My Father, my father

I just did it.
I just called my dad and wished him a happy father's day.
To initiate to call him, to actually talk to him alone takes great courage.
Without my Abba Father's words of honoring our parents, I think I would not have come back to my dad.
We are still very far away from each other.
From a little love to fear to hate to trying to love again, it takes every ounce of my energy.
Chinese New year is tough cos there is more interaction.
I would hear all the things that I don't want to hear, that doesn't sound logical at all, that I wish I can discuss with him such that he won't be upset or shut me off.
Suddenly today my Father reminded me of my father's love.
I know he loves me.
I know he feels guilty about what happened before.
There is no denial of his love in some of his words and actions, in the past and present.
My resistance to him is to his chosen lifestyle, the decisions that he made that are selfish in nature, the words that he say which hurt...
I guess love must see above all these differences between us.
Love compels me to see my father first as being made in my Father's image, being chosen by Him as my dad, whether I like it or not.
My father is very blessed cos now he has a daughter whose Father taught her how to appreciate his love.
My father used to buy durians for all of us.
That was family time.
All of us would eat very fast cos durians are extremely delicious and because I am very particular about making sure that each seed is truly 'bald', I was the slowest among our family members.
My family members will make sure that I get to taste all of them.
My father shows concern through asking me if I have enough money, tells me to take care of myself.
When I have to tell him that I'm going to places like India and Cambodia, he would be asking why I go to all these dangerous places...
But he knows that no one can stop me, at least not my family members cos they don't really know what I'm truly seeking in life now.
Many things if I were to tell them will surely scare them so best to only share with people who are like-minded.
Feel a little sad that I don't have a lot to say about my dad except the bad memories.
I wish he was more involved in my life when I was young.
A little late but it's never too late to build a better relationship now.
Uncomfortable to the flesh but pleasing to my Father and my father.
Ultimately, I know it's for my good.
What once gripped me no longer has a hold on me.
What now grips me is my Father's first love for me.
My Father teaches me how to love my father.