the same reproductive organs!
When mummy was in pain, I felt the pain too.
Not physically but psychologically.
I wouldn't want to be in a labour ward with anyone anymore, unless I'm called to.
It is too much for my heart.
I saw the crown of your head.
The doctor used suction but you couldn't come out.
And so mummy went for C-section.
I waited outside the operating theatre.
There was code red sign.
I didn't know how many babies were in the theatre.
I just cried and prayed that you would be safely delivered.
The doctor looked like he had much to say.
You were in special care for two days.
They said you didn't breathe/cry when you were born.
Perhaps you were traumatised during the long labour process.
But Jesus heard my prayer.
You, our darling fatfat, is destined to be born into our family.
The evil one has no hold over you because I am my Father's child.
So Emmanuelle, see how God has been with us?
See how powerful one person's prayer is for the whole family?
There is much to say about your birth.
"If you then being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven, give good things to those who ask Him!"
(Matthew 7:11)
I asked for you to be born into our family and God graciously gave you to us.
A wanted child, a beloved child. A child with a destiny in Christ.
You will grow up to be a woman after God's heart.
You are our second generation of Christians, bringing many of our family members to Christ.
You can, You will, because God can, God will, God loves.
Love you, fatfat.

5th letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

Hey sweetheart,

God is so good.

This month I got to see you on 5 Oct at LifeFest, unexpectedly on 16 Oct for family dinner and today at C's thanksgiving celebration. 

This is 3 times our usual monthly meeting.

God answered my prayer that at the family dinner, you warmed up easily to me. 

You were so sweet to nuzzle at my chest again.

I think you feel more secure when mummy is around, like today.

So now you can Hi5, do peekaboo. 

I thought you were sleepy but actually you were doing peekaboo with me.

You are growing so fast!

Today, I was surprised to discover that you did this a few times: you lowered your head, closed your eyes and pouted. Faking a cry.

Hahaha, I was so amused. 

Now I know you are up to your tricks.

You can play with us now!

I wanted to snap a picture of you doing that but I don't want to encourage that expression, no matter how cute it is.

Maybe next time? Can't resist your tricks.

I feel much relaxed now.

These letters have a therapeutic effect on me.

It's so hard to find someone who can understand my awkward position, all the struggles that I have been through...

All the misunderstandings and accusations have accumulated such that I have no strength or desire to defend myself anymore.

I guess I no longer care who thinks what about me.

For a worthy cause I choose to let go of all the distractions.

I trust that one day God will make all of us face what we don't want to face.

May there be witnesses to bring about reconciliation.

Most importantly is, we must choose to forgive.

God will bring about that closure.

I can't do that based on my own strength.

I tried before and it didn't work.  

But hey darling, I remember this awesome ending that God brought about.

It didn't sink in when I heard that the Medical Social Worker at KKH left her job.

Really praise God for removing her from that authority at KKH.

See how God works?

I didn't need to avenge myself.

God is our Avenger!

"I will always remember this phone conversation which I believe one day I will testify about it in front of medical professionals.

KKH Medical Social Worker : Why are you against abortion? Is it because of religion?

Important to note that prior to this phonecall, I have not seen the social worker and she did not even know if I have a religion. Nevermind that my faith has nothing to do with my answer.

Me: Because this is a child. (Common sense, no? Do I even need to bring God into the picture?)

I have friends who were traumatised after an abortion.

KKH Medical Social Worker : But there are patients who are not traumatised...

In my mind,

1. Did you do follow-up after their abortion? Did you do a survey of how they have been a few years after the abortion?

How do you even know post-abortive women are not traumatised?

You close the case, you close your eyes. Because you are not the one aborting your child.

I know because I have read and heard real cases. I know because if my loved one had an abortion, I can totally imagine the greater hurt to her and the family.

2. The Social Worker is very unprofessional.
You are not supposed to bring your biased opinions into the case.

Always ask open questions.

But it's true. None of us is neutral, especially on life and death issues. I don't blame her on the account that she is as human as me.

But her professionalism is questionable. I heard that she has left her workplace. I have nothing to do with it.

Praise the Lord!"

We praise our Lord!

I love you, baby.

No amount of words can express that love for you.

Don't you dare to question if you are loved.

Thanks for listening to me.

                                     

4th letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

Hey baby Emmanuelle,

I saw you last Saturday at the Volunteer Dinner but you looked frightened so I walked away.

I didn't want to make you cry.

Then I returned the call to your grandpa just now and though I have Bible study today, I agreed to a dinner with you guys to celebrate your elder uncle's 19th birthday.

Yesterday I spoke to my friend who is a mama about "stranger distress" in babies.

I think I need to have a cool face and maintain a distance between us to let you warm up to me.

I always get so excited when I see you such that I forget you are still a baby.

Then just now I read this article.

I think part of the anxiety in this whole family issue is this concern about your welfare.

I pray that I will never need to intervene in such a scenario.

https://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/emerging-from-the-shadows-of-childhood-sex-abuse

Ah Yi pray that Papa God and His angels will encamp around you and mummy.

On 21 April last year, we had our first Love Life Conference.

17 May was the day I learnt of your existence at 9 weeks of gestation.

On 27 June, I sat between a friend and his mother with this old bag on my lap.

On this bag was the engraved name "Emmanuel".

I bought this bag with a friend sometime ago and engraved the name there to remind myself that God is with me.

I don't need my name on my bag la.

That "Precious Feet" Lapel Pin was given away by a volunteer of the Conference while at the friend's house.
This pin is the exact size and shape of a 10-week unborn baby's feet. 
It never crossed my mind that I would be an aunt for the 7th time.
And so soon after going through the Conference.

It was probably then that I thought if you are a boy, Emmanuel can be your Christian name. If a girl which you are, then Emmanuelle.

Of course this is a proposed baptism name.

It was a name that pulled me through the time-out period when I surrendered to God as to whether you would come into our family.

I even put your name as my middle name for a period of time to have that assurance that God was with us.

It was the worst time to leave your mummy on her own when you were 10 weeks old, when so many people just pushed abortion to her as a solution.

But I was at the brink of a possible relapse.

I was angry with everyone for not helping to preserve your life.

The KKH Medical Social Worker dared to ask me why I was against abortion over the phone after my time-out period.

She asked if it is because of religion.

I said because you are a child.

Isn't this common sense?

Furthermore, my friends went through trauma after aborting their kids.

Who wouldn't?

Think abortion is throwing away a disposable cup?

But you are our darling, our flesh and blood.

I would help your mummy to preserve your life at all cost.

Your mummy is blessed to have friends to help her then.

As long as you and mummy are safe, I'm happy.

Whether you would be close to me in future, it really doesn't matter.

No matter where you are, as long as you are alive and well, Ah Yi is greatly comforted.

I see you tonight, baby.

I will be gentle with you and I pray that slowly you will get used to me each time we meet.

Love you so much, sweetheart.

Jesus bless you.

Thoughts on that PRAISE REPORT from LifeFest 2019

I have been pondering on why God gave me that beautiful and divine encounter with the single mum from China at LifeFest 2019.

Praise report at Love A Stranger Facebook Page 

https://www.facebook.com/779736305494891/posts/1698917463576766/

A testimony has both personal and Kingdom impact.

We overcome the accuser of our brethren, who accused us before our God day and night by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of our testimony and by not loving our lives to the death. 

(Revelations 11:10-11) 

Personal:

- Maybe God wants to bless my heart by letting me bless a mother's heart. He knows how much I want to bless my mum with the greatest Treasure I have now because she passed away when I was 19 and not in Christ.

- One day, there will be a testimony of family support and reconciliation from the single mum in my family. He gives me that hope now.

Kingdom:

- An unsupported pregnancy is a symptom of our fallen nature. Our role in helping is not just the saving of a baby but of a family since it is a family crisis. It is not just a family that we are invested in but of a nation that is built by stable and healthy families. Ultimately our nation does not need our utmost loyalty. It is the Kingdom of God that we are advancing. 

So what is LifeFest to me? 

It is a worthy heavenly investment on earth as it is in heaven. We celebrate life, from the womb to the grave, regardless of ability, size, location, status, wealth and health.

- A tourist from China. Haven't we been thinking about Hong Kong and China? So what if the lady is a loyal supporter of the Communist Party? She is flesh and blood, not a threat to anyone. This encounter reminds me not to demonise anyone who disagrees with our worldview, no matter how much we think we are right. All of us have good and evil in our heart. Our heart is easily deceived. Our goodness is nothing apart from God. (Psalm 16) 

As I am learning, let us not take sides. To be Kingdom-oriented is not to be entangled with the affairs of this life. (2 Timothy 2)

- God's goodness is not constrained by locality. God's word and works go international. A Chinese tourist is blessed while on vacation here. Who else cannot be blessed by LifeFest 2020 and beyond?

3rd letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

Hey baby, 

it gladdens my heart to see u and mummy in Instagram stories. 

Mummy and you are CUTE!

Ah Yi's friends just gave birth to a baby girl and looking at her so fresh out of the womb reminds me of you.

I will tell you your birth story very soon. Be patient ok?

Last Friday, a good friend sent me a text that seemed to accuse me of trying to get attention for myself based on what she saw and heard.

I was a little upset, felt guilty all over again and apologised to a friend whom I respected but praise God, she didn't even know what happened. Another friend, Z, also didn't know. 

At first, I felt like I have no face to go for the 630am prayer meeting because I felt like I am not helpful to the cause at this moment in my life.    

Z told me not to run away. Satan is trying to stop me from praying and speaking up. 

Her kindness led me to repentance.

She said, "Let go, learn and grow."

That's it. 

Accusations against brethren are weapons used by the evil one. (Revelation 12:10)

I am guilty of it too.

But Z's love covered my sins and reminded me of Adam and Eve who hid themselves from God. (Genesis 3:8)

Then Z treated me to WOW31's conference and I met quite a few beautiful ladies.

I was so surprised when the Pastor had a prolonged prayer and declaration on speaking up for the unborn.

It is a leadership conference and I was like, nay, I like being a follower.

But we are all leaders of our lives in that sense.

I learnt that when I persevered in saying "Yes" despite all the "No" in my flesh, God reveals.

I went to declare that life supporter prayer again.

Ah Yi is a persistent woman.

Good and bad.

I believe, I will meet these life supporters one day.

Emmanuelle, you are a living testimony of what God can do in one family because there is a life supporter.

Guess what? On my way home after meeting our family, I met a 17 years old girl who recognised me on CNA. She encouraged me despite feeling suicidal, having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and something else, I couldn't remember. I could tell that she was distressed but because she alighted and she was with someone else, we could not talk longer. 

She said that there is a greater stigma to being mentally ill and intellectually disabled than being physically disabled.

While there may be a little truth in that, we miss the point.

Firstly, she has no idea how much we went through and now still go through in having a physical disability.

Secondly, stigma can be self-perceived. 

Thirdly, because I know God, who cares about stigma now?

Public education is important but so is personal responsibility.

So Emmanuelle, people will say nasty things about you because of your circumstances.

But if you know God, you will look at everything using the lenses of God.

And that's why you have love letters from me.

I don't write all these for nothing.

Then on Sunday, I met another friend who is in Christ for more than twice the number of years than me.  

From WOW31, I learnt that if I continue to wallow in my own grief, I cannot be a useful vessel for God.

Life is so much bigger than I, me and myself.

I will focus on looking at things from an eternal perspective.

My friends, mummy, you and I will have testimonies with God.

It was wrong of me to intercept.

So since Fri/Sat, I have decided to lay all these down at the foot of the cross.

I will choose not to be upset with whatever I see or hear that is not true.

I want to start afresh.

Your life is preserved not for us to fight over but to steward with love and care.

So baby, I'm near you.

As long as mummy and you are safe and well, all is well.

Even then. Papa God is in charge.

He sees the beginning and the end.

He watches over all of us.

He Shalom all the chaos in our lives.

Love you, baby.

2nd letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

The book of the genealogy of the Ho family:

Mr Ho begot V, C, C and S by Madam Lim and L, L, J by Madam X.
L begot Emmanuelle with Y. 

Hello baby Emmanuelle,

Since yesterday, God has reminded me that I was so silly to worry about losing you.

You are so blessed to receive so much community support because you couldn't stay with any of us.

I am most grateful to them.

Every single person.

My heart always ache when I see your innocent face.

God has impressed upon me that this is a season that you are away.

Everyone can love you but mummy and you belong to our family.

No matter how broken this family is, God put all of us in this family for His great purposes.

Love this broken family. 

In the brokenness, God's light shone in, is shining in and will continue to illuminate the darkness within until there is only His light. 

God is in the ministry of reconciliation. (2 Corinthians 5) 

I won't be sharing too many details of our family here because I want to honor your parents and our family.

But when you are old enough to understand more, I will tell you what I know.

I just want to say that you have a father. It is a lie when people say that you have no father.

How else could you be born, darling?

It takes a father and a mother to birth a cutie like you.

Your father has not grown up to take responsibility for you.

And many times, it is not just a father's fault.

I believe with all my heart that one day, God will bring the heart of your father to you, and the heart of yours to your father. (Malachi 4:6)

See how God has done that to your grandpa and me!

Though your grandpa and I do not have a deep relationship, I am learning to honour him. 

(Genesis 9:23) 

Ah Yi is not perfect. I have made mistakes and caused stress to your mummy in the process of trying to help her.

I have apologised to her.

That's why now I only see you at most once a month because I don't want to add any stress to her or to myself.

Not that I don't care or don't love you or don't cooperate with others but that it has been so hard on my mind, soul and body.

Life with you is a worthy marathon.

God is teaching me to pace myself, not to be controlling, not to be easily angered or distressed.

Baby, there is so much I want to share with you on longsuffering in trial and pain.

I don't want to shelter you or your mummy from the storms of life.

That's God's power, not mine.

Here are some reasons for these letters to you.

- I pray that you will know your roots. Many people would tell you what they do not know about our family. Know it from the source. Come and ask your mum, me and others in the family. Don't trust the words of well-meaning outsiders. If I as a family member don't know our family well, tell me how these people can presume anything or criticise our family based on what they do not know? 

Only God has the full picture. I don't have, your mum does not have, you will not have, not to mention any person outside our family.

- Mummy and you should not stay as victims of sin. All of us are victims of the fall. Do not pity yourself, overcome that rejection spirit and come to the throne of grace to receive God's mercy and grace. God's grace has not been quiet towards our family. Ah Yi wants to leave you a legacy of God's power and might. His lovingkindness will bring you and everyone who has yet to know Him to repentance. These letters are testimonies of how God works in our lives to deliver you from the evil one. As I write all these, I am reminded of how He pulled me through this 1 year 5 months since knowing your existence.

- My peers and I may have thought that in an unsupported pregnancy, we want to help mother and child. Of course. But God revealed to me through you that an unsupported pregnancy is not a personal crisis. It is a family crisis. If there is at least one life supporter in the family, abortion would be unthinkable and undesirable. I was the only one, besides your mum, who fought for your life. I paid a high price of great tensions in the family, lots of conflicts, great agony and spiritual attack just to ensure that you are safe until no one can touch you at 24 weeks. Of course the great bulk of stress fell on your mum. I have great respect for her courage to keep you at all cost. I can help but if your mummy did not persevere, you would have been like the more than 660,000 babies who have perished in the womb since 1970.

So live well, my darling. The Lord preserves your life not for nothing! I like Lila Rose lor. Maybe you would be our next pro-life generation who speaks up for the lives of others. Can I get an amen from you, sweetie? Ok, I wait till you are older to consent to this, ok?

- It has been a very lonely journey as a sole life supporter in our family. I am convinced that there must be more people like me who are torn between family members while trying to preserve a life. I pray that Papa God can search them out and come, let's start a love revolution that will tell the world that because Jesus died and rose again, NO BABY needs to die in any difficult circumstance. 

Baby Emmanuelle, you are not my idol.

You are a child given by God. We are to be great stewards of everything that God has given us.

Ah Yi loves you but I love God the most.

For God so loved you and me and the world so much that He sent Jesus to die on the cross for our sins and shame.

Our sins and shame have been nailed to the cross.

These letters are evidence of His love for our family.

Jesus loves you, baby. 

1st letter to our beloved Emmanuelle

Darling Emmanuelle, 

you are exactly 10 months old today! Last Sat when I saw you, you were frowning and trying to understand who I am. I think you are a thinker. Mummy said that you would "sayang" her when she is angry with you. You will grow up to be such a compassionate, sweet lady. Ah Yi can't wait to see you grow up! 

Then your mummy, you, my friend and I went to Funan Centre to have a break after my duty at LifeFest which lasted from 830am to 3+pm. I was totally exhausted and felt so hot. The aircon break was so good, what do you think, little babe? You finally had your nap there!

Then you woke up when I came to look for you at the Pregnancy Support booth. 

You started to nuzzle at my chest after I gave you my trademark loud kisses. 

You do remember how you kept leaning backwards for my loud kisses in that karaoke room right? I think you recognise my voice when you were in your mummy's womb. 

You got your name both from your mummy and me. Your mummy wants you to be a quiet, gentle lady. I proposed the Chinese character "恩" (Gratitude) when your mummy stayed in my house with you in her womb for a week. You are the only one with the Chinese character "恩" in our family. Your mummy loved the word. I was so happy that I have a part in naming you! But most importantly, God is in your name.

The next day at night, after the "high" of having a very beautiful testimony of the single mum from China (Love A Stranger Facebook Page), I was shocked to learn that your mum shared your story. I would have appreciated if someone had informed me beforehand but I guess no one thinks that I need to know. I have been trying to protect your mum, you and my family by not saying much about what had happened but since your story is out and is so one-sided, I pray that one day, darling Emmanuelle, you will get to hear the different viewpoints of all your family members. Most importantly, I want you to know the truth: God saved your life and you are loved and treasured by all of us in the family.

This was how they described your story: 

“...a 20-year-old single mum who was kicked out of her home, which she previously lived in with her dad.

Her dad had constantly pushed her to get an abortion but with the help of her friends, she eventually made up her mind to keep her baby. However, the tension at home and her own fears and confusion still left her feeling depressed and suicidal during her pregnancy.

Seeing her incredibly chubby and cute 10-month-old daughter sleeping peacefully, I was amazed and left in awe that such a difficult time could lead up to such a beautiful creation.

The young mother smiled as she happily told me that keeping her daughter was the best decision she ever made and one she was very proud of.”

https://thir.st/blog/lifefest-2019-child-chance-to-live/

I first saw you on the sonogram when you were 9 weeks old.

I always think you are a babe dropped from heaven to be my first internship in my passion for building a culture of life since 2015.

My first internship was most trying because they are all my family members.

No social worker should be involved in her own case though I'm not a social worker now.

I had no experience, no authority in my family hierarchy but because my sisters saw all my pro-life posts on my Facebook wall, they know I am for life.

My father, your grandfather is a traditional man. He is not for abortion. But because we have such a liberal abortion law such that you, my darling, can be aborted up till 24 weeks of gestation, many people, even Christians, see "ending the life of a baby" a legitimate solution to a "problem"/"mistake".

Your grandpa is in his early 80s. Besides the 5 of us with my mum, he has your mum, younger uncle and the youngest uncle at 8 years old. So baby Emmanuelle, you have an uncle who is in Primary 2. Grandpa divorced from your grandma (my step-mother) and has the sole custody of my 3 step-siblings, including your mummy.

Ah yi used to hate your grandpa. But now that I know Jesus, I see him like all of us, needing the love and grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Baby Emmanuelle, your life is so precious. But so are the lives of everyone who is made in the image of God.

Will you forgive your grandpa?

He was wrong to suggest abortion and said all sorts of unkind words to your mum.

But he loves your mummy, all your aunties and uncles in his own ways.

He loves us by providing for us, including giving money to your mum.

Up till now, he still gives us money though we don't need it.

I think you may not remember all these when you grow older but now he looks at you with love, just like how he loves all your 6 other cousins.

I wrote a poem for you and gave you your baptised name Emmanuelle during my 40 days and 40 nights of time-out from my whole family.

You are so loved, blessed and always wanted, the moment I know of your existence.

None of your cousins had a poem from me, had such fervent prayers from me to Papa God to preserve your life.

Your Saviour is our Lord Jesus Christ.

You will grow up loving Him and in awe of His great involvement in your life, way before you were conceived.

You will praise Yahweh, for you are fearfully and wonderfully made,

Marvelous are His works,

And that your soul knows very well.

Your frame was not hidden from Him,

When you were made in secret, 

And skilfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

His eyes saw your substance, being yet unformed.

And in His book they all were written,

The days fashioned for you,

When as yet there were none of them.

(Psalm 139)  

Grow well, my sweetheart. Papa God watches over you, sends His angels to encamp around you.

You and mummy have been dedicated to God during my time-out period. I do see the fruit now, baby.

Your mummy and I love you so much.

I will tell you more in the next letter.