The account of a suicide survivor

Thoughts of suicide invaded my mind since I was a teen.
Or rather I often threatened my late mum with suicide cos I was miserable that I could not go out with my peers because she was rightfully protective of me.
As a teen, I understood a little yet I was very lonely and being an outgoing person, to be shut up at home was great torture.
As a teen, I could only go out with my mum and a friend that my mum trusted.
That was then I realized how different I was from my peers in quite a few aspects.
They were all shooting up whereas I remained the same.
I went through what every teen went through, with an added bitterness.
When mum passed away suddenly and tragically, my first thought was to commit suicide so that I could be with her forever.
Nevertheless I was guarded by everyone during her funeral, reluctantly went through two more papers for 'A' Levels, had my last fracture and had to spend 6 months recuperating and after that, busy university life for 3 years.
Family structure took a drastic change, unresolved grief took its toll and like a volcano, it erupted in me this desire to die again.
I left home, with just a backpack.
I led a nomadic life, felt unwanted and ingrained in my mind was this thought that my world, that was my mum, collapsed and I had no reason to live.
And so one day, I went onto the road, waiting for cars to knock me down.
Then I realized that the road was a quiet one and so there was almost no car.
Angrily, I went home and swallowed half a bottle of a certain medicine that was poisonous in nature.
As I swallowed the pills, I vomited them out at the same time cos my body was resisting it.
I gave up and suddenly felt afraid.
I didn't want to die!
I just didn't know what to do with my life.
I asked my brother's girlfriend to bring me to the hospital.
There, the doctor inserted a tube into my throat all the way to my stomach to wash out the medicine.
I was conscious and my throat was so painful.
I was in Intensive Care Unit and when my family members came to visit me, I saw tears and shock in their eyes.
That was when it hit me that my life is not my own.
I am a survivor of a suicide attempt and I live to see the hurt that I had inflicted on my family members.
I thought no one cared for me.
No one can probably love me like how my mum did BUT my family members love me, in their own ways, perhaps in ways that I couldn't understand and accept but they love me all the same.
I think of people who committed suicide and never live to see the sorrows of their family members.
I cannot imagine the grief of the parents of the teen from Damai Secondary School who hanged himself.
I have heard of people committing suicide after someone they know did the same.
I thank my Lord every day that I'm alive.
I know why I'm alive.
I'm here with everyone to promote a culture of life, not death.
To live takes courage.
That's what I have learnt.
Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) : 1800-221 4444 (24-hr)